Ell. You. Vee. Madonna.

Well, the new Madonna video and song have been released.  I've been so distracted, disturbed, disappointed, delighted, detoured by the whole thing.  Since seeing/hearing it, I've been trying to understand it.  After all, I am a Madonna whore and it is my obligation to do so. It's got me obsessed.  I spent all yesterday afternoon and evening looking for explanations and interpretation. I muttered aloud about it. My wrist hurts from all the non-moused-based web searching that was completed (I used the little laptop mouse thing, which is always a bad idea--use a mouse, people!).  I watched the video again and again.  I watched some of Madge's old videos for reference.  I approached it from a WWMD perspective.  I read article after article until my eyes got blurry.....

What did I learn? That most other people have no clue what is going on in the video.  I learned that the majority of people reviewing the video missed a lot of what was going on in the video.  People, Madonna is more than a 53 year old cheerleader!

(I also learned that the Little Monsters are haters.  I am all befuckled by this as I, too am a little monster and I don't understand this kind of thinking.  There is a Little Monster campaign to go on Madonna sites and posts and write hateful things. I don't get that.  Sigh. Mother Monster needs to put an end to this.)

But, I digress.  I am proud to say that I think I've figured out most of the video but.....

If you haven't seen the video or haven't heard the song, run quickly and hide until after the Super Bowl because I guarantee at least part of the song will be included in today's half time show at the Super Bowl and it will get in your head and you will be doomed.   Or, if you are living on the edge, you can just watch the video I posted and get over it faster.  (No haters about how old Madonna is, please.  If the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen can take the stage during half time and she's younger than them--and, she's obviously in much better shape than them--she can take the stage and do just fine.)

"Gimme all your luvin" is like that "Red Solo Cup" song: it has really stupid lyrics with a simple, catchy tune.....that gets in your head, latches on your brain cells and refuses to leave.   It.is.stuck.in.there whether or not you want it to be.  (It's also like that Krave cereal of which I spoke of a few blogs back.  I wasn't impressed and gave it so-so reviews. Well, now I can't stop thinking about it and like to eat it like candy.  Good for nothing marketing.)

I'm serious when I say I couldn't fall asleep last night because that stupid song kept rolling over and over and over in my head. For an hour, I kept hearing cheerleaders chant "L. U. V. Madonna!" Now, I admit part of the problem was that I watched the video at least a dozen times trying to figure it out; after all, Madge isn't going to make something that doesn't have some meaning to it.  I've got most of it figured out-- she is making reference to herself (a narcissist homage, I suppose), to her old songs and to her old videos (such as Material Girl, Like a Virgin, Dick Tracy) and she is giving a nod to the Super Bowl, at which she will perform today.  All the football players in the video are wearing the number 36, which obviously is a nod to something.  Since she's not 36, she's not dating a 36 year old (she dates men younger than that, sillies), she's had more than 36 top ten singles and she's only been performing for 30 years, not 36, I am left to speculate that the 36 is in reference to her being #36 on the Rolling Stone listing of the "100 Greatest Artists" (of which probably pisses her off because she should be in the top 10).

....But, the baby?  The beginning of the video starts with her bursting through a door pushing a baby cart; the last scene of the video is her tossing a baby off stage (this after breast feeding it at one part of the video, which really freaks me out.  No 53 year old woman should be breast feeding a baby, no matter what the reason).  I've been thinking about the baby reference ever since seeing it the first time.  One of my Book de la Face friends had the same reaction....even posted, "and, I didn't even see any bathwater!"  I've been left to my own devices on this. I know in the next few hours that someone will post a detailed interpretation of the video but until then I am going with what I am going to make up.

My tossing of the baby theory: I do not think the baby references in general have anything to do with being a housewife or raising children, as suggested in some other posts.  That's too literal and not Madonna-esque. Besides, do you really think Madonna is a housewife? And, she's too savvy to make fun of the housewife, so that's not it at all.  (Ah, the pain of being an abstract thinker instead of a concrete thinker. Nothing can be what it seems.)  Madonna is giving birth to and raising the new performers of the world (read: she takes credit for being the ultimate inspiration for all the new/young/up and coming/ successful performers of today's radio age), nurtures them (breast feeds them)....but, throwing out the baby?  I am fearful this is in reference to Mother Monster: Madonna is saying that she's not afraid, she's still the queen, she's still in charge and she is tossing aside that this thing she gave birth to is not going to rain on her Super Bowl parade.

I pray my theory is not true, as if I am correct, it means my beloved queen of pop is kicking sand in the face of my mother monster.  It's lose-lose.  It breaks my pop-music-loving heart.

I'm going to have to consult with my Madonna-loving, concert-going pal MJagger about this whole thing.  She is the only one who could possibly understand and embrace my obsession with this nonsense.

The new album won't be released until the end of March (after the debut of "The Hunger Games," I do note, of which I am SUPER excited), so you'll be spared of ongoing Madonna whining until then. (Well, you'll have to listen to rantings about the Super Bowl half time, but that will be short lived.)  I remember being disappointed by "Hard Candy" the first time I heard it, but then it really grew on me, so I have hope for M.D.N.A.  I am prepared to be disappointed during the first six or seven listens, but I know Madge will come through for me in the end.

Besides, admit it--YOU, if you were a 53 year old woman--wouldn't mind looking like Madonna.  Piss on the plastic surgery--who cares?  So what about the hot pants and peek-a-booing belly? That is one amazing 53 year old woman.  (BTW, why do we talk about women artist ages when we don't talk about the men until they're like 150 years old?)  She's got a rockin' body.  She looks incredible.  She makes me feel like a younger blob of cheezy wiblets. I wish I looked half as good as her Madgesty.....

....just don't let me look like a 53 year old breast-feeding hottie.