This and That

Happy Election Day! I shall not speak of the election but instead whine about my need to buy new underwear. 

Bigger underwear. I know, I know. The wife says I have body image problems. There's no news flash! Of course I have body image concerns. But(t), there is NOTHING that will feed those neuroses faster than needing new--read: bigger--underwear. God danged bigger underwear! (I wanted to say swear words but I am really trying not to swear, in honor of those I work with and in honor of the Baby Jesus, who continues to hound me.) 

I have realized for a week or two that the current undies just aren't making the grade. For instance, today while visiting my beloved lady chiropractor, I noticed my undies were basically in my butt crack. As they are not thong undies, they are certainly not supposed to be there in that ol' butt crack, but there they were. I tried to inconspicuously pull them out but those puppies were WEDGED in there. As I lay there, bones cracking in sheer delight as my beloved lady chiropractor is jumping on me, I'm thinking "dear god, I hope she can't see my underwear lines showing my undies are in my butt crack." Because I was so concerned about this underwear thing, I forget to monitor myself and instead of remaining calm and quiet, a big ol OOOOOOOHHHHHH! moan-sound fell out of my mouth as she cracked my hips/back. I apologized, meekly indicating it felt good. She didn't look too mortified but then again I can't see her because she takes away my glasses and for all I know, it might be Dr. Jesus jumping on me, so I am not totally sure she wasn't make grossed out faces. She gave me another appointment, so she must be used to stupid sounds coming out of her clients. 

So, I go to work (not that I ever talk about work) and I am pulling my undies out of my ass AGAIN because they have creeped back where they do not belong....and, then I realize I am standing in front of the building security cameras. Since they monitor the activities outside the building quite closely, I am pretty sure the receptionist is having a good laugh at my expense. 

When you are pulling your underwear out of your butt in front of security cameras, it is time to give in and admit bigger underwear is paramount to survival. I won't be going out tonight for undie shopping--I'll save that for the weekend. Tonight, I will do a Leslie Sansone walking tape and pull my undies out every half mile or so. I take Jillian's name in vain, I'll curse that third cookie I ate at lunch, I lament about projections from the media about who is winning the presidency. I'll tell the wife to turn off the TV so I don't have to listen to the political nonsense and I'll indeed whine about my butt and my too-small underwear..... 

In closing, I would like to say one election-related thing: If Obama loses, I will NEVER vote for a presidential candidate again. Loyal readers understand that I have a 0% winning rate with voting for presidential candidates. President Clinton should send me a thank you note for being out of town when he was running. Senator Obama, I am so sorry. I did indeed vote for you, so if you lose, I am to blame. With love and underwear lines, addi warrior princess, bleeding liberal.