Jinxed Jersey, Coughing Canine, The Super Pooper, Favre Faux Paux

I have so much to say that I have to have a four part header. That should scare all of you.
Let's start with the Jinxed Jersey. The wife purchased a new Brett Favre jersey from eBay, just in time for the playoffs. She was all excited because it was yellow (different), it was Favre's jersey (spelled correctly-- you should see how many people spell it incorrectly on eBay) and it was Packer-licious (just in time for the playoffs). The only problem? The wife is VERY superstitious when it comes to her Packers that she wasn't really sure she should wear a Packer-related item during the playoffs that she had not previously worn during the regular season. "It might be bad luck," she reasoned. I could tell this was a monumental decision. My answer? Leave her at home to make such decisions--I went to my football pool party instead of participating in the decision making. (Side note: The wife refused to go to the party as she did NOT want to be around ANYONE who might not be cheering for the Packers. She likes to watch the game in the privacy of her own home, with only a small, select few friends. Boy, she STILL hasn't forgiven me for the Packer Party back in 1997.)

The wife decided on trying out the jersey; after all, she bought it for the play-offs. She goes over to Master Reiki and Blue Eyes' house to watch the game, settles in and gets ready for the Cheese Fest.....

.....within four minutes, the Packers were getting stomped, had fumbled twice and were getting trounced. This, as you can imagine, left the wife in a frenzy. There was only one thing to do. Master Reiki yelled out, "TAKE OFF THE JERSEY!" And, thus the wife did. In true superstition fashion, as soon as the wife took the jersey off, the Packers came back in a fury, crushed their opponents and easily won the game.

As you can imagine, the jersey is now safely hidden in the back of a closet, "resting" until next year's season.

As for the dogs, Freckles kept me up all night on Friday night/Saturday morning with awful, disgusting, painful honking-coughing-choking-gasping sounds. I wasn't sure if she was choking on an unidentified object or having a heart attack or having repeated collapsing trachea, but I knew it was a problem. I knew there was a problem earlier in the day, as Frecks wasn't able to walk as "well" as usual--in fact, I had to carry her at one point 'cuz she kept honking. I tried to sleep on the floor with her, patting her and reassuring her as she honked/gasped/ choked, but it really didn't seem to help. (Lucy, on the other hand, was delighted to have me on the floor and kept licking my face and jumping on me. No honking from her.) I went and got our dog first aid book but couldn't decide on what was truly the matter. The only thing I could do is call the vet first thing in the morning. She looked miserable.

I call the vet ("Lots of Cats"--only we would take our dogs to a cat vet) and explain the problem. As the receptionist can hear Freckles hacking in the background, she tells me to bring her right in. We hop in the car and two minutes later, we're at the vet, Frecks coughing like there is no tomorrow. The receptionist looks rather freaked out and immediately goes to get the vet.....

.....and, what happens? The damned dog stops coughing/nonking/choking the minute the vet comes into the reception area. Figures. It's just like taking your car to the mechanic because of some awful noise and when you get there, the car isn't making the noise any more. She asks us to go into an exam room and explains she'll be with us as soon as possible.

Thankfully, Freckles honked/coughed/choked nice and loud for the two vet assistants. They, too looked a little tenuous and concerned but not as much as the poor receptionist. One of them cocks her head and then asks, "Your dog hasn't been boarded recently, has she?" Surprised, I answer, "Why, yes--they were at the kennel about a week ago."

Duh. I NEVER thought about the possibility of kennel cough. I was too busy predicting the demise of our beloved canine and the thought of deciding how much a dog is "worth" before the cost outweighs the benefits. The vet returns and heart disease is ruled out. An obstruction is basically ruled out. Trachea collapse is ruled out. No temp, good energy, still eating, stong heart, increased coughing when walking....perfect "symptoms" for kennel cough. An antibiotic and a cough suppressant and we are on our way.

You know what's really funny? The wife, the dog and I are all on anti-biotics right now. Maybe we don't have colds--maybe we have kennel cough.
As for the Super Pooper report, rest assured, dear readers, that I HAVE pooped. My motto of "take four, they're small" seemed to be the ticket to success. (Actually, it was "take TEN instead of FOUR.") I do not suggest anyone do this, as (1) it's just bad practice, (2) it's probably not safe to ignore medication directions, and (3) lesser people would probably have experienced their intestines exploding. For me, it's a must. I mean, short of Roto-rooter, there was nothing coming out of there. May I say that I suggest one stay home after taking ten laxatives, as when it's time, IT'S TIME. I was unfortunately in the car when my "time" came. It was the longest drive home in my life. I was talking out loud, telling myself, "You can make it. You can do this. I'm gonna make it." I waddled into the house, not even trying to get up the stairs--I just stopped in the lower level bathroom and let it all hang out. (This is a "non pooping bathroom," but at that point, it became a "OH-MY-GOD-POOPING-BATHROOM.) I will save you of the details but tell you it was delightful.
Finally, for the "Favre Faux Paux." I had received a Packer-Bear slide show/email that I found quite funny. As the wife's family is comprised of HUGE Packer fans, I thought they would enjoy receiving the diddy. I sent it to a whole boatload of friends and family. It really wouldn't have been a problem, but....

...the wife's family is very--how should I say?--Pious? Religious? Prudish? Holy? Super Religious?....

....and, since I didn't delete the last slide (which features a photo of their hero Brett holding a sign that says "Fuck the Bears") and as I didn't realize this until I had forwarded it to EACH and EVERY one of the wife's family....

....I indeed made a life-ruining HUGE Brett Faux paux. Understand, these people don't even think the "F" word, let alone say it, let alone want to EVER see their "man" desecrated....well, you can imagine this did NOT go over well.....

....I'm sure they are praying for my poor, deviant soul right now.....