Professing Finals

Boy, am I glad it is finally time for Final Exams. This adjunct professor thing is sucking up all my free time.

For the record, it is REALLY fun to be the creator of a college-level exam. I mean, seriously--I.am.writing.university.exams! I HAVE THE POWER! Oh, the power, the glory--how it goes to my head.

It's been super distracting to teach this semester. For instance, I didn't even notice I haven't done my laundry in awhile because I've been making presentations and researching exam questions. It wasn't until I could no longer squeeze dirty clothes into the hamper this afternoon that I realized I was neglecting this ever-important task. I didn't notice that I was negligent--again--about posting a blog. I haven't even watched each new Doctor Who episode more than one time. People, this educator gig is serious business.

I finally got to use my faculty I.D. card--at Chipotles, no less. Thanks to the wife, I learned that today is Teacher Appreciation Day at Chipotles, complete with free Burritos. Teachers must love Chipotles (or, more likely love free food), as the line was out the door. No kidding. Educators everywhere, as far as the eye can see, all proudly wearing their school identification tags.

I am sad to say that I was older than the majority of the people standing in that line. Dang. Alas, most of my teacher friends retire at age 57 or so, which means they would not be the ones standing in line for free burritos. They are at home enjoying retirement, not standing in line for free burritos. Well, I tell you what--that free burrito bowl kicked ass!

Speaking of advancing age... last night, a group of students in my class did a presentation on Aging and Death. This group, four freshmen, had lots to say about old people and dying. A few times, I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. Their view of old age was very telling. Oh, to be young and naive.

I think my favorite statement of the presentation was: "Old people pee a lot. They pee all the time." Spoken like a true 19 year old.

I challenged their belief that people my age and older basically break bones, fall down and pee. Thankfully, they didn't talk about old people and sex.

Why am I glad they didn't talk about that? Because that meant I got to talk about old people having sex. Yes! It was super-fun to watch students squirm when told "YOUR PARENTS ARE HAVING SEX!" Oh, the joy it did bring.

The group got an "A" for their effort, although I was a bit dismayed at how they view people of my age and older. Every once in awhile they would make a comment, look mortified, turn toward me and apologize.

"It is what it is," I told them, shrugging my shoulders and gently shaking my head. I waited until the end of their presentation--while they were playing "The Death March" and taking a bow--to loudly remind them that old people have sex.

That'll teach them to play the death march and talk about peeing.

No, I didn't have the heart to tell them that their grandparents were probably having sex, too. That might have killed those 19 year olds.

This semester, I had three women from China and three men from Saudi Arabia in my class. In an effort to be culturally diverse, I thought I'd put some comments in Chinese and Arabic on the final handout I provided. At first, I thought this was a great idea... but, in the long run, this made me very nervous--after all, I used Google Translate to say "thank you and best wishes" in what I hoped was their native language. I had no idea if what I posted was correct. I could have written "Your Arm Pits Smell Like Old People Pee" and I wouldn't have known it. As I handed them the printed pages, I asked meekly what it said. I am glad to report that they were tickled pink and all agreed that I had said what I hoped I had said....

....well, except for the one young women from China. Turns out she's from Japan and not China. She reads Japanese, not Chinese.

So, she didn't agree or disagree about what I wrote. She couldn't read it.

All semester. An entire semester and I thought she was from China. I can't tell you how many times I apologized. So much for my cultural competence. She said, "No worries," (that's a quote) but I was indeed shaken up. I mean, seriously! Turns out I am one self-absorbed, culturally-pathetic, culturally incompetent American. She appeared to get quite the laugh out of it. Me, not so much.

For the final exam, I think I'll include something in Japanese. Maybe something like, "Safe Travels. Thank you! I'm really sorry!" That might be a good way to make up for my horrible, embarrassing error.

...Well, that is unless Google Translate has a bad day. Then, I might be making things a whole lot worse. God help me it says something like, "Your old parents smell like pee and have sex while eating burrito bowls for teachers."

My cultural competence would be in the gutter....

...my clothes still dirty in the hamper...

...and my pee volume ever increasing....

...and my faculty I.D. revoked....

...and no more free burrito bowls for me.

Maybe I'll stick with good old English and leave it at that. As long as I don't fall done, break a bone and pee on myself.