Now that the holidays are zipping by, with only New Year's Eve left to celebrate in 2013, I'm taking a breather and getting to the blog. I hope you all enjoyed a happy Hanukah/Christmas/Kwaanza/ Solstice/Boxing Day. I don't know about you, but I plan on being asleep long before the new year swoops in upon us. As I am on-call New Year's Eve, my plan of being asleep for two hours before the New Year may or may not happen as planned. God help anyone who tries to call off on New Year's Day, as I don't say yes to someone missing work due to a hangover. Don't mess with me, people.
I spent Christmas Day standing, not because I actually wanted to spend the day standing; rather, it was because it hurt a lot less to be standing than sitting. I had an unfortunate "2:30 AM-Freckles-has-to-pee-and-can't-walk-down-the-stairs" incident Christmas morning. Those of you who live in the ice-coated area understand how dangerous (and rather invisible) all that ice really is. Some of us forget that there might be ice on the steps when carrying a dog outside at 2:30 AM. Dog in hand, donned in old, stretched out long underwear bottoms and a raggedy old t-shirt, I hit that ice and was airborne without warning. Within a milli-second--much before I realized what the hell was happening--I slammed into the ice-coated concrete with such a thud that I think I may have cracked the stairs along with my back. I hit so hard that my glasses literally flew off of my face.
I'm not sure what happened to the dog--she might have been airborne, too but she looks no worse for the wear and can't talk, so we'll never know.
Flat on the ground, I can't say that I was very happy about anything related to this incident and I was in so much pain that all I could do was swear like a sailor (assuming sailors swear a lot) and lie on the ice-coated ground, snow in my butt crack. (Where that snow came from, I do not know, but I do know where it ended up.) I still had the sense to yell about finding my glasses (after all, I'm blind without them) but beyond that, I'm not sure I was speaking the English language. I honestly do not remember what the hell I was yelling; suffice it to say it featured swear words and hate. Thankfully, the wife heard my yelling and helped me find my glasses and gather up the dog.
(Feel free to laugh, as envisioning this event is funny. I wish it had been video-taped, as it would have went viral.)
I have broken my jaw. I have been knocked unconscious. I've had concussions. I've had a perforated appendix. I am here to tell you that NONE of those things hurt even remotely close to how much this thud on the ice hurt. I'm telling you--I have a high pain tolerance and this was an "11" on a scale of "1-10."
The wife asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I growled out that I most certainly did not. I'm no fool. I knew all they'd do is tell me to rest but keep moving, use ice, take it easy and take some pills. There is nothing to be done if it was deemed a broken or bruised tailbone. If needed, I already had pain pills, left over from the wife's back surgery.....
....but, the REAL reason I would NEVER have agreed to go to the hospital?
While laying on the ice, snow in my butt crack, swearing like a sailor, I realized that I hadn't shaved one single hair off any body part for weeks. There was no way in hell I was going to the hospital unless I at least shaved my legs. And, since I couldn't even walk, let alone bend over to shave my legs, there was no going to the hospital.
And so, Christmas Day was spent standing, hairy legs quietly tucked away to be shaved another day.
Seventy two hours later, I am happy to report that while I remain uncomfortable, I am able to be thankful that I did not hit my head, that it was me and not someone else, that it was at home and not somewhere else. I am grateful that it was not worse and that I am on the mend. I am sore from head to toe, like what happens after a car accident, but feel a hell of a lot better than I did on Christmas Day. I feel like I have a broken butt and my knees ache and I have some mystery bruises. Still, I feel VERY fortunate to have nothing but aches and pains. I still can't pick things up the floor but I can ask for help.
The wife has heated car seats, which are heavenly. I am super-happy about that. It's the one place I can sit and not make weird guttural noises. It's fabulous how the thing heats your back AND your butt at the same time. There is no heating pad that can do that. (Don't start with the "you should be using ice" lecture. I am done with ice and have moved on to heat. One must be comfortable when miserable.) Of course, I'd look pretty weird if I just sat in the driveway in her parked car, smiling because I was sitting on the heated seats. Maybe she'll have to run some errands today and I can ride along. As long as she keeps the motor running, I'd be good to go.
And so, beloved readers of the Addiverse, I implore you to be careful while traversing the ice-covered surfaces of the world. I wish you the happiest of new years and the safest of winters. I'd ask you for a dance this New Year's Eve but I'll be sleeping and I can't dance at this particular time.
....Perhaps I will wear a helmet for the duration of ice issues the winter. One can never be too careful.
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