Hot Lava, Hot Grrrrl, Hot Dog

Get ready to file this in the "didn't-really-need-to-know-that-thanks-for-sharing" pile. My blog for today was to be exclusively about my new eye glasses.  Unfortunately, that will have to wait a wee bit as I am experiencing a horrific bout of diarrhea.  Not that you really needed to know that. (See? I told you.)  As this is the first episode of "non-medication/medically induced diarrhea" I can recall since 1990's (I'm not kidding), I am intrigued, albeit in a twisted way.  As I have literally no other symptoms of which to speak and as I have not been around anyone who has been spewing things out of their orifices, I assume this delicious issue is food related.  (Cue Bridesmaids movie here.  You know, I put something about the hot lava as my Book de la Face status just a few minutes ago and I don't think people got it.  I think they thought I was actually watching the movie.  Not so much--I was living the movie.)  Despite my actual interest, I am unable to go to work.  Even if I could get there (and that would be a feat in itself), I'd be too mortified to have diarrhea in the staff bathroom....after all, it is IN the staff office and there would be no way around "sharing" the experience with my coworkers.  (If you are in the planning stages of building office, do NOT put the bathroom in the office. Trust me on this one.)  It's such a waste of a sick day to miss work due to diarrhea.  When I want to use a sick day, I want to use it because I'm miserable with the cold or flu or something fun to do, not the shits. Thanks to my spewing hot lava, I watched a Hercules/Amazon Women movie, half of a special on a famous tattoo artist, played seventy three rounds of Words with Friends,wrote this blog ....as well as went to the bathroom countless times.  (BTW, I am proud to report that I used all three bathrooms today at one point or another. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do).

As for my glasses, well I am in love with them.  Suffice it to say they are Gucci and we all know what a label snob I am (tongue firmly in cheek). Since getting my glasses on Monday, I've decided that being a label snob might actual come in handy.  This pair of glasses came with a gold Gucci box, with a gold Gucci case, with a gold cloth with which to clean your glasses and with a card of authenticity, proving that these glasses are, in fact, Gucci.  Huh.  They are spectacular spectacles. I don't know how they look on my face but they look really good in the gold box. I am very happy to report that I can now read teeny, tiny print.  People who make fun of me when I look over my glasses to see the camera view finder will laugh no more, as I don't have to do that.  I somehow don't think I can see as well far away but I suppose there is always a trade-off of some type or another and I'm tired of not being able to see close up, so I'm good with this for the time being.  If I go on to be a pilot, professional driver or some other worker that needs to see street signs from 1.5 miles away, I'll worry about it then.  Besides, I look hot!

Ah, about the hot dog.  No, I did not start eating hot dogs again (if I did, that would explain the diarrhea).  I'm referring to a certain dog in a certain neighborhood who is leaving a certain product on our lawn.  The wife gets crazed by this--she turns reds, she stomps around, she mutters obscenities, puts her coat on to go over there, only to end up picking up the poop because it is too upsetting to leave it there.  I've seen her fling a piece of poop a time or two and I can't say that I blame her.  I told her texting wasn't the right way to address the problem (not that flinging poo is a good idea, either).  She's talked to them before but they seem to make a joke out of it, then continue the same bad neighbor practice. (Hey, it's a lot of poop.  It's quantity oriented. Don't even get me started about the dog piddling on our stoop.  That irks me more than the poop--but, this is about the wife, so forgot the stoop pee.) It's frustrating to know that we pick up our poop each and every time one of our dogs leave a gift and we keep an eye on them, monitoring them as they sniff around pre-during-post duty.  Since none of us have fences, it's the least we can do AND it keeps the dogs safe, which is important in my little corner of the world.

After watching the wife stomp and storm around the house on Sunday (and this was before the Packers lost, so she wasn't even crabby yet), I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I did what an y proud participant of the social network would do:

I posted the dilemma as my status update on Book De La Face.

I got over 40 responses, most of which were very appreciated and seemed quite helpful in one way or another.  Suggestions including involving animal control (that will make you best of friends), bagging up the poop in a brown paper bag and setting it on fire after ringing their door bell; rubbing their noses in it (bad dog!); talking to the dog; flinging it at the house; putting it in piles on the stoop; have a poop ball fight; make a video and put it on UTube with hopes it goes viral; take a photo of the dog pooping and post around the neighborhood; feed the dog rubber bands so we can shoot the poop back at them easier; post various kinds of signs; do rather awful things to the dog (it's the not dog's fault, so we ruled those out without even a moment of thought); put the poop in a nice bag and hand it to them while saying, "I think you left me something in our yard."  We had some really nice, adult ideas but we ignored them.....but, that didn't seem half as fun as the wife going out there and pooping on their lawn. Priceless! I'm having a visual.

The best use of the social network was unintentional.  It was actually unintentionally genius. I'm not the dog owners' FB friends.  But, I am friends with friends of the dog owners.  One or more of our "mutual" friends must've let the dog owners know that they were the fodder of my status....as, we haven't had any poop in our yard for three days in a row.  (It's easy to see with the snow cover--both the offender's paw prints and poop product.)

Either that, or I can't see as well out of these new glasses as I thought I could.

I feel a wee bit bad about the use of Book de la Face thing but not too much.  After all, it seems to have worked.  Humiliation is a mighty motivator.  

If the poop continues (mine or the neighbor's dog), I'll let you know.  I do not anticipate any further reports on my pooping status, but I am concerned that we will be having some more pooping on the front law......I have my camera ready and my glasses cleaned.....