Two of Sixteen (aka #15): Jesus, Upside Down

Preface: Alas, the time of this blog has come and gone. Well, at least from the perspective of the Addiverse. I've decided to go out in style, featuring 16 blogs, representing 16 years of blogging. I've reworked posts to make the story fresh--I'm sad to say that some of the posts have NOT aged well. Sigh. 

I picked this particular blog not because it's a top post. I chose it because I forgot totally about it and the memory made me laugh. Here is my second of 16 favorites: #15... from 2006.

Our friends Master Reiki and Blue eyes are selling their home. As they are good old-fashioned recovering Catholics, they subscribe to the tenet that if you bury St. Joseph upside-down in your back yard, your house will sell. 

As I was also raised in the fine Catholic tradition, I am quite familiar with ol' St. Joe in the backyard house-selling technique. I am 100% in agreement with this. If I ever have to sell a house, St. Joe will be involved. No question. 

Blue Eyes call to ask if I have a St. Joseph's statue or if I could secure one for their for-sale home. I only have St. Francis hanging around outside, so I can't immediately help them, but promise to go on a "find St. Joseph" mission.

Question: Who came up with this idea? Did St. Joseph, while lying on his deathbed gasp, "Bury me upside down and your house you shall sell?"

Next thing I know, the wife and I are hanging out in religious stores. Now, that's a good time. Did you can get really fancy, rhinestone-flashing bible covers? Jesus on a clock? Jesus on a cup? Jesus on just about anything? It is really an experience...but, no St. Joseph is found. He's all sold out. Here I thought those non-Catholic Christians just aren't big on the religious statue but it turns out he is a hot item, so they truly are sold out. We go home, empty handed. (It was tempting to get Jesus-on-a-clock but in the end, he stayed at the store.)

While babbling to a co-worker about this dilemma, it was suggested I search on line to find St. Joe. Why this idea had not dawned on me, I do not know. You can find ANYTHING on line. Sure enough, I type in "ST. JOSEPH HOUSE SELLING" and all sorts of things pop up. I am drawn a site featuring "Our Father" as part of the website name. How can you go wrong with a site with Our Father in the link???!! What a GREAT name for a website. Baby Jesus, be with me!

Incredibly to me, you can buy a St. Joseph Statue on line for only $5.95. Wow! FIVE NINETY FIVE!!! I whip out that charge card and start typing. In only days, St. Joe will be ready for burying in their back yard. Three days. It will take three days. My thought is that in four days they will sell their house. Score!

In the meantime, the wife and I get a call from Master Reiki and Blue Eyes.... indicating that they too were unable to find a St. Joseph....

....so they decided to go with the "big guns," right "to the top." 

They purchased a Jesus statue and decided to bury HIM upside down in the back yard. 

Every thread of my recovering Catholic being shrieks in sheer terror. 

YOU CAN'T BURY JESUS IN YOUR BACK YARD! 
YOU CAN'T BURY JESUS UPSIDE DOWN!!!!
DEAR GOD! GET HIM OUT OF THERE!
I. AM. MORTIFIED! 

This is sacrilegious! I am truly freaked out. Burying St. Joseph is one thing; burying Jesus is another. I call them and leave a message begging them not to bury the Son of God statue and to instead wait three short days for the arrival of St. Joseph dude. They only have to wait three short days!

I call them back again, this time leaving a message from "God." As God, I alert them that the 11th commandment is "Thou shall not bury my Son upside down in the backyard" and that burying Jesus won't help them sell their house.....

They call back, laughing. Once they stop laughing at me, they tell me they have already buried the Big Guy's Son--upside down, in a baggie.

OH MY GOD! Jesus is in a BAGGIE in the ground and he's UPSIDE DOWN! 

I grab a paper bag to stop my hyperventilation..... I breathe into the bag, calming myself with thoughts of how St. Joseph will arrive at the Master Reiki-Blue Eyes household in just three short days. I will be able to sleep easier once I know he has arrived and they have unburied J.C. But, I can't stop fretting about how you don't bury Jesus anywhere on your property and you most certainly do not bury him upside down. This is the Son of God!!

