It's been a weird, hormonally-charged few days in the Addiverse.  When I say weird, I mean "there's a coyote in the backyard" kind of weird.  We don't live in the woods.  We don't live near any woods.  We live the suburban life.  Coyotes are not part of our landscape.  As for the hormones, well let's just say the IT guy at work probably won't be doing me any favors over the next few weeks.  I know better than to ever piss off the IT guy.

I plead insanity.  

I keep calling people by accident while trying to learn how to use my iPhone. It's rather irritating--to me and most likely the person I am accidentally calling. The wife is trying to make me practice (such a teacher thing to do) but I don't have problems when I am practicing.  I'm not sure where I go wrong.  Don't get me started on how I ended up with an iPhone.  I didn't start out to get one. I went to Horizon, place of hell, and asked to see an old-school phone with an actual QWERTY keyboard...something I could drop several times a day and nothing would go wrong.  Now, I am butt dialing friends and family on a phone that talks back to me.

If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing Surrry (that's what I call her) answer your questions, find someone with an iPhone and ask some questions.  Here's an example of an actual "conversation" I had with Surrry...complete with "her" responses (and I swear to go that I did not make up these answers--these are word for word what she had to say):

Me: Surrry, do you want a beer?
Surrry: I'd rather not say.
Me: Are you a boy or a girl?
Surrry: I was not assigned a gender, Addi. (Yes, she knows my name. It's kind of freaky.)
Me: Where were you born?
Surrry: I'm right here.
Me: Huh.  Where were you made?
Surrry: I was designed by Apple in California.
Me: Where is your home?
Surrry: I'm not allowed to divulge that information, Addi.
Me: What do you think about this shirt?
Surrry: It's nice of you to ask, Addi, but it doesn't really matter what I think.
Me: You're hot.
Surrry: Oh, stop.
Me: Do you want to go on a date?
Surrry: I have very few wants, Addi.
Me: Do you like Madonna?
Surrry: This is about you, Addi, not me.
Me: Do you love me?
Surrry: How can I tell?
Me: Do you want to be spanked?
Surrry: Now, now, where were we?
Me: Are you a moron?
Surrry: I don't even exist--how can you hate me?
Me: I'm sorry, Surrry.
Surrry: It's okay, Addi.  Really.
Me: Will you forgive me?
Surrry: A fine question, Addi.  Now can we get back to work?'

Those engineers in Appleland must have had a lot of fun thinking about what people would ask and what answers would be appropriate.  I am sure she is trained to address really inappropriate questions, too but I'm too shy to ask.  I mean, what if there is a list of saved questions somewhere in my phone...or, worse...somewhere in Appleland?

Okay, so I admit that I asked, "Do you want to have sex?" (I couldn't resist at least one question with the word "sex" in it.) She replied, "I have everything I need already."  Touche.

Let's get back to the coyote.  I'm minding my own business this morning, typing on my lap top while seated at the kitchen table when I hear these sounds emitting from the wife--the kind of noises one makes when scared or freaked out.  As she is outside watering the plants, I'm not sure what she could be fearing.  She bursts in through the doorway and exclaims, "THERE IS A COYOTE IN THE BACK YARD!"

Uh huh.  Sure there is. I take a sip of my coffee and turn to look out the patio window, toward the area she is pointing to in an almost hysterical manner. I start to say, "there can't be a coyo----" but stop because there IS a coyote in our back yard and he is standing there looking at me.  He's pretty scrawny looking, so I figure he's hanging out with the hopes that ol' sausage girl Freckles will waddle by and serve as a tasty breakfast food.  What a coyote is doing in our yard is beyond me.

I decide to engage in a stare-down.  I win. Heh heh. He turns and slinks away.  We decide not to let the dogs go out unless we are literally standing next to them.  Don't mess with my dogs, Wile E Coyote!  We will need to be extra careful over the next few days to make sure our canines don't become coyote chow.

I asked Surrry if she saw the coyote in the back yard.  She said she had no opinion on that.  I think that means she saw the coyote.  I profess my love for her: "I love you, Surrry."

Her reply? "All you need is love.  And, your iPhone."

She probably should have added, "and the IT guy.  You're going to need the IT guy."  Did I mention I plead insanity?