Honey-Don't List

The wife is on her annual "Tour of the Cheddarlands," this time making her way to Oshkosh to hang out with Tom.E.Hilfiger and family (that's a nickname, not the actual guy--long time blog readers know this). Every year she tortures herself--er, I mean enjoys some quality family time with siblings and their offspring.  I stay home and go to work every day.  Sometimes, I am pretty sure I've got the better end of the deal.

This year, the wife left me what I would consider a "honey-do" list.  I couldn't believe it!  She's never done anything of the sort before, so it was very confusing to get one. I suppose I deserve it because I don't really listen when she is telling me what she needs to do.  Interestingly, the list is a more of a honey-DON'T list, which fits my personality better than a honey-DO.


The list is relatively simple and designed so a first grader could follow it--which is good for people like me.  I need simple and direct and matter of fact.  I don't need any flowery descriptions or platitudes.  The only issue is that some of the things seemed like they were going to be much more challenging than usual. Take, for instance, directions about watering the plants.  (Note to self: do not let wife go out of town during a drought and/or hot spell--too many plants to worry about.) The first assignment was simple in itself: "Water vegetable garden, plants, front lawn." I can do all those things and I like watering things, so I was feeling very confident about this...until I read the second sentence:

"Try not to water the windows."

The wife has a thing about clean windows.  They possess her.  She goes out in 30 below to clean them.  She'll hang off a ladder to get that one last spot. She has a special squeegie and this special soap and a method that rivals the pros.  She HATES water spots.  HATES.HATES.HATES.

I steel myself for this job.  I can do this.  I will do this.  How hard can it be not to water the windows? I fret just a little about this because I really, really, really don't want to hear about water-drop-spotted windows.

So, what do you think the first thing I did was?

I went out to the sprinkler, aimed it where she aims it, turned on the hose and.....

.....all over the front windows.  Yup.  Water, water, water slapping on the windows.

It was too late to panic--after all, the damage had been done.  I'd love to say I went out there and fixed the problem but it's of no use--I can't clean the windows like the wife.  She'll know.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't have a shudder while sitting at breakfast this morning.  She'll probably ask her brother, "Did you feel that?" and realize something is amiss in the Addiverse.

Since I screwed up in the front yard, I thought I could do better in the back....


God bless those garden hoses, they have a mind of their own.  Not only did I end up spraying one of the windows, I splattered the piss out of the sliding glass door.  This is what I get for trying.  Day one and I was already unsuccessful in following the first Honey-Don't assignment.

I take a look at the half full glass: this will make the next several days easier, as I figure all bets are off and I can just water at will now, not a care for a window in the world.


On to assignment two: garbage.  It's garbage day.  Lots of specific, picayune directives about the garbage and recycling and dog poop and such.  I do not foresee a problem with this until I go to take the poop bag out of the can. Not only did I splatter the windows, I've been filling the dog poop can with water.  

I decide this watering thing sucks.  So does garbage.

I decide to skip assignments three, four and five.

My last assignment is to find a home for the shoes that have been on the bedroom floor for the past three months. This is a snide commentary on my lack of action in relation to these shoes that really don't fit.  I thought about selling them on eBay, I thought about selling them in a garage sale, I thought about giving them away.  I only wore them three times and they look brand new....but, since I never did figure out what to do with them, they've been lounging on the floor in front of the closet, not bother a soul....

....well, one soul was bothered.  Those shoes drive the wife bonkers.  She scowls at them.  She remarks about them.  I don't really see them, I don't think about them, I don't really care about them.  I could shove them back into the closet but then nothing will ever get done with them.  It's not like I'm going to wear them...

Hey, I have an idea! Why don't I wear the shoes while I am watering the plants?  Win-win, two assignments in one....genius!


Stand back: Honey-Don't One and Five are in motion!  Maybe she'll be so excited to see that the shoes are gone that she won't notice the water spotted windows.


Who.
Am.
I.
Kidding?


Well, one out of five ain't bad.