Welcome to the Puke-a-torium

Things have been all messed up in the Addiverse, which I will now shall refer to as the "Puke-a-torium." Poor Freckles Warrior Princess has been sicker than....well, sicker than a dog. In the past 72 hours, I think I have secured about 8 hours of sleep. I look like poop. Like dog poop. That's because Frecks has some kind of puking-pooping-grass/carpet licking disease of unknown origin. It's either the fertilizer on the lawn OR she swallowed a chunk of a rawhide bone OR she has a virus. No matter the cause, the puke has been a-flowing. Do you know what a house smells like after a dog has thrown up TEN times in one night? Or, what the actual dog smells like after all that puking? Or what your wife looks like after cleaning up puke all night? It's horrible. Add to that some pooping and peeing in the house and you've got yourself a cornucopia of odoriferous delights.

You can't fault the dog for the poop, pee & puking thing as she really does look miserable and she's not sleeping any more than I am. She pants, paces and then starts licking the carpeting. What's up with that? Forget sending her outside without a leash, as she tries to eat the grass as soon as her paws hit the earth. Freckles will even try to lick the grass in an effort to help herself. She won't eat anything--not even her beloved Alpo Sticks or Mc Donald's hamburger. No treats, no cottage cheese, no rice, no broth, no nothing. Since she is the Fatty Patty, this is very distressing to me.

The vet didn't seem too concerned--gave the Warrior Princess a shot of something that cost me $25 and sent us on our way. As long as the dog is drinking water, it's all good. Kind of. I bet her dog isn't puking all over the house.

Last night, in sheer desperation, I grabbed her (the dog, not the vet) in a death grip and held on for dear life while trying to keep her on the couch with me. It worked fabulously until I fell asleep....and was awoken a few minutes later to the delightful smell of fresh sick dog poop. Freckles had pooped a nice little pile of diarrhea poo....after all, there can't be much left in her since she is not eating anything.

I thought things were looking up during lunch today as she didn't try to eat the grass when I let her out. She even ate some morsels of Alpo Stick....but, when I got home, I knew--there was the runny poo and one sad looking dog. I again brought her a McDonald's hamburger but she would have none of it. (Lucy, on the other hand, was so excited she almost gave birth.) I will watch her again tonight--and probably not sleep--and then all bets are off. I will take her to the vet and sit there until they do something. None of us can go on like this. (The wife and her Favre-a-roids are out of town for the night at a convention. She's probably deliriously happy not to be here.)

When we go outside, Poor Lucy is so confused. I take the dogs out and I'm yelling "GO POTTY!" to Freckles, followed by loud, mean "NO!" because she's trying to eat grass and then I yell "GO POTTY" followed by another scream of "NO!" and Lucy's like, go potty--no, don't go potty? Go potty? No, don't go potty? She's gonna need therapy.

On a happier note, I saw my beloved Lady Chiropractor today and for a few moments, it didn't matter that I haven't been sleeping. A new challenge was set before me--I got to ride an exercise bike while four electrodes were strapped to my knee. I want you to imagine the scene: me on a bike in my dress clothes, wearing my dress shoes, trying to pedal a bike with four things strapped to my leg. I could barely keep my feet on the pedal--they kept slipping off due to my shoes. For ten minutes, I did my best and then I was freed from further torture....and, off to get my neck cracked. I suppose I should be all about my knee, but I am not. My knee is fixed as far as I'm concerned. In fact, it's the best it's been in probably 20 years. Seriously. No, now I am all about how great I feel. Crack, crack, crack. Since this whole adjustment thing started, I haven't had many headaches at all, I don't have aches and pains in general and I feel taller (although I am most assuredly am not).

As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed a little bulletin board right by the front door. There was a photo of some guy and my Beloved Lady Chiropractor. I took a closer look, as it was a very nice photo. This guy was deemed "Patient of the Month" because of referrals he made to the clinic and because he recognized the importance of chiropractic treatment. Now, I am a poster child of this chiropractor thing and I KNOW I can get a few of you to go get a free consultation, can't I? This could be your Christmas present to me--go get a consultation and tell her I referred you. Next thing you know, I'LL have MY photo with my Beloved Lady Chiropractor.

I'd write more but I just got a whiff of a dog excrement of some kind. I'm thinking it must be poop on FWP's butt but I'm thinking it seems more reminiscent of puke....which means I have to stop writing and start looking for the culprit. It's hard to tell one smell from another when you live in the Puke-a-torium.......