The Apocalype Trunk

People may make fun of my car's "Apocalypse Trunk," but more times than not, it has served me--and them--well. I've always said that if the apocalypse comes, you should be with me, because we will survive due to the crap packed into my car's trunk. Me and the cockroaches, going forward in the darkest of times. God have mercy on the rest of your souls, especially those of you who made fun of the contents in my car's trunk.

What is in an "Apocalypse Trunk," you ask? I attest that my trunk's contents include everything from emergency rations to clean underwear. (Dirty underwear would be weird--dunno why I had to clarify that.) Oh, I have the normal stuff like toothbrush/toothpaste, batteries, tampons, shampoo, band-aids, a deck of cards (hey, we'll need something fun to do in the event of the Apocalypse), jumper cables, duct tape, pocket knife, a full change of clothes, a folding chair, maps, scissors. I even have some flip-flops for times it is raining and I don't want to get my good shoes wet. I like to think I am a girl scout extraordinaire. Compass in hand, map in pocket, hat on head, spare pair of glasses on cord--I'm ready to spring into action. I've helped many people, on many an occasion.

It may sound like my trunk is stuffed to the brim with survival gear, but it's not. There is plenty of room in there for groceries, a suitcase, workout gear, my briefcase, a picnic basket and a bunch of folding chairs. Well, not all at the same time but you get the idea. The photo semi-sorta illustrates what an Apocalypse Trunk looks like. (That's a Raiders/Packers outdoor rug lining the bottom of the trunk, thanks to Eldest Niece. I love that thing. I have it in there so I can see it every time I open my trunk, but more because I wanted to keep it safe from people at work, as they didn't show proper respect. They're just jealous.)

My car is nine years old, which isn't really old but it's old enough to keep me prepared. I do a lot of traveling, both near and far, so it's important that I think ahead. Having a blanket, towel and cell phone charge seem reasonable to keep around. Having a flashlight on hand is a good idea. Keeping an umbrella (or, two) in tow is common sense and doesn't take up that much room in my trunk. An extra pair of prescription glasses is a must, considering my ridiculously-poor eye sight (I'm not going anywhere without glasses).

The Apocalypse Trunk also includes some not-as-usual stuff like an Ethernet cord (always be ready to use technology), staple gun (for stapling or shooting, I suppose), sleeping bag (you know, the kind that weighs 6 ounces and looks like tin foil), bed bug suit (bed bugs will surely survive the Apocalypse), brand new dog leash and collar (even though we no longer have dogs--who knows when a stray dog will need rescuing?), para-cord bracelet (so many uses, so little room needed, hand warmers, bagged water, a fifth grade math practice book (why, I have no idea), Microsoft Excel books (perhaps to start a fire?) and even a pair of drum sticks.

Yes, drum sticks. Hey, one never knows when the opportunity to sit in with a famous band will surface. Or, maybe wood is needed to keep a small fire going when in need of warmth or boiling water. What if you have an itch on your back that you can't reach? Maybe a drumstick would come in handy to poke the eyes out of a bad guy.

Actually, those drum sticks came in mighty handy last week and it wasn't because I ran into a band who needed an emergency substitute percussionist. My nieces were camping at a state park near our abode and called to say (in a most round-about way) they were having trouble putting up their tent as they didn't have a hammer. Knowing that I had a hammer in my Apocalypse trunk (that's certainly not unusual) and knowing we were within five miles of their location, the wife and I drove to their campsite and provided the much-needed tool.

The hammer worked out swimmingly and soon they had the tent standing upright, the majority of stakes in place. Problem was, a few of the stakes had broken (most likely when they were trying to pound them into the ground using various implements) and thus they were one short to keep the right side of the large tent in place. You would think one stake wouldn't really matter, but in this case, it most certainly did. The wife and I problem-solved with the young ladies but we weren't able to get anything to work. That's when I realized.....

.....I opened my trunk and grabbed one of the drum sticks. I pounded that puppy into the ground and...

...wa-la! Tent stake!

Lest you think I'm kidding, here's a photo. Genius. Creative. Not exactly life-saving but definitely worthy of the task. It didn't matter that there was no hook at the top, as the stick was long enough to make that issue not matter. It didn't matter that the tent was a wee bit off the ground due to the set-up. That tent was going no where.

I'm sure seasoned campers in the area were mighty entertained (or, mortified--hard to say). Perhaps they were jealous of such creativity and improvisation.

I left the hammer, the other drum stick and the para-cord bracelet with them, just in case and for good luck. We didn't hear from them again, so they either had a great time without further issue or they are lost in the woods, wishing they had a drumstick and a para-cord with compass. Perhaps they found a band which needed a drummer and they had two drum sticks to spare.

So, if the days are getting dark and the election has you worried about your survival on the planet, come find me. Know that there are candy bars and bagged water waiting just for you. As long as you don't want to play the drums, it's all good.