Buttcracks and Tin Foil

I can't believe I forgot to post these photos and the tin foil information before this very moment! I guess I've had a lot on my mind....

For my going away part at my "old" job, the clients got me a present:















Now, you may asking yourself (1) what the hell is an official butt crack inspector; (2) why would clients give me a shirt identifying me as a butt crack inspector; and (3) why does that butt look more like balls? It's all because of my "Clean your buttcrack!" speeches given over the years.

Yes, there are times one must give a "clean your buttcrack" speech. Some of my clients--those identified as chronically mentally ill--spend most of their day just trying to cope with all those mental illness symptoms. Do you think they have time to think about changing their undies or practicing good bodily hygiene? Sometimes not. Do you think clean undies or a good hygiene is even on their radar when they have auditory hallucinations telling them all sorts of awful things? No, not at all. So, at times there are REALLY STINKY buttcracks inthe world and this is not acceptable.

Dirty buttcracks on a hot, steamy summer day can be a real problem. If you have not had the pleasure of this odoriferous issue, you cannot possibly understand what I am talking about.

Enter me and my butt crack cleanliness speeches, complete with detailed directions for how one washes their buttcracks. Actually, I had a partner in crime with the clean buttcrack campaign and thus can't take ALL the credit--Mama Goat (Queen of Clean)--was one good butt crack inspector in her own right. Without her, this would not have been a successful endeavor. She was ALL OVER those with dirty cracks. I mean ALL OVER. NO one had a prayer when we were on the prowl. We even had a handout with my cartoons on it to illustrate this very important practice. (Thank you Mama Goat, you rock! I miss you!)

To all of you other staff that were instrumental in helping with the cleanliness of buttcracks and underwear, god love you. Ciabatta bread, MJagger, Blessed Grandma, we pay homage to you.

Thus, this t-shirt really touched my heart. It was like the best thing they could have EVER given me and I'm serious about that. Not only does it show they have a great sense of humor, it shows they were actually listening all those years. The world can thank us for all those clean buttcracks. The world is a better place.

If any of you would like to hear the butt crack lecture, I will gladly give it to you.

TIN FOIL TIDBIT: I got this in an email and thus I was really skeptical, but I did check it out and it's true. Promise me you, too will go check your tinfoil and saran wrap boxes. You won't be sorry:

"Whoever looks at the end of your aluminum foil box? What a fantastic idea. I've been using aluminum foil for years. Great stuff, but sometimes it can be a pain. You know, like when you are in the middle of doing something and you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box.

Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

...For some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, "Press here to lock end".

Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of
aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran Wrap and it had one too! I can't count the number of times the Saran Wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up. I'm sharing this with my friends that did not know this. I know I'm not the only person that didn't know about this."

















Finally, now that you have looked at your boxes of tin foil and saran wrap and see that this is actually true (I even showed the wife this AM--it is a miracle of the Lord!), here are two photos of Lucy and Freckles as I am grooming them. I decided to make Freckles Warrior Princess look like a sheep dog before giving her bangs a cut. You can see the grooming products behind Freckles. Lucy, as you can see, is quite miserable looking as she knows what is coming. You can see I'm outside on the deck, as the wife does not appreciate dog hair floating through the house. And, you can see (in the photo of Lucy) that I have gated them on to the deck so they cannot escape (and trust me, they WANT to escape)....

.....thankfully, dogs do NOT really have buttcracks, so they were spared that lecture....but, they do need what groomers call a "sanitary" (meaning, their butts are parts are cleaned and shaved so they don't get poop stuck in their hair), which is kind of like getting your buttcrack cleaned....

No wonder they look so miserable. You do NOT want me shaving your butt hole, do you?