No blogs have come your way as I've been in the middle of writing a wedding. Yes, a wedding. Me, the traveling minister, the renowned Pastor Master sister mister, official officiant Addi, is on the job. I am performing a wedding for the wife's sister this weekend. Not only is it hilarious that I will be officiating for such a large wedding, it is the wife's sister, birthed from the land of conservative Catholicism, that will be my subject. This might just push the wife's family over the edge. It's bad enough that the bride isn't getting married in a Catholic church during a full Catholic Mass--she has the nerve to have me do the honors.
Me, a heathen, a giant ball of sin, oozing gayness from every pore, a gone-wrong, divorced Catholic covered with Leviticus-ignoring tattoos. Be still, my sacred heart.
To them, I say: Jesus is all good with me and my ministering. I can rock the pulpit like no one's business. Besides, isn't it better to have someone who has known you for thirty years to do the ceremony as opposed to a priest you've only met a few times?
For the record, I am ready. I finished the first draft a week ago and the final edition last night. I will practice tomorrow. I am tickled pink by this opportunity, so I put lots of extra time and effort into the creation of this ceremony. This is one of those life highlights that we all hope to experience.
Writing a wedding is relatively easy, as the components of a Christian-type or semi-secular service are all spelled out and the wording tends to more alike than not. Oh sure, you can throw a hand fasting or jumping over a broomstick in there, but for all intensive purposes you've got the welcome, the dedication, the readings, the declaration, the vows, the rings, the blessing and the ending. With today's access to the Internet, you don't even have to be very creative--you can glean full services right off the screen. Hell, I've had two "weddings" of my own, so that has to count for something.
We've all been to weddings, so we kind of know what to expect. A lot of the readings are the same, many of the rituals are the same or dang close to being the same. Actually, I learned the most about weddings when I was a janitor for the college church--I cleaned between weddings. I sat in the closet/storage area, out of the way of the activities, and sat through ceremony after ceremony (no windows, all cement room, no radio reception). I noticed that one of the main ministers said the exact same thing every time. He had a script and he stuck to it, even for people I know he knew. It was rote, boring, a thing to be done, not to be lived or enjoyed or celebrated. It was kind of like he was checking off a task on his to-do list. Worse, he used that "clanging gong" verse every single time. For the record, I didn't like it then and I won't be using it now. The wedding would last approximately 20 minutes. Yadda yadda, yes, yes, I do, I do, I now pronounce you man and wife. Next!
(I will not do this. Every couple is different. Every couple deserves something individualized. I guess that's easy for me to say, as I'm not spitting out ceremony after ceremony. But, if I ever get booked for gigs, I'll stand firm to my belief that each couple has earned their "own" day, their own words, their own approach.)
The priest was always more passionate and engaging. He seemed to know the people and changed it up every mass.(Well, as much as a Catholic priest can change things up...I'm talking the homily, not the actual service. You can't exactly change the Mass.) I don't remember him mentioning a clanging gong, so points to him. Those services were at least 45 minutes long, usually more like an hour. Although it meant I had to sit in the storage closet longer than I'd like, I enjoyed listening to him lead the way to matrimonial bliss.
It's ironic that a priest, a man who cannot and has never been married, is professing the way to a happy, successful marriage.
Every once in a while, someone would bring in their "own" minister, which gave me something to enjoy (it's pretty boring sitting in a storage closet hour after hour). Heaven help me when the minister would read the verse about the woman submitting to the man. It took everything in me to stay in that storage closet and behave when they'd read that diddy.
Submit to my husband, my ass.
The wife's sister's wedding will be a sob fest, as the wife's family cries at the drop of a drop of a hat. They cry in happiness at everything. The wife was crying last night just listening to one of the songs her sister will be playing. It's a good thing I don't cry too easily, lest I be rendered useless at my post. We'll be throwing Kleenex instead of tossing rice.
This wedding will feature two special components: the sand ceremony and the butterfly release. I hear there is a shortage of butterflies in the world right now. I think that might be solved when all those butterflies are released at the wedding. I've only been to one other wedding that had a butterfly release and that was done after the service while we were taking photos. This one will be during the service, right before the pronouncement. I shall pray to the baby Jesus that all the butterflies are alive and float gently away. It would be a buzz kill if one plopped to the ground, don't you think?
Oh dear, the wife is listening to the music for the wedding....I see little tears forming. How is she going to get through her reading if she can't even listen to one song from a vampire movie, from the comfort of our deck with no bride or groom in sight?
You know, maybe I should go watch that vampire movie again. It did have a pretty good wedding scene. I don't remember any butterflies but I know there were no clanging gongs....
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