For this I went to College?

You "regular" visitors to the Addiverse (and I mean regular in the regular sense, not in the you-poop-on-a-daily-basis kind of regular) know that I often talk about and admire poop. Well, today I am going with a different bodily function: Urine (pee, pee pee, Number One). Apologies to those of you who just don't want to hear about me smelling like urine yesterday.....

... Yes, you read that right. Yesterday, I REEKED of urine. Not my own, but a client's urine. (I'm not sure if it's better to smell like your own pee than someone else's pee, but either way, it's not good.)

I usually don't write about "recent" client events because I like to put a little distance between actual event & writing about them so there is some semblance of complete confidentiality, but in this case, I must make exception.

After all, it's not every day I smell like pee.

I wasn't literally peed on, so that's a good thing. It's just that I ended up cleaning volumes of urine from a bed-ridden person and such urine tends to gravitate toward me and my clothes. By the time I was done cleaning the floor, the bed mattress, his clothes, the furniture, I definitely had an "ode de la pee pee" going on.

Now, this really wouldn't be that bad of a thing because part of my job really is disgusting and I'm used to it. (Yes, I am a master-degreed-licensed counselor, but part of the job is working directly with clients in a not-so-counseling-type manner.) The problem with the pee smell was this: I had to take another client to court and I didn't have time to shower or even change my clothes before this court date....and, I didn't realize how badly I smelled until I got in the car. I was sitting there thinking, "god, does he smell like urine or what?" I kind of looked at him out of the corner of my eye as I was driving, trying to figure out why this guy who usually has good hygiene smells like urine. That's when it hits me--it's not him, it's ME.

It's too late to do anything about it. I make fun of it with him (after all, I KNOW he can smell it, too), open the windows and pray that I will air out by the time I get to court.

I do not air out and pray that the persons involved in the case think it's him, not me.

I drop off the client and go visit MJagger. I tell her "I'm sorry--I reek of urine." As I tend to be one that exaggerates, she doesn't really believe me and tells me she doesn't smell anything. She turns around to resume typing on her computer when....I can see it on her face.....she turns back to me and says, "You really AREN'T kidding--you stink of urine!" Her face scrunches in horror. "Told you I smelled like pee," I chirp back. I leave her office, sure that I have "marked" her territory.

As I know the wife will NOT be amused by my new odor, I call her to warn her I will be coming home and stripping in the garage, followed by a direct trip to the washing machine, shoes and all. I can tell by her voice she is already not amused. I open the car windows because I can't stand the way I stink.

I get to the house, strip as planned, barely say hello to the dogs and sprint for the washer. I avoid the wife at all costs, run by the open front door while naked (hot damn! Who opened that door?!) and throw myself into the shower. I am filled with instant relief. It is only now that I can safely say hello to the dogs and the wife.

I gotta ask, "for this I went to college?" I don't remember sitting in my doctoral-level classes thinking, "gee, I'll probably stink like pee on some days." The real world really isn't like what they teach you in school. The real world is much more odoriferous and colorful. Some day, I am going to write a book about what REALLY happens in the world of mental health treatment and I will include chapters such as "You and Bodily Functions of Others," "Mania for Dummies" and "Why Bobby Only Changes his Undies Once a Week."

It'll be a best seller, don't you think?

I gotta go. I have to find out from the wife how to get the pee smell out of the car. Maybe I can have Freckles Warrior Pee-er go in there and mark her own territory. Then, at least it will be a very familiar pee smell......