Cloris, Lance & Clay 

Oh, HERE'S a surprise: Clay Aiken is gay! OMG, I had no idea (tongue so firmly in cheek I am choking on it). What are all the Clay mates going to do? (Um, girls, if you didn't really know about Clay I've got a bridge to nowhere to sell you.) I loved this side by side photo of Lance Bass and Clay (from OKmagazine.com) and thought I'd slap it right here. No, they are not really standing next to each other and no, they are not together but yes, they are both as queer as the day is long. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Nod to Jerry Seinfeld.) 

 Gay Clay brings me to Gay Lance which brings me to.... 

DANCING with the STARS!!! .

...which brings me to Cloris Leachman....which makes me........ 

Shallow, shallow, shallow. That's me. 

How can you not love Cloris Leachman? Any 82 year old broad who can hike her leg up onto the judge's table, grabs her dance partner's body parts and who swears like a sailor (no offense to any sailors) is all right with me. (Okay, so there are a lot of people that don't love Cloris but those are people who are constipated and probably are carrying "She Who Must Not Be Named" bumperstickers on their cars.)

I won't waste your time trying to write something witty about Cloris or DWTS; I'll borrow from the Internet (more shallowness seeping through). "As Sarah Rogers reports on Show Tracker, "She’s a force! Some highlights included her thrusting her leg up on the judges’ table, sitting on judge Carrie Ann’s lap, and telling people to vote for her because she was an orphan, and being an orphan involves a great deal of sadness. Backstage, when Samantha stated their total score, Cloris ripped a cue card with the number 16 written on it from some intern’s hands and exclaimed, 'They can’t even add up the numbers here, they’re so stupid!' Meanwhile, the rest of the cast appeared to be urinating beneath their sequins. In the end, however, despite the fact that it is extremely impressive to be 82 and dancing (she’s partnered with Corky Ballas, the father of Mark), 16 isn’t that great of a score, and it’s unlikely she’ll last too long, which is unfortunate. She provides an element of unpredictability that the show sorely needs."

Like I said, what's not to love? As loyal readers know, I have a sad, sad passion for DWTS and this season is no exception. I do think that three nights in a row for the season's opener and the new format is a bit much and I really don't like the Jonas Brothers (no offense to the three zillion teen fans) and I'm really upset that Edyta was booted off first (travesty!) but otherwise, it's shallow heaven. (Note to Edyta: don't worry--they'll give you plenty of screen time. Please smile. You look so sad. We love you! Take some clothes off. You'll feel better.) This season, I'm cheering for Lance, more for his partner than for him. She rocks! Not that any of you care, I am all about Warren Sapp, Misty May & Maurice, not for their dancing prowess but for their bravery (stupidity) to go from the athletic field to the dance floor. And, hello! Brooke-I-shot- out- four- babies is out of control. Who can give birth to four babies--one only four months ago--and look like that? Add to that her dance partner is Derek--get out of the way, Gay Clay! No spoiler here: Cloris, vegetarian and eight decades old (whose one son was married to Sharon Stone--how's that for some useless trivia?) had indeed made it to Round three, so hold on to your cajones and go for the ride. And to all you blinded-by-the-news Clay Mates, watch DWTS to take your mind off of it. It'll be okay. Just don't let Lance's presence on the dance floor make you think of your beloved Clay and the loss you have now incurred. Focus on Susan Lucci, cry a sad soap opera tear and be brave. If you were Edyta, you'd have something to REALLY cry about. Gay Clay? Not so much. Now, if Clay and Lance were dance partners on DWTS, THAT would be something to cry about.