Rocky Mountain Bye

Ladies and Gentlemen: It only took me 56 years, but I FINALLY got tossed out of a restaurant. 

I'm actually pleased about this development. After all, what is life if you are not deemed--at least once-- in need of being rudely removed from an eating establishment?

In case you think I was swinging naked from the ceiling fan, you are going to be very disappointed. I was eating dinner (well, trying to eat dinner) with seven other friends during vacation in the Rocky Mountains. Sober friends. 50+ year old friends. Boring friends. (No offense to friends in attendance but we are quite boring on the naughty-in-restaurant behaved scale.) On-vacation, laid-back friends. Food-loving, 20% tipping kind of friends.

I'm not sure how to fully capture the events which transpired during this most-lousy eating experience. You know it's not good when the best part of the meal is getting escorted out of the building.

Let's see... where to begin? Shall I start with the waiter who did not know the difference between brisket, chicken and pork sliders, this at a barbecue joint? Shall I focus on the wrong meals, served ridiculously "late" after watching other patrons get their food, eat and leave before we were served? Or, shall I talk about my gluten bun after telling the waiting three times--and, pointing it out on the menu to make sure he understood--only to be told by the owner that there is nothing gluten-free on the menu, followed by a "did anyone die?" condescending slap? Or, perhaps start with the hostess explaining how it's hard to hire good help and that our waiter doesn't understand English and really didn't have time to get training?

I have a photo of the menu, in case the owner cares to see it. Duh. It's your menu. Middle of the page. Smack dab in the middle of the page: "Gluten-free substitute $1.50."

I don't have a photo of the waiter. I do know where to get a photo of the owner, in case you want to see what an asshole looks like.

For the record, I spoke directly to the owner, hostess and waiter all at the same time, away from the crowd. I was friendly, polite and to the point. I talked to the waiter, who indicated he had no idea what gluten-free meant. I gently, encouragingly suggested he learn about this--pronto. I handed him his tip--yes, I still tipped him--with a final word or two about increasing his understanding. I then turned to the owner, who then rudely asked if anyone died and pointed out that I had been fed. He barked at me that there wasn't anything gluten-free on his menu. I didn't demand he go get a menu so I could show him. I was too stunned by this man's unprofessional behavior to do so.

It got ugly from there. My back was to a lot of it, sorry to say. I am really disappointed that none of us thought to videotape the nonsense that transpired from this point. It would have been gold to have this guy on video. Maybe then Yelp! would believe my review.

The owner got all puffed up, arms crossed, mouth spewing hateful ridiculousness. He growled the whole way out as he pushed us out the door. My mouth literally dropped open as I watched the scene unfold.

Oh, what I would pay to have this ass on film as he tossed eight middle-aged women out of the place. It had to look ridiculous.

I can't refer you to my Yelp! review, as I was deemed a "ranter" by their computer program. This means my review and my star rating of "1" is not included in the calculations or recommended reviews. I guess they don't want gluten-free people to know the owner doesn't care about such dribble. After all, no one died.

Ha! Trip Advisor printed my review, so at least there is a wee bit of satisfaction. Take that, asswipe. (This was my first negative review on Trip Advisor. It was tough to post because I stick with the positive experiences. Alas, I couldn't not say something about this adventure.)

In case you're Googling, yelping or open-dooring a place to eat when in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, make sure to AVOID patronizing STEAMBOAT SMOKEHOUSE. I don't need Yelp! to get the word out. I have my own blog and I can blog what I want to. Their food wasn't even good. It was okay. Why would you settle for just okay when there are plenty of other places to eat?

Here's a hint: If you use Yelp!, make sure to check out the "not recommended" reviews. That's where you'll find the ones that were deemed inappropriate by the computer system. My review is there, as are many reviews about the ridiculousness of this establishment. Whether it's the owner saying disgustingly rude things to locals to being treated like scum while trying to eat dinner to how others were thrown out by this guy, the information is there. Seriously. Take a gander.

This guy can report me for this blog or he can post hateful comments. Good. More attention for me! More proof the guy's an ass.

I should thank him. I mean, it took me over a half-century to get thrown out of a restaurant. He's the one that helped me achieve this status. It's almost a badge of honor at this point. So thank you, rude man. Thank you!

I'm sorry (cough cough) to say the remainder of our vacation was downright uneventful in the dining department. We had many delicious meals with nary an incident. The most exciting thing that happened after that meal-from-hell was the wife's case of altitude sickness. She didn't die from that, so I'm guessing the Smokehouse owner wouldn't care one rat's ass.

I love food. I love going to restaurants. I love new dining experiences. I love that I was thrown out of a restaurant. I love that I didn't die from a gluten-filled bun. I love that I never have to eat at that place again.

I love that I'm a vegetarian who can tell the difference between pork, beef and chicken and can read a menu. Hey, I bet there's a job open in Colorado........