Breakfast of Champions

As I've had quite the eventful past few days, I'm not sure which topic to pick for blogging. I was going to go with the gardening head injury but then I saw the prostitute earning her keep in the work parking lot yesterday at 6:15 AM. Larry Lump begs to have his 15 minutes of fame and the wife while is having hard wood floors installed tomorrow. All topics have merit & provide much blogging fodder.

I vote for the prostitute! Not because my gardening head injury wasn't spectacular, but rather because another Addiverse injury is really no new news.

This photo of Freckles Warrior Princess has nothing to do with any of those events. I just thought it was funny and it's probably going to be an accurate depiction of what the wife is going to look like after having those hard wood floors installed.

Yesterday at 6:15 AM, I was pulling into the parking lot at the place of which I do not speak when I noticed a white car parked in "our" parking spaces. Since parking spaces are at a premium, this immediately irritated me. I scowled as I pulled in, shaking my head that someone would DARE park in our clearly identified spaces. It was only when I turned off my car and opened the door to exit, I noticed there was someone actually in the car. In fact, it became quite apparent to me--quite quickly, I assure you--that I noticed there must be TWO people in the car. I will spare you, gentle readers, of how I developed that theory so quickly, but trust me when I say that there was no doubt in my mind regarding the activities in that car.

I now need therapy and that vision has been permanently burned into my retinas.
I can't decide if this an awful way or an awesome way to start a Monday.

For those of you wondering, "how do you know that was a prostitute?" I assure you that I am correct in this assessment. There are some things that are pretty obvious, no offense to those of you who earn your keep performing the world's oldest profession. Besides, I've seen her around before, usually wandering down the street in the wee hours of the dawn when I am on my way to work and she is on her way home from work, looking like a crack train gone wrong. (I assure you it sucks to be her, no matter what I'm thinking as I am trying to avoid any further visual contact with her/the car/the related nonsense.)

So, I do my best to look to the ground, look to the ground, look to the ground. (This was not out of respect--this was out of my need to remain conscious at the oh-so-graphic scene being played out in front of me.) I grab my belongings and hastily head toward the place of which I do not speak (and of which I really will not speak, as we had another round of "thou-shall-not-speak-of-work-in-any-social-media" directive). I just wanted to get in the door. I get in my office, sit at my desk, shake my head....and, then realize.....

I forgot my coffee in the car.

Hey, it's Monday, it's 6:15 AM, I have a gardening head injury--I need my coffee.

I am torn, torn, torn. I want that coffee but I want nothing to do with what is going on out there. I need my coffee but I'm not sure I am desperate enough to get anywhere near that white car. I peek out the window--DAMN! They're still there. I fret a bit, try to distract myself, pace, whine, post my dilemma on Book de la Face. I consider going to the McD's across the street, but my wallet is in the trunk and that means I'd have to go to the car, anyways. I think about how much I love my Donut Dunkin' coffee and then decide....

I have to go back out there.

I line up my trajectory with the passenger door, hoping my car will block out most of anything I really don't care to see. I focus only on my coffee. I basically crawl out to my car, squeak in and out of the passenger door, run like the dickens to get back into the office.

I secure my coffee and get back to my office as fast as someone with a gardening head injury can get there. I am saved by my coffee and by the fact I am locked into my office.

For those of you wondering why I didn't call the police, I ask you this: if you are the ONLY person in sight and you have made eye contact with the person in question and your fabulous car is parked right next to the scene of the crime, would you call the police? Would you stand there and write down the license plate, make and model of the car? Would you call 911 if you knew that every day you would be returning to this exact parking space and know that this lady "works" this area and you know she'd know it was you who called the cops? I am not one to squirm away from much of anything like this--in fact, I'm usually all over it and gladly call the cops, but in this case--I like my car, I like my safety, I like being on good terms with the area riff raff (in fact, they keep me quite safe--I am on first name terms with the homeless, drug addicts and mentally ill--they really are protective of me). Call me a chicken, question my decision, accuse me of just perpetuating the problem. I'm all good with that. Maybe if I hadn't a gardening head injury, I would have taken other measures. This Monday, I am good with letting it go.

At 7 AM one of my minions shows up as scheduled. She parks in the exact same area, sees the white car parked in "our" spaces, gets pissed off. (I'm telling you, we are very protective of our parking spaces.) By this point, the blessed event has thankfully ended and they are probably having a cigarette/hit off a crack pipe and chowing down something off the McD dollar menu. My minion, lacking a few firing brain cells, walks up to the car, OPENS THE DOOR and yells at the people to move the car.

She.opened.the.car.door!

When Ms. Minion comes in, she tells me she has done this. I am speechless. I don't know if I should yell at her for being so ignorant or hi-five her for having such big balls.

I inquired about who was in the car and what was going on. She stated there were two women in the car and one wasn't looking so hot. I know--you are asking yourself--so, were there three people in the car? Did the other lady hop in after the John left the car? Were there only two women in the car the whole time? From what I saw, I safely can say there was a man and a woman. I can't confirm or deny the third party.

We both peek out the window--by 7:15 AM, the car is gone. My coffee is cold but I don't really care.....

Really, all we wanted was our parking space. We are both very thankful that we have our parking space back. One must have priorities on a Monday.