Little People and WWOD (What would Oprah Do?)
I am so worried about the wife, who is in LOVE with the "little people." What is up with that? She watched a "Little People, Big World" marathon on TV (TLC channel, in case you are not in the know) this weekend. It's like this weird, sick obsession. I mean, I'm all for the little people and I admit I've watched the show a time or two, but I don't want to watch hours and hours of little people on TV. (When did they start wanting to be called little people, anyway? I didn't get the memo on that. Did you know that it is very derogatory to call a little person a midget? I learned that during a Google Search. There is a big difference between a midget and a dwarf--pun not intended. It actually was rather amazing, but I digress...) What is the attraction for the wife? Does she aspire to be a little person? Does she want to give birth to a little person? Is her inner child a little people child? Does she understand the plight of the little people because she is rather short? Does she relate to the story of the little people? Or, is she just one weird puppy?

When not watching the Little People, the wife is watching Oprah--who, by the way, is the new Jesus (as announced by the wife this week during a viewing of the Oprah 20th Anniversary DVD collection). She's serious about the Jesus thing. Not in a sacreligous way, but in a good, she's-got-a-lot-of-money-and-can-afford-to-give-away-millions-Jesus-type of way. (I wonder what my friend who's two year old daughter seems to be the second coming of Jesus thinks about this whole Oprah as Jesus thing....Can there be two Jesus in one world at one time? If not, who should we put our money on?) The wife announced the Jesus thing while watching the DVD about Oprah's trip to South Africa. It was pretty amazing but I hadn't been inspired to ask, "what would Oprah do" or anything. I'm not sure what the wife's family would think of this, as they are very conservative, God-revering, God-fearing Christians. (I, by the way, am going to be a pagan. I've decided that sounds like a lot more fun that being Catholic or any other member of an organized religion and will freak people out. I heard that Jesus loved the pagans, didn't he? Besides, how can you go wrong running around loving trees and Mother Nature? I think a Solstice dance is in order. Bring on the Charmed ones!) The wife has seen Oprah three times--once for her "Favorite Things" show (no wonder she thinks Oprah is Jesus!) and twice with me--on the same day, no less. (No freebies for me, so I'm bitter. No wonder I want to be a pagan.)

Talking about all this has me thinking--if Oprah has the Little People on her show as guests, it will be orgasmic for the wife. Praise Grover if that is allowed to happen. WWOD? She'd sign up the Little People while they're hot and call it a day. Or, we could ask, "WWGD?" meaning, what would Gail do, as maybe Gail is telling Oprah what to do, and in turn Oprah is telling the Little People what to do. (Gail being Oprah's bestest friend in the whole universe--have you noticed that both of them wear matching diamond pinkie rings???? Hmmmm???? Let's start rumors! I don't wear matching pinkie diamond rings with my bestest friends...)

I am on the "Oprah Debt Diet." (Go to oprah.com for details.) Thanks a lot, Oprah. Now, I'm counting pennies and trying to explain why I don't have a saving account and why I have a balance on my charge card and why I spend so much money on the dogs and chocolate. I used to be able to drink Starbucks without guilt; now, I have to include it in my "latte factor" expenses and justify the purchase in the bigger picture. I keep trying to tell the wife that once I pay off my car (next February) and pay off my loan for building a new room on the house (next March), I will be rolling in cash--er, I mean paying off the charge card. Who's Oprah kidding, having a debt diet? Like she has any debt. It's the little people like me that have debt. (Wait--I'm not a little people--I mean peons like me.) WWOD? She'd go out and have a goddarned cappacino and forget about it. Hell, she'd send her driver out to get the cappacino and forget about it. Maybe she'd send Gail or Stedman. But, she won't be worrying about it on some debt diet.

I gotta go. I hear my pagan friends calling from Starbucks....