This week, I noted a scheduling error: I had scheduled a colonoscopy AND a dentist appointment at the same time.
I'm guessing that most people would rather have a colonoscopy than a dentist appointment, but I love both so it was a more a matter of deciding which would be harder to reschedule. For the record, I rescheduled the dentist.
Let's talk about poop, shan't we? Specifically, my poop. Oh, how I love to talk about poop.
Despite my young age (cough, cough), I've already had two colonoscopies. I had my first one at age 40, as there is a family history of colon cancer. I had the second one at age 49. I am now on the "five year plan," as deemed appropriate by my medical doctor, not the Gastroenterology. The gastro-man said to come back in ten years, but my PCP said five. Since (if my math is correct) I'm at seven years, I am agreeable to being a few years "early." Besides, who am I to argue with someone who wants me to poop?
If you've ever had the pleasure of prepping for a colonoscopy, you know that it's not exactly the most enjoyable experience on the planet. First, there is the "no food" rule. I'm not one to go for a long duration of time without eating. There is no eating the day before the event. None. I'll suck down obscene amounts of liquid products but will have nothing of which can be chewed. I think this not eating part is--by far--the hardest part of the prep. I can handle the shooting shit and the garden hose, but the not eating--dear god, it's awful. Secondly, there is the "sore poop shoot" issue. All that shitting means a whole lot of wiping, which means a very sore bum. Even using soothing products doesn't stop the issue fully. If only I had a bidet..... Finally, there's the volume of liquid that must be sucked down. We're talking sports drinks by the vat. It took me five years to drink yellow Gatorade again after the last colonoscopy--that's how much I was tainted by the poop prep.
I am mortified to admit that prepping to have a garden hose shoved up your ass is quite satisfying, amazing and disgusting, all at the same time. It's the only time I'm not full of poop, which is a delightful feeling. Oh, to be free of all that shit. It's amazing because the stuff that comes out of you is unbelievable. I promise you there will be corn floating in the mess, even thought I haven't had corn for weeks. The volume of stuff that comes out is mind-boggling. And, it's disgusting because.... well, because.... things are flying out of your ass at breakneck speed and it's tough to keep aim under such circumstances. Again, a bidet would be genius.
Dang, I know I have a list somewhere that says what I'm not supposed to eat for several days before the procedure. I can't recall where I placed it. I suppose ice cream, dark chocolate and tortilla chips will be fine until the day of no food. I better go find that list.....
This time around, I'm going to need a "bathroom game plan." Seeing as the dogs don't like to be asleep when I'm awake, I'm going to have either poop like a ninja or keep them with me. I can't avoid flushing the toilet (gross) so they'll just have to be awake with every flush. Our previous dogs didn't give a shit if I was up shitting or not, so a bathroom game plan was not a concern.
As for the actual event, it's all good. I'd prefer not to have a colonoscopy but it's really not a big deal. I'll be awake for the procedure, just like I was the other two times. If someone is going to shove a garden hose up my ass, I want to be fully awake for it. Last time, a small child dressed like a cup cake was in the recovery room. That was blog-worthy in itself. No, I wasn't hallucinating. No, I wasn't high from a sedative. There really was a cupcake--AND a pirate--in the recovery area. It was Halloween, so they were trick or treating. Yes, that's right. Trick or treating in the recovery room. I don't know what kind of candy they were handing out but it must've been stellar. I'm hoping this time there are no guest visitors as I'm seeping gas escape from my innards.
I've scheduled myself to go to work in the afternoon. I figure I'll be empty and have nothing better to do besides eat and fart and make jokes. I can always do a teleconference if I'm too tired to go in. Actually, that's a funny story in itself.... I thought I was replying to my boss when sending an email about getting a colonoscopy but turns out I was replying to some guy I don't know who's holding the teleconference. Oops.
Tomorrow, I go buy my "prep" products. I know the cashier will know what's up. Perhaps I'll go through the self-pay line. I promise not to post photos of the actual event but I can't guarantee there won't be photos of before or after the event. BUT, if there is a cupcake sighting, I will post it immediately on Facebook.
You know, maybe I should secure a hotel room with a bidet....
....ah, hell there are no hotels in our town with a bidet. I can't exactly go out of town.....
....Maybe I can attach the garden hose to the bathtub spigot and make my own bidet....
.... that'd be better than a cupcake costume any day and definitely worth a post on social media...
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