Runaway Grandma




Oh dear, I witnessed the most....most.....incredible?..... unexpected?..... awesome?.... incidents yesterday. I was at an event for the place of which I do not speak (but if I did speak of it, you know it would be about my place of employment, of which I certainly do NOT speak about and would totally deny speaking about if questioned), surrounded by persons of older stature. If I did speak of work, I will tell you that due to the nature of the crowd, there were many electric scooters, electric wheelchairs, walkers, canes and other supportive devices. It was more like an obstacle course than special event and it took much artful dodging when weaving through the crowd.

My only words of advice to those who attend such ordeals: GET.OUT.OF.THE.WAY.

Anyways, I was standing near one of the "back" walls when I saw something that really didn't register with my brain. I was staring out into the crowd while doing a job of which I shall not speak, but suffice it to say it involved me babbling on a microphone, when I saw things start to topple like dominoes, only in very slow motion. When I say "things," I mean the vendor booths. One by one, from the outside working the way in, vendor curtains/signs/booth poles were falling slowly away from me. Mid sentence, I stopped making my overhead announcement and instead stood there, mouth open, brain not comprehending.

I saw a guy standing next to me sprint toward the toppling curtains and poles. A display table went toppling. WTF? My brain finally realized something was very wrong. My master's degree came into big help in figuring out something had happened on the other side of the vendor booths.

I quickly ran over to provide some semblance of help. A quick scan of the area (because that is what one is supposed to do when approaching a dangerous situation--see? I paid attention in first aid training--visually scan the area) suggested that no one was seriously hurt or in danger of being hurt. I proceeded to the end booth where one of the vendors was sprawled out on the floor, not hurt but rather completely stunned.

The issue?

RUNAWAY GRANDMA!

Seems that an elderly participant in an electric scooter/wheelchair vehicle/apparatus (of which I am not sure because it was such a blur) had gone CRASHING through the end booth, never slowing down, never never veering off course.....and, continued to bullet her way out of the area and on to the exit.

A hit and run!

Someone get that license plate number!

Grandma never looked back--she kept speeding along on her own private mission. Did.not.slow.down.one.bit. Grandma didn't miss a beat. VRRRROOOOOOM! From the looks of things, Grandma had no idea she had just taken down a slew of vendor booths and one vendor.

I'm thinking Grandma shot out the door and returned to her car, hopefully not to drive herself home. Hell, Grandma might have thought she WAS at home and didn't even know she was at this event....

As noted and quite thankfully, there were no injuries (except psychological, I'm guessing) and thus it is deemed VERY funny. It's one of those things that you had to "be there" to truly appreciate. But, c'mon--how often do you see a hit-and-run-runaway-grandma in a wheelchair? I'm sure you are having a visual!

I need to add another quick tidbit about a guy having a runaway walker, so the men readers of this blog don't make wisecracks about women drivers.....

I was once again standing, staring at the crowd, when I saw a man using one of those really fancy walkers--leather seat, two brakes, metallic red. I could tell he was REALLY unsteady and having a hard time keeping up with his wheels. He was leaning at a 45 degree angle, feet flying under him as he traveled forward, way too fast for his own good. I could tell he had no control of where he had been or where he was going. His wife chased along, many steps behind.....

....A quick survey of his path of motion indicated he was heading straight toward one of the beautiful (quite awesome, I might say) antique cars on display.

Metal on metal, only seconds away. His trajectory suggested he would run into the car, bounce and then scrape along the side. I had to act quickly!

In those few milli-seconds I had to react, I realized I had to intercept the walker but also knew that because I was behind him, I'd have to "sneak" up on him, grab the walker to re-direct it and might accidentally knock him over. He might fall when I grabbed the walker. No matter, the car had to be saved.

Broken hip or ruined paint job? Man, this was a sucky choice.

No time to contemplate the merits of injuring a guy over explaining to the owner of a car about the dent and ruined paint job, I ran up to him, just as he literally got to the car. Just like Grandma in the runaway wheelchair, this guy didn't slow down......in fact, he was gaining speed.

I grabbed the fancy red walker and as gently, as firmly as I could, I maneuvered him away from the car. It almost was disastrous for the car, as my action--if I failed--would now mean he would SCRAPE his walker along the entire side of the car. Grandpa never realized that I had commandeered his wheels. Thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, my swift action (and I do mean swift--I haven't moved that fast since college), allowed Grandpa to only ever-so-slightly tap the car and then veer off into the empty space now in front of him...

There was no visible damage of any kind to the car. Grandpa kept going but at least now there was nothing in his path of motion (well, except for a wall but that was at least twenty yards away and I really didn't care about the wall).

His wife? She was ten paces behind. She looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. (Thanks for nothing, lady. You could have at least said thanks or "oh my!" or "nice catch!" or something acknowledging I just saved you a shitload of money.)

I sighed, turned away from the cars and ventured back to complete my assignments, having only one thought for the rest of the day.....

.....Man, it sucks to get old.
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