Shooting the Poop, Part II

(Blogs go backwards.  So, if you want to read this in chronological order, read part I first.  In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter which order you read any of my entries, because they are so dang weird, no matter which way you read them.)

The Northeast has been socked in with an unusually early & damaging snowstorm (thinking of you, Dos Marias & Suzuki DeFranco).  Kim K is getting divorced after three and a half hours of marriage.  It's Halloween night.  Freckles has eye boogers bigger than my car.  The Brewers didn't win or even get to the World Series.  But, none of that is on my mind.  Tonight, it is all about me and my poop shoot.

I am here to give you a full report on the non-sedated colonoscopy.  But, before I tell you about the actual event, I want to tell you about something very weird that was going on in the medical building.  I assure you that what I am about to tell you is 100% true; I reiterate that I was not on any drugs; and, I tell you I have a witness (MJagger). While I was hanging out in the recovery room (which is a story in itself), children were trick or treating.   Yes, trick or treating, complete with costumes. 

There I am, in my full glory on the gurney, covered only by a ratty hospital gown and a pile of sheets, curtains wide open for all the world to see....and children are trick or treating.  Never mind the guy in the next recovery cubicle who's talking about wanting a bottle of whiskey (or feeling as if he had drunk a bottle of whiskey--I couldn't really tell-- he was full of all them happy drugs); children were trick or treating at the nurses station and they had to walk by me to get there. 

If I hadn't had a witness or if I had been on the happy drugs, I would have thought I was hallucinating.  Who the hell trick or treats in a gastroenterologist office???  It was a bit unnerving to have those little costumed kiddies staring at me.  And, I mean they stared.  This one four or five year old little chubby pirate girl stared at me for what seemed like 30 seconds.  Maybe she was waiting for me to offer her some candy. 

Damn nurse never offered ME or MJagger any candy.  (Maybe 'cause we weren't wearing a costume.)

I am very, very grateful to report that my colonoscopy was uneventful and that the results were nothing but spectacular.  The worst part besides the weirdness of trick or treaters? Getting the IV in my hand....actually, not getting the IV in my hand.  I have wimpy veins so I'm used to people having trouble with them.  Usually, I can talk medical personnel out of something that I am pretty sure is not going to work, but this nurse was having nothing to do with my gentle hints.  Several times, I said,  "uh, maybe you should try another vein," but the nurse kept digging around.  I watched the whole thing, unable to tear my eyes away from the nonsense.  She finally managed to blow out the vein.  How do I know this? Because she said, "oh! I blew out your vein."  

I left that place looking like a bad night on the Twilight movie set.

You would think getting a garden hose shoved up your patooty would be horrible, but it's really not half as bad as you would think....

....Relatively speaking, of course. A-hem.  At this point, I'd like to make the disclaimer that under no circumstance should you try the non-sedated colonoscopy unless you are as weird as I am, you actually like looking at your innards on a large TV screen and you can deal with the discomfort associated with a garden hose winding its way through your internal maze.  I do not condone this practice.  They offer amazing drugs, so why not say yes? 

The "entry" amazingly is not so bad.  I feel really weird about writing that, as THAT is an OUT shoot, not an IN shoot.  I guess I thought that the "beginning of where we are going" would be awful.  It's not.  Getting a vein blown out is way worse than that.

The "going round the mountain" part? That is quite "uncomfortable."  Those are some pretty tricky turns in there.  I remembered this from last time--the garden hose isn't good about getting around the bends and turns in the colon without some outside help.  I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt....I'd say "in pain," but it's not like every day pain or like hitting your thumb with a hammer.  It's more like, "what the hell!" pain. I was super-glad when the doctor asked the nurse to push on my abdomen when he was maneuvering the garden hose. That nurse might have blown out my vein but she won big points from me when she used her hands to shove my bowels back toward my tailbone.  I mean she put her whole weight behind her and became my personal girdle.  I couldn't believe how that one little thing made a huge difference-- her hands mashed on my belly sent that garden hose flying right to wear it belonged.

The entire ordeal was made more "interesting" because I still had so much poop-goop, sesame seeds and oatmeal stuff in me.  The doctor had to "suck and spit" to get to where he was going--kind of like driving in a blinding rain storm at night with only one headlight.  Can you imagine what it would've been like in there had I not started my prep earlier than they suggested?

At least there was no corn.

Before I knew it, we were done.  No polyps, no tumors, no weird growths, no problems, no worries.  Just a pretty-in-pink, healthy colon.  Thank you, baby Jesus!

As for the recovery room, suffice it to say they are not equipped to address a non-sedated client.  I sat up to text MJagger and a nurse admonished me, "My! Are we in a hurry to leave? Please lay back down!"  I guess she thought I was a crazed drugged woman trying to escape the recovery area before I was done cooking. I called out, "I wasn't sedated."  This took her by surprise; her peer acknowledged this to be true.  That got me a pleasant smile and direction to "relax and pass some gas." 

I felt like I was being held hostage.  As I was already passing gas (there is no way you can stop that from happening) and still wasn't getting anywhere, I decided it was time to kick it up a notch.  No more silent farting for me--I let them know I meant business.  I knew my plan was working when a nurse called out, "there you go!  You'll be able to go as soon as they do your blood work."  Score!  I then called in my secret weapon: MJagger.  I knew she could help speed things up for me...she did not fail me.

Now that the colonoscopy is behind me (pun intended), I've made up for all that lost time: I ate lunch at Culvers, got some fancy coffee at Starbucks, ate home-made cupcakes from MJagger, stuffed chocolate chips in as fast as I could pour them, ate some homemade some guacamole and will be moving on to other culinary delights.  I lost three pounds preparing and I plan to gain four pounds recovering.

We still don't know why I have inflamed mesentery but we do know all sorts of things that are good: I am one healthy grrrrrl with one healthy appetite.  That is way good enough for me.   I am going to focus on all the things that are "right" with me instead of worrying about this one thing that is somehow out of alignment with that thinking. As writings from the "Secret" suggests, "Fear nothing - just think about what you want. It feels so much better!"

I am thinking about what I want....and, it involves a lot of chocolate.  Suddenly, I feel so much better.
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