I have ice on my Achilles tendon right now. Don't you want to know why? I bet you do.

Before I begin--and, I swear to you every word of what I am about to write is true--I'd like to say the wife is doing better, albeit still in pain, still unable to do much of anything. She tried to drive her beloved Mustang today but she is unable to drive the stick shift without causing herself considerable pain. This is a problem as she loves that car. She survived the Packer loss, too. It's tough to be the wife right now.

But, back to me. It's my blog, after all.

It had been a hellish day, complete with full moon and ridiculously unexplainable behavior at the place of which I do not speak. I noticed that moon last night when walking with MJagger....and, although it was very beautiful, I knew it was not a good omen. A full moon is a full moon. As it's audit time at the place of which I do not speak, I was dressed up in a business suit (the last one that I can still squeeze into--the others are relegated to the back of the closet, screaming for smaller hips), wearing my new dress shoes--with heels. I figured if you're gonna be stressed, you might as well look nice.

Remember the heel part, because it comes into play in just a few short minutes. Also note that these shoes don't fit very well--I bought them because they were five dollars and for that amount, I figured they didn't have to fit perfectly. They are wides and I don't have a wide foot, so there was plenty of room to "swim." Combine that with those dress socks you wear with dress shoes and it's like a swimming pool party in there.

I'd had just about enough of today. At 3 PM, I took a vote and determined that my work day was officially over (I voted in favor of being done) and thought, "hey! why don't I go buy the wife some flowers on the way home from work?" Being the cheap ass that I am and because I am all about convenience, I decided that a trip to Wally World would suffice. I figured I could also pick up some things like half & half, Milo, candy, dog bones, the niece's birthday present as well as get some flowers.

Picture this: Me, standing outside my car in the Wally World parking lot, in my brown business suit and dress shoes. Picture it about 40 degrees, partly cloudy, windy but not too bitter. Picture me tired and not paying much attention. Picture me deciding that I don't wanna carry all these stupid keys because I don't have belt loops. (NOTE TO SELF: Buy NO pants without belt loops.) Envision me unhooking my car keys from my work keys, tossing the work keys into the car. Picture me deciding not to carry my stupid cell phone because I don't have any pants pockets and I forgot my purse at work and I just don't have the oomph to carry one extra thing. Picture me slamming the car door shut.....

....picture me standing there in my business suit and dress shoes, holding my work keys, not my car keys.

Yup, just locked my car keys and cell phone in the car.

I didn't get mad. I didn't get upset. I didn't do much of anything but stand there and laugh. At first, I didn't realize what I had truly done....I just thought I'd use my cell phone and call someone to come get me.

.....Of course, if my cell phone weren't locked in the car, this might have been easier.

I then decided that Wally World is nice enough and that they'll let me use a phone to call someone....

.....but, every single phone number I know is IN the cell phone, which is in my locked car.

Who the hell knows people's phone numbers any more? They are in your friggin' cell phone! Who needs to memorize anything? (We have so many dang friends and not for one of them do I know their cell phone numbers.)

I had a few choices: I could call the wife (wrong answer!) or work (hell if I'm calling them) or just go shopping and figure it out after that. I knew MJagger was unavailable, so that wasn't an option. I figured shopping was the way to go. I went in, purchased the flowers and four bags of Dove Dark Chocolate (I'm serious), some awful tasting gum and the niece's birthday gift. I was sure I would see someone I'd know--after all, this is Wally World and I always see someone I know....

...except for on today. Today, I see no one I know.

I am now left with two options: I find a phone and call the wife and wait for her to finish work (about 1.5 hours away) or I walk home. I chew on this as Wally World is about 2.5 or three miles from home and there are no sidewalks--it's basically a three mile walk on grass/mud/garbage along a four lane highway. I'm in good shape so the walk itself is not daunting at all; in fact, it seems downright easy (well, besides the terrain and traffic--but, what's life without a few challenges?).....

It's the shoes.

I'm not sure about walking three miles in dress shoes, especially because the shoes don't fit very well. As if it will help, I stand in the parking lot and look east, kinda sorta toward our house. I don't want to call the wife. I grab my little white plastic Wally World bags and head toward home.

Picture me walking down a four-lane road, carrying flowers from Wally World. Picture me shoveling Dove Dark Chocolate into my mouth as I am walking.

You would think I would see someone as I walked home, but no. You would think someone would see a lady in a business suit and dress shoes and think she might need a ride, but no. No one even honked. (Sucks to be old and in a business suit. No one honks for that.) I was careful to take it slow and steady--the unevenness of the ground made walking in dress shoes even that more challenging and I was not about to get hurt walking home from Wally World.

I start out just fine, although the shoes do hurt. They are slipping around and the heel is not my walking shoe of choice. My Achilles heel doesn't feel right but I persevere. I can't stop now. I look east and keep moving. I step over garbage, dead animals (aka road kill that has somehow made its way up the curb), mud piles, dog poop piles, rocks and various piles of unidentified objects. It's getting colder and I'm getting colder and the wind is whipping and my little plastic Wally World bags are catching the breeze and flying away from me. My dress socks aren't helping anything and for a dot, I contemplate taking them off so I slip around less in my shoes. I decide this might lead to blistering and so I leave my slippery socks in place.

My hands started getting numb about half way home. I'm not sure if it was the wind chill or the plastic bags cutting off the circulation to my hands. I held on to those damned flowers, tho--they weren't gonna get away.

I finally get to the gas station, of which I know is literally a half mile away from our house. I stand in the parking lot and scan the cars--for pete's sake, you'd think I'd see one of our neighbors gassing up. Not. I sigh and start walking again, feet now in agony, Achilles screaming in pain, blisters building like there is no tomorrow, knee freaking out and no longer cured. I contemplate taking off my shoes and socks and just walking bare foot for the last 1/2 mile but decide it's too cold for that.

Did I mention the last 1/2 mile is completely uphill? You can verify this with the wife. Uphill. Up. Up. Up. Uphill in the shoes that don't fit.

It took me almost an hour to get home, but I made it. Feet in pain but pride in tact, I have made it home.

Did I mention I threw away the shoes when I got home?

I never want to see them again because there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm ever going to wear them again. EVER. So, out they must go.

To the wife's credit, she didn't give me too hard a time once she got home and saw me but not my car. To the wife's credit, she didn't give me too long a lecture about my repeated keys-locked-in-car problems. To the wife's credit, she noticed the flowers and was appreciative of them.

Hope she likes them. Think she'd like a pair of shoes to go with them?