Birch Butt

If you are wondering where I've been (please tell me someone was wondering where I've been or I'll need more therapy for abandonment issues), I'll tell you where I've been. You know that ice storm we had this weekend? (Maybe you don't. Well, there was this ice storm on Saturday evening.) The wife says to me, "I hope the trees are okay." I scoffed at this--I mean, our trees are large enough to fend for themselves, and besides, it didn't look that bad outside.

Foolish, foolish me.

The wife goes to let the dogs out the front door for the "last pee of the night" when she announces she can't get the front door open b/c of all the ice on the stoop. I sigh and offer to take the dogs out myself via the garage. (How much is a fence?) I get all dressed up, right down to the snow pants, hook up the dogs and exit the garage door......when, what do I see but our beautiful river birch in the front yard literally bending over, branches from the top touching the ground, one large clumb snapped off, lying painfully on the ground. My jaw dropped to the ground, just like that limb. I shooed the dogs back inside and went back out to save the tree.

I had to try. It's our favorite tree and I couldn't bear the thought we'd lose it. I grabbed the loppers and the pruning saw and set out on my mission. I started pruning the piss out of that tree. Limbs were flying. Branches were crashing to the ground. I'm huffing and puffing and sweating, limbs shooting upward as I am able to cut free the ice-laden ones weighing everything down. I am covered with ice but I persist.

The wife comes out and asks me what the hell I am doing. It does look like a tree massacre out there. I tell her I am trying to save our tree. We mutter back and forth while I keep sawing and lopping and sweating. It's raining, I'm soaked, I'm tired, I ache, I am desperate. I can't recall the exact details of our "verbal interaction," but I do know when I screamed "SHUT UP!" that the verbal interaction ended.

Suffice it to say, I saved that damned tree, or at least I like to tell myself I did. The yard was a disaster but the tree looked better. I didn't go back into the house until each limb seemed it could hold its own. I also moved the giant clump away from the rest of the tree so no further damage would occur. That was a very dumb move as it was very heavy and my neck, my back, my butt and my pleurisy pain did not appreciate my bravery. I became a victim of "Birch Butt:" sore muscles in the big ol' butt. I don't even want to talk about the rest of my body. I see how people have heart attacks when shoveling.

In the morning, we go outside and take a look at the carnage. Tree limbs and branches are EVERYWHERE. The wife and I get into words again, quite to the delight of our neighbors, I'm sure. She's muttering about needing to shovel the driveway before it all freezes, while I'm trying to shove branches and limbs into paper lawn bags. I am NOT having fun. The wife is NOT having fun. Even the dogs aren't having fun anymore. More than SHUT UP was said during this trial and tribulation.

After many words and many ruined muscles, the wife got the driveway shoveled and I got those damned tree parts picked up and shoved into bags. It took everything in me to not just lay down on the ground and wait for the spring thaw. I'm not sure the tree clump will be saved. We'll have to wait and see on that one. If you drive by, make sure to look at the tree as it's pretty funny to see all these half-branches way up at the top of the tree--it's like you have to ask yourself, "How did they prune way up there?" followed by "WHY did they prune way up there?"

It's supposed to snow five inches tonight. If that's true, I'm gonna go out and find some neighbor kid and pay him like five hundred dollars to shovel the driveway. At least it's not supposed to be ice. I don't think I could have round 2 with that tree. I'll also have to keep the wife out of the bars--when she sees that snow, she'll probably need about thirty drinks. She hates winter.....

....maybe we can snowshoe tonight and see what other muscles we can hurt.....