Here's the Scoop, Poop!

In honor of Poopreport.com's "Poop of the Year" nominations, I submit to you my story of constipation. If you haven't ever gone to the Poopreport.com site, you MUST do so immediately after reading this blog entry. It's so wrong it's right.

File this one in the "way too much information" department.

I.......

......................CANNOT........................

...............................................................poop.

(Told you this would be way too much information.)

I have not pooped for so long I'm becoming hysterical. I'm dreaming about pooping--seriously. I'm obsessed by it. I even prayed about it. I think about it all the time. "Why can't I poop?" "When will I poop?" "How can I make myself poop?" I'm almost ready to eat a grease-laden hamburger with grease-soggy fries from some dive (that would probably kill me after not eating meat so long, but I bet I'd poop before I died.)

Now, we're not talking weeks here, so don't be thinking bowel obstruction surgery is just around the corner. But, if something doesn't come flying out of my anus soon, I will take a butter knife, slit open my abdomen and YANK something out of my intestines. I would have thunk the homemade three-bean soup would have sent things a-flying, but I am here to tell you that I ate that on SUNDAY (and leftovers on Monday) and I have yet to see one hint of anything from that meal. I don't even know how that's possible.

As I am so miserable, I have made it quite public about my lack of poopness. I have had many interesting suggestions from co-workers about how to alleviate the problem--everything from the greasy hamburger/fries meal to having a shot of tequila. I'm not quite ready to start drinking alcohol to address the issue, but the thought has crossed my mind--is it better to be drunk and constipated than sober and constipated?

It's those damned antibiotics. Last time I took them, I didn't poop til the cows came home--and they took the long way. I have two days to go with the antibiotics and I'm waving the white flag. I just can't take it any more. For god's sake, my eyes are now brown. I know I'm breaking the cardinal rule of antibiotics ("Thou must take all ten days of medication") but I don't care anymore.

I stopped by Walgreens last night on the way home from a meeting. Thought a little medicine might be in order. I stood right under the big sign that says "LAXATIVES," right next to the stock boy who was re-arranging the laxatives. Now, I would usually be too horrified to stand in the aisle staring at products with someone standing there, but you know what? I DIDN'T CARE. I would have knocked him out of the way if it came down to it. So, I stood there, poop-filled as I am, staring at the myriad products. I was stunned at all the choices--and the wide range of prices. I thought it would be a few boxes of Ex-lax and caster oil, but there were shelves and shelves of laxative products. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I had to read a lot of boxes. I didn't want a stimulant, but I didn't want to wait another week to poop. I would have liked some phyllium laden product but that said nothing about pooping "gently in the next 12-24 hours." I didn't want to wait 24 more hours so I needed something a bit "quicker." I certainly didn't want anything to do with an enema. Had I seen any suppositories, I suppose I would have considered them but none were hanging out in the laxative aisle. I didn't have time to research any of this on the Internet and I'm sure the stock boy (who was like 12 years old) didn't have a clue about how-to-poop medications. I settled on a box of something unheard of with ten pills (save money and put out positive thoughts that I will be pooping after only a few of these tidbits).

Well, I am awake this AM and I only feel a faint rumbling in the distance. While I'm typing this, I'm flipping back and forth on the Internet looking for "constipation cures." My favorite so far is "try is a cup of tomato juice mixed with half a cup of sauerkraut juice and a quarter cup of carrot juice. It may not have a pleasant flavor, but it works great!" Okay, I can't imagine drinking tomato juice sauerkraut carrot juice but the thought is getting more enticing as I sit here. I am going to go on with my business, go drink some coffee and go pray to the poop gods......

....anyone have a jar of sauerkraut in their desk?