To understand the irony of the most recent mathematical transaction in our house, you have to understand that the wife was a math teacher for 17 years and I was an art major. Now, I'm not saying that art majors are inferior to math majors--I'm just saying that if there is a mathematical equation, my money is going to be on the math person, not the artist.
Our tax refunds arrived in our bank accounts last week. Because we are single in the eyes of the federal government, we have to file separately and thus get separate returns. It's a pointless story to talk about the happenings of our money, so I'll just say that once we get our returns, we put our refunds together, as any other married couple would do, and the wife goes out and spends it.
This year got a little more confusing than usual--why, I am not sure. It seemed like a no-brainer to me but the wife kept insisting that I was wrong. This made me nervous because I was pretty sure I was right but how does the art major argue with the math major about numbers? I swear to you this is the discussion that happened around our kitchen this week.
I'll base it this blog on $2000 because that's a nice round number easy for math majors and art majors to use. You should see me preparing for this blog--had to get my numbers figured out so I could appropriately and correctly explain this interaction....
Me: Hey! My tax return is in my bank account! $1500. Woo woo!
The wife: Mine arrived, too. $300, just as expected.
Me: I'll write you a check so you can put the refund in your account so you can pay for the new furniture, right?
The wife: Yes.
(Side note: we really are getting furniture. We were on track to get furniture last year but the dog became the new furniture, with all her vet bills. Thankfully, the dog is quite healthy so we are going ahead with the purchase.)
Me: [I pull out my check book.] So, I write you a check for $1500--right?
The wife: No. We split it. Besides, we haven't gotten our State tax return yet.
Me: Well, we haven't filed that yet, so no.
The wife: I'm including that in this equation. I got $300, you got $1500, we're getting $200 more.
Me: Uh-huh.
The wife: That's $2000 total.
Me: Uh-huh.
The wife: How much are you keeping?
Me: Huh?
The wife: It's your return, you don't have to give me everything for the furniture.
Me: [getting really confused. What IS she talking about?]
The wife: So you have to give me $1000 but you'll get the $200 from the State, so really you have to give me $1100.
Me: [REALLY confused.] Why aren't I giving you all the money I got back? Besides, you already have $300. So, I should give you $800, right?
The wife: No,wait--you know what? Why don't you keep my part of the mortgage payment (which, for the purpose of this blog we will say is $500--I have to keep the math simple for illustration purposes)--$800 minus $500 is $300. You should write me a check for $300 and then we'll be even.
Me: [Silent. This is wrong. Way wrong.] Are you sure? You want a check for $300?
The wife: Yes. Do you think it should be less or something?
Me: No--no, not at all. I don't think your math is right, tho.
The wife: You own me $300.
Me: [grabbing paper and pencil] Let me show you. If I have $1500 and I'm going to get $200 more and you have $300, that's $2000. You want me to keep $500 for the mortgage, so that's back to $1500.
The wife: Right. Half of that is technically $750.
Me: Well, okay. But, why am I cutting this in half?
The wife: because that's your return.
Me: [very confused, art major brain beginning to pound] But, we're putting our money together for the furniture.
The wife: So, you write me a check for $300--that way you can keep $150 for yourself.
I am now WAY too confused to speak. I write the check for $300 and hand it to her. I go get ready for work, shaking my head, thinking that I need to give her $1500 from the return, give her the $200 when it arrives and she needs to put this $1700 with her $300, which makes $2000, which will pay for the furniture. If she wants me to take out the $500 for the April mortgage, the equation is $1500 + $200 - $500 = $1200. This has nothing to do with her $300 tax return in her account. I should be writing her a check for $1200, not $300. I don't even know what to think about this keeping $150, let alone where she got this $300 idea. I don't know what the hell she is talking about. While standing in the shower, I think I should just shut up and enjoy my windfall.
I go to work and say not another word. When I get home, the wife announces she has figured out she was wrong.
The wife: I didn't figure this out correctly.
Me: Really? [Duh. I knew that.]
The wife: Right. Here's the equation I worked out [shows me her scribbling with numbers and tiny little writing that I can't read, which I am sure is about what is what].
Me: Right. So how much do I owe you?
The wife: You own me $600.
Me: Huh. Don't you mean $900?
The wife: where are you getting $900?
Me: Well, I gave you $300. I'm supposed to be giving you $1200. Isn't $1200 - $300 = $900?
The wife: Yeah. So?
Me: So, I need to write you a check for $900.
the wife: Did you get the state refund?
Me: No. But, I will.
The wife: But, you don't have it yet. So, you can give me $100 when it gets here.
Me: What? Why aren't I giving you $200?
The wife: Don't we split that?
Me: Are you SURE you taught math for a living?
*********For the record, I wrote the check for $900. I had faith she'd figure it out sooner or later. She eventually did:
The wife: Oh, you should have given me $1200.
Me: Really.
The wife: Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking.
Me: Me neither. So, the $300 + $900 is $1200, so we're all good, right?
The wife: Right.
Me: And, we're even, right?
The wife: Yes, until you get the state refund. Then you owe me $100.
Me: [OH.MY.GOD.OH.MY.GOD.OH.MY.GOD!!! WHERE IS SHE GETTING THESE NUMBERS????] No. we're even. I've already given you the money for the state refund that we didn't get yet.
The wife: Oh. [pause] Are you sure?
Me: Are YOU sure you were a math major?
The wife: Right. We're even.
Me: Maybe we should have a joint checking account.
The wife: Maybe we should get divorced. This whole tax thing would be much simpler.
Me: What? Divorcing me wouldn't change this. I'd still give you the refund in my account.
I can tell the wife is NOT following this statement or concept. Someone get this lady some hormones!
Me: Yeah, maybe we should get divorced. That'll solve that problem.
She'll come to her senses tomorrow. Maybe I should spend that money before she figures things out.....
Problem is, I'm not sure how much to spend because I'm not quite sure she even knows how much I have.....aw hell, I can just make up numbers and fire up the Internet before the hormones kick in!
Maybe I should've been a math major. At least a math minor.
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