Addiverse Anatomy

This blog entry is dedicated to Suzuki DiFranco, god love her poop-loving soul. I don’t think she watches Grey’s Anatomy but she was there during the appendectomy….and she appreciates a good poop story almost as much as I do….

For creative blog purposes and in homage to my favorite TV show, I’ve decided to combine the true story of my appendicitis in 2003 with the characters of Grey’s Anatomy. If you don’t watch the show, you will still be able to glean the true facts of the appendectomy but it won’t be half as fun. And, I really did get pictures of my ovaries and cervix out of all this.

Scene One: Feel like shit
Wife: what’s wrong? Why are you home so early?
Me: I dunno. Don’t feel right.
(Lay down on couch. Ugh.)
Izzie: You look like shit.
Meredith: You’re home early. It’s only 2 PM on a workday.
Wife: Don’t forget we have dinner plans with Phlange-a-slam, Little Debbie Sneezeclumper and Suzuki Di Franco.
Me: (to self) Gag. The thought of food makes me nauseous.
Me: “Perhaps it’s just a gas bubble.”
Izzie: Maybe a muffin will help. Eat a muffin. How about $8 million dollars? That might help. And a muffin.
Meredith: A gas bubble. I don’t think it’s a gas bubble.
Izzie: She just needs a muffin. I’ll bake some muffins.

Scene Two: Refuse Dinner
Wife: Aren’t you going to eat?
Me: No, something is wrong in my gut. I must have a giant poop stuck somewhere in my colon.
Me (thought): Always go with constipation or a gas bubble when experiencing gastro intestinal distress, that’s my motto.
George: Are you going to eat that? I’ll eat that.
Izzy: You look like shit. You should have had a muffin.
McAddi: Are you pregnant? If you’re pregnant, I can help you.
Me (to self): I am SO pregnant. You bet your ass you can help me.
George: Are you wearing clean underwear? You know, well, in case it’s not a gas bubble.
(Side note: My mom always preaches how important it is to wear clean underwear. This story will reinforce the importance of this. ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWARE! And, for god’s sakes, shave your legs every once in awhile.)
McAddi: Are you sure you’re not pregnant.
Christina: She is SO not pregnant.

Scene Three: The moment of Insight

Me: A caffeine/chocolate-laced product might be a delightful way to feel better. Let’s go to “Books at Barnes.”
Suzuki: I’ll go.
Wife: Little Debbie, Phlange & I are going to shop at “Bull’s eye.” We’ll meet you at the bookstore.
Me: Jesus, get out of my way, I need a Frappaccino. Complete with whipped cream. Give me extra whipped cream, damn the cholesterol!
Me (crawling to a table, start sipping on the drink of the gods. Hunch over the table.)
Suzuki: You don’t look so good.
Me (thought): This sucks. I’m sorry I’m such lousy company. Boy, this is a tasty frappaccino.
Do what all good nerds do: Go get a medical textbook and bring it to the table.
Me (to Suzuki): Why go to the doctor when you can find the answer yourself? I’m going to get a medical textbook.
Bailey: What the hell are you doing in the medical textbook section? You don’t look so good.
Christina: I didn’t even know you knew how to read.
Izzie: She just needs a muffin.
Me (looking at textbook, scan the pages). Damn, it sure does look like it’s appendicitis—at least it is according to this textbook. NO! It HAS to be a gas bubble! Maybe an egg shooting out of an ovary.
McAddi: I can help you if it’s a problem with an ovary.
Me: I hope it’s my ovary. Growl!
I look at Suzuki and mutter “I think it’s my appendix.”
The guy at the next table overhears this and looks horrified. He scoots his table a few inches away from us.
I want to scream, “IT’S MY APPENDIX, ASSWIPE! YOU CAN’T CATCH THAT!”
Me (Continue to drink my Frappaccino. The shoppers are nowhere to be found.)
Me (to Suzuki, quietly): I need to go the emergency room.
Cristina: I am scrubbing in for this surgery.
Meredith: I had my appendix out in season three. It really wasn’t that bad.
Me: There is NO WAY I am having my appendix out. I am TOO OLD for this nonsense! Don’t like ten year olds get their appendix out?

Scene Four: Crawl to ER
Me (Crawl/hobble/waddleto the desk.)
Receptionist (looks at me, brings me right in.)
Me: Now, that’s service!
(Hint: always clutch your chest or bend over with an appendicitis, and there will be no sitting in a crowded ER waiting room.)
Enter wife and shoppers.
Me: If I’m going to have to be in an ER, I am SO going to have a good time.
Hear laughing. See us laugh, tell jokes, talk about stealing the cross off the wall, decide this is not a good thing to do when possibly facing surgery—you don’t want the ol’ J.C. pissed off at you.

Meredith: I’m going to get some blood for bloodwork.
Cristina: Duh. That’s what blood is for.
Izzie: Can I draw the blood?

Bailey: NO! You are under psychiatric care and can’t do a thing. DO…NOT….TOUCH….THIS…
PATIENT.
Wife goes green, almost passes out.
See Suzuki, Phlang, Little Debbie and the wife telling poop stories, having a delightful time
Bailey: What the hell is going on in here? You are going to get thrown out of that ER if you take that crucifix off the wall.
Me: You know you have true friends when they are willing to sit in a boring ER with you, hours on end.
Cristina: ER s are not boring. Do you need surgery? I want to do your surgery.
Izzie: Can I scrub in?
Bailey: NO!
Me: What about that McAddi? Can she scrub in? Growl Growl!
Alex: I am not doing an appendectomy. How about a rhinoplasty while you’re in there?

