Rockford Rage Really Rolling Now

Put on your ripped fishnets and stuff in your mouth guard--roller derby is the perfect double date on a Saturday night.

I wasn't kidding when I said the wife, Three Hawk, Argo WP and I were going to roller derby bout. We put on our best (in my case this means: clean & kinda still fit) jeans and found our way out to the sports center not far up the road. Shout out to Patti Party Pecs & gal pal "what-nickname-did-we-give-her-I-don't need-my-gallbladder-Sue," as they were in the audience for this big, blessed bout.

Let's start with the bout: it's called a BOUT, not a match, not a game, not an event. The bout has rules--most of which confused me. The bout consists of two thirty-five minute halves, with a 20 minute intermission/half time. All this bouting got me thinking about my preconcevied notions of roller derby.....

....I dunno about you, but when I hear the words "roller" and "derby" used in the same breath, I think of roller derby from the really early'70's. It was an "on-TV-are-you-kidding-me?" type of happening. When asked what she first thought of when hearing the words "roller derby, "the wife indicated she thought of "Kansas City Bombers" with Raquel Welch. (Time for a rental movie???)


If you were around back in those early 1970's, you probably remember women violently throwing each other over banisters, beating the crap out of each other--kind of like professional wrestling, only on wheels. How can you not love something like that?

Flash forward thirty five or more years and find yourself in the world of flat-track, always-turning-to-your-left fun. (The whole "only skate to the left" thing really bothered the wife: "Don't get they get shin splints? Shouldn't they turn around at half time?) There's even an official association: The Women's Flat Track Derby Association (www.wftda.com). The beauty of the new, improved derby is the fact that bouts can be held just about anywhere that has room to "make" a rink: a flat surface in a gym will do just fine, thank you. Naughty names, naughty uniforms (if you can call them that), naughty moves, naughty refs--it's all good, clean naughty fun.....

Well, it's really not THAT naughty; after all, an entire group of Red Hat Society ladies were in attendance and they looked like they were enjoying the festivities without incident. (There were some naughty words spewing out of a few players' mouths, but they were pretty tough to hear over the non-stop babbling of the M.C.--so, the kids were safe...as long as they didn't start to ask questions about all those skater names.)

It's naughty with a purpose: the local ladies spend a lot of time raising money and awareness for various charitable causes. Is life great or what? This night's proceeds went toward the local VFW and "recognized the dead by helping the living." In honor of this, one team was dressed (kinda sorta) in camouflage.

BTW, for those of you naughty-in-your-own-assuming ways thinking that this is a big gay (or worse word) event, you have assumed wrong. (Not that there would be anything wrong with roller derby if it WERE a big gay grrrl event.) I'd say this is a bunch of straight grrrlz working out their frustrations while their very manly boyfriends stand around and suck beer down like there's no tomorrow. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a roller-queer or two around; I'm just saying you might be surprised--it's not like the softball leagues of the 1980's. ha ha!

BTW-squared: there is no way I could ever roller derby; I'd never get out of bed the next day. Any visions of grandeur of roller derby participation were quickly squelched by reality: maybe 25 years ago, but not now--I get hurt walking into open frig doors and when walking in business dress shoes. I'd have to hire My Beloved Lady Chiropractor to come live with us, and even then I wouldn't be able to get out of bed for a week. (It's almost as bad as Brett Favre thinking he can play pro football at 40.....0h wait, he IS doing that.....how the hell does he get up on Monday morning?)

BTW-cubed: the local team is a WFTDA apprentice team, not that that matters. Just a factoid for all you nerds.

BTW times Four: I don't usually include anything brand-specific information in my blogs, but in this case I thought it'd be oaky to use the name's real team and location. They deserve a little free press, don't you think?

Okay, okay--the actual event. Lots of fun names, lots of scoring of which I did not understand, lots of refs (geez, there were as many refs as were skaters), lots of bruises (the ref had a horrific bruise on her thigh--yikes!). Pivot, Blockers, Jammer--five women on each team, five women trying to keep each other from scoring points, five women skating counter-clockwise. Usually, there were always several women in the penalty box at the same time--what they did to land there, I do not know. I have no idea who won and I have no idea if the score of the bout was good, bad, usual, unusual or what.

We had a close up view of one skater take quite the tumble--took her awhile and the team doctor to get her up and back on the track. Being the tough grrrrrl that she was, she got her back cracked back into place and a few minutes later she was back to jamming. I later learned that she is 29 years old--no wonder she was able to get back up. I would have been in traction after such a hit.

If you have a choice to see roller derby or get an enema, go with the roller derby. If you have a choice to see roller derby or watch a Lifetime TV movie, go with roller derby. If you have the chance to go see roller derby or meet Jillian Michaels, go with Jillian Michaels TO the roller derby. It's fun, it's cheap, it's interesting....and, it supports a good cause.

Before going....may I suggest you try and come up with your own roller derby name. Names with sexual connotation work well. Play on word names also work handsomely. Real names must be avoided, so don't just take your given name and add a word to it--Addi-tude might work but Awesome Addi would not. The wife might be opt for something like Cy Attica or Hotfer Teacher.

You might also work on your derby attire--something ripped & black will always fit in. A pre-game dinner, a padded bleacher seat thingy, a loud voice and a sense of humor will go a long way.

I give roller derby four out of five wheels; if asked face to face by one of the participants, I will say five out of five wheels. It's not like I can outrun them, they've got all that protective equipment on and they are used to inflicting pain.

Don't just sit there--go to a roller derby bout. If you can't find one in your area, go rent Raquel Welch's movie and enjoy a little roller derby of your own. Growl!
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