I can't get buried Jesus off my mind. I have to try.....

I have to try and save Jesus. After all, hasn't he tried to save us? I know Jesus is buried in that baggie in their back yard and know it is my Recovering-Catholic duty to remove him from the ground.... I have to pull him from the ground and release him from his plastic prison.

Question: Is it "worse" to bury Jesus in a baggie or to STEAL Jesus in a baggie from someone's back yard?
 
It was decided. I would go on a "Saving Our Father's Son" mission. Three days after Jesus went upside down into the ground, I pack the garden spade and put my favorite Xena doll in a quart-sized Ziplock bag. 

My mission: save Jesus and replace him with Xena.  

I figure using Xena as a replacement is a good--great--idea until St. Joseph arrives on Monday, as she was crucified many a time during her six year run on TV--those darn Romans were always crucifying someone. She was always getting crucified by those Romans. Here's a photo of Xena for your viewing pleasure.

I think my timing perfect, seeing my mission would be three days since Master Reiki and Blue Eyes buried him--it is just like the Gospel! Jesus will "rise" after the third day. Rise from the ground, released from the plastic prison, free once again to save the masses. 

With Xena zip-locked into her baggie and the dogs in the backseat, I put my mission into action. 

I get to their house and don't see anyone around. Good! I leave the dogs in the car and head toward the mulched area in the backyard. Now, I figured it would be easy to see where they had buried the big J.C., but I am here to tell you, I don't see any moved mulch markings. I'm sneaking around but Lucy is barking and crying and howling so loudly, I'm sure even Jesus in that baggy can hear us.

I'm yelling at her, pointing my garden spade toward the car, walking around the mulch and yelling at her some more. No Jesus tell-tale signs, no nothing--just Lucy causing a commotion. I dig around here and there, but nothing. I decide to move a rock--maybe they put a rock on top of him so they wouldn't "lose" him or maybe because Jesus moved that rock three days after being crucified. Just as I move the rock I hear,  

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

It's not Jesus. It's not the dogs. It's not the neighbors. I am busted by Master Reiki. 

As I am holding a garden spade in one hand, a baggied Xena in the other and seeing as I am wandering on their property, it is easy to "guess" that I am there: I'm saving Jesus. There is nothing to say and certainly nowhere to hide. Master Reiki says, "My child, my child." We both burst into laughter and I confess my sin. I assure her that replacing Jesus with Xena is a huge sacrifice, almost a sacrificial lamb kind of thing. Xena is most revered. She is worthy of this mission. 

In the end, I promise Master Reiki I will leave Jesus alone until St. Joseph arrives on Monday. In return, she will replace Jesus--or, at least put St. Joseph next to him--when ol' St. Joe arrives. I'm not pleased that upside down Jesus will potentially be left in place but at least he won't be alone. 

She does NOT show me where Jesus is buried--probably a good thing, as we do not want to tempt me further. I get back in the car and drive off with Freckles, Lucy and the still-baggied Xena.....and without Jesus.

Well, without the buried Statue of Jesus. I'm sure the "real" JC remains my co-pilot.

Fast forward three days. St. Joseph arrives and is buried, upside down, just as the directions say. And, yes--they quickly sold their home. St. Joseph never fails! Did the house sell faster because Jesus was involved? I cannot confirm or deny. 

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This was in 2006. It is now 2021. To this day, I have NO idea if Jesus remains in place, in the baggie, upside down. I have no idea if he was removed once St. Joseph arrived or if they are both still buried there, both upside down... I don't know if St. Joseph is in a baggie or hanging out directly with the worms. If he's still there, I hope he's not in a baggie. I don't think the directions say anything about a baggie. I don't know what you're supposed to do with Joe once the house sells.....

This looking-back-at-blogs might turn out to be a very bad thing. You realize I am now going to Google what you do with buried St. Joseph once the house sells, right? 

And, you know I want to go and dig through their (previous) backyard, right? 

Baby Jesus, saved at Christmas 2021. Now THAT'S a Christmas present. I'll grab that Xena doll and put the dogs in the car.....

Baby Jesus and the wife best have bail money ready to go. 

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