Pain. Laughter. Pain. Laughter.
Me: There is NO WAY this is my appendix. I’m just constipated. Or, an egg has shot out of an ovary the “wrong” way.
Bailey: Get a CAT scan. STAT.
George: You’ll have to drink volumes of luscious chalk shakes over the next two hours.
Me: Now, THERE’S a boring way to spend time late in the evening.
See wife, the poor thing, looking like she needs medical attention more than I did. See Suzuki watching me choke down the chalk.

Cristina: The CAT scan was an utter failure—why? Because you are so damned constipated, We literally can’t see anything but a bowel full of shit.
Shows me the xray.
George: Wow, that is a giant intestine of white matter blocking out the view of everything else. That’s a lot of shit.
ME: I TOLD you was constipated! And, for this I took out my belly button ring?

We are now into the wee hours of the morning and there is little I can do but come to my senses and admit that my appendix needs to come out. My friends are more than exhausted. They are true troopers. Everyone should have such good friends.
McAddi goes home because her shift ended.
Me: Damn.

McDreamy: You need surgery.
Me: Um, aren’t you a Neurosurgeon?
McDreamy: Yes. Why do you ask?
Me: So, why are you doing my surgery?
McDreamy: It’s a holiday. Besides, my hair looks so good, I want to show it off.
Meredith: You always look steamy. Even at 3 AM.
Burke: Derek, are you really going to waste your time with an appendectomy?
Me: Um, I can hear you!
George: She can hear you.
Burke: Shut up, faggot.
Meredith: Really. I had my appendix out. It’s really nothing.
Cristina: Did you just call him a fag?
Izzie: Can I scrub in now?
Bailey: NO!
Meredith: I’m sure he didn’t mean to call George a fag.
McDreamy pushes on my belly….holds it…and, when he lets go, I see stars. White light. Searing pain. The pain was absolutely horrific.
Me: I read about “rebound pain” being the hallmark of an appendicitis.
(Side note: see? Those medical text books at the bookstore do come in handy), I practically begged him to take the damned thing out….
Me: Please rip it out.
Chief of Surgery: Burke, did you just call George a Faggot?
Burke: (and I quote) I can neither defend nor explain my behavior.
Cristina: I so want to have sex with you.
McDreamy: Burke, any tremors? If not, I can make sure you have some.
George: I am gay, so what?
Burke: Faggot.
Me: Can we just take the damned thing out?Wife passes out.

Scene Five: Machine-gun-diarrhea
See them rolling me to surgery. Suddenly, see shit flying out of my butt. Serious amounts of shit.
Meredith: Uh oh, that barium chalk stuff is deciding NOW is the time to come out.
Cristina: THIS is why I want to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. No shit. Literally no shit.
Bailey: Izzie, clean this up.
Me (in bathroom, projectile, machine-gun diarrhea flying out of my butt.)
Bailey: Are you stalling in there?
Me: No, I’m having serious poop problems.
See the bathroom door open, the close again. See me dragging my IV thingy along in the bathroom.
(Side note: you know, I have always wondered how my clients at work miss the toilet…how does one miss the toilet when pooping? Now, I know. I know because I shot shit everywhere. It was an explosion matched by no other. Shit hit the toilet, the floor, the wall, my gown…..it was a veritable shit fest.)
See me doing the best I can to clean everything up. I’m wiping the walls as fast as I can and there is nothing I can do about my gown except get back on the gurney will the poop-stained gown and go to surgery like nothing is wrong.
Cristina: Is that poop on your gown?
Meredith: I’m sure her poop-stained gown won’t be the talk of surgery.
Ales: Hey, she forgot to take off her undies—allow me.
See Alex remove my dirty undies and place them in a garbage bag by my head on the gurney.
(Side note: See how important it is to wear clean undies?).
Izzie: There’s poop on her gown. Can I scrub in?Bailey: NO!

See me lying on the gurnee in the freezing-cold operating room. I look up at McSteamy and say,
Me: I want photos of my insides.
McDreamy: Photos.
Me: Yeah, photos. You’ll be doing the scope-thing-with-a-camera; the least I can get out of this is some pictures.
Meredith: Izzy, aren’t you glad she didn’t eat any muffins? She would have aspirated on them.
Enter Dr. McSteamy, plastic surgeon.
McSteamy: Someone need a nose job?
Me: No, an appendectomy.
McSteamy: that is one big honker you got there. Sure would look better with plastic surgery.
Enter Callie. (For no reason but because I like her and it’s my story.)

Scene Six: Recovery
Cut to me laughing and I’m talking to some nurse in the recovery room. See me looking at my very-ugly-red-black wormlike appendix. See me having a good time.
See me realize I am awake and the surgery is over and it’s…..hey! It’s like 9 AM!
Me: What the hell happened?
McSteamy: I gave you a nose job.
Me: No way!
McSteamy: Just kidding. Too bad, though. You could use one.
McDreamy: I couldn’t find your appendix--A simple surgery took over three hours long because your appendix was somewhere hiding by a kidney. I had to open you up the “old fashioned” way, remove your intestines, plop them on your belly, dig around, cut the pup off and shove your intestines back in.
Meredith: He looks so handsome while shoving those intestines back in you.
McDreamy: Meredith, You snore.
Meredith: Derek, you have bad breath.
Me: Can I eat? I’m hungry.

Fade out.
The rest of the story will have to wait….til the next episode....