Cabled

A certain decathlon man is transitioning from man to woman. Footballs are deflating. Ground hogs are waking up. People are selling their poop for money. Madonna's new album is almost done. Super Bowl Eve is upon us....

...but, the BIG news in the Addiverse is that the wife successfully negotiated a hostage situation. 

....with the cable company.

We are held hostage by a company who knows there is no true local competition. Rat bastards have us by the....um,...deflated balls. 

It's a game the wife plays every time our "contract" is up. The game goes like this: 

Get the bill. 

Shit on self. 

Call the cable company. 

Demand a better rate. 

Make threats. 

Negotiate rate. 

Watch cable, thank the gods that the Internet is still firing.

It's one of the dumbest games on the planet. Why on earth we pay ridiculous amounts of hard-earned money to watch TV is beyond me. Why it's cheaper to keep a land line than not makes no sense. Why I can't live without the Internet--and, they know this--is pathetic. (I could live without TV but not without the Internet. I feel them squeezing the wi-fi life out of me.)

I listen from the next room. God love her, she's become a professional at this: 

The wife, sternly: Bill, bill, bill, blah blah blah, customer for over 20 years, get rid of land line, get better rate or I'm cancelling. 

Cable minion: No land line = bigger bill. No better offer available. So sorry, Charlie.

The wife, no-nonsense-I'm-not-playing: Get me the retention specialist. 

Cable minion: Offers a ridiculous (and more expensive, of course) plan, complete with HBO and everything. Better than curing cancer!

The wife (who does not want nor need HBO): I WANT WHAT I HAVE AT A BETTER RATE.

(I can hear the ending of that sentence, of which she does not say aloud. I would not have been so kind.)

Cable minion: Oh, look! Surprise! I did find a better rate! Better rate, two years. 

The wife; accept offer, lock in, keep land line, hang up, disgusted but triumphant. 

What a waste of time and brain cells. Seriously, it's worse than buying a car. Actually, buying a car is easier because you can walk out. 

I'd make a crack about how we can watch the Super Bowl without issue now that cable is secured for the next two years, but it's still too soon to make such a remark. Remember: football is dead in our house. Instead, I'll express my gratitude that I can play games and read books on my cell phone using our home's wi-fi. 

Don't even get me started about cell phone companies. There is a special place in hell for them, too.

We could (1) give up our cable and live like we're in the 1970's; or, (2) threaten to go to satellite. I lived in the 1970's and am in no mood to go back to the world of antennas, phones on cords and no Weather Channel. I'm certainly not ready for a leap to space, boldly going where no cable company has gone before. We could get the Internet via our land line but friends who do this have nothing but complaints. We could try to sponge off our neighbors' wi-fi so we could use our gadgets without using cellular data but they all seem to have their wi-fi secured. 

Side note: I really like the names the neighbors have given their routers. I want to meet these people. Like, which one of you named their router THE TARDIS? I must meet you. I need to re-name our router. Suggestions welcome.

Thanks to successful negotiation of the cable hostage situation, we'll watch non-reality-reality TV all weekend. We'll use our wi-fi to fire up our tablets and computers and phones. I'll watch Netflix and the Weather Channel while the wife shops on-line. I'll pay bills on-line and she'll grade papers via her school's portal. We'll get telemarketer and scam calls on our land line. I'll post this blog....

....but, we won't be watching the Super Bowl. There's a better chance Freckles will whelp puppies before we'd watch this year's Super Bowl. 

Considering Freckles is spayed and 14.5 years old, I think the odds are pretty clear about deflated balls being seen anywhere near our house. The wife can take on the cable company but she can't take on the lack of green and gold. Too soon, too painful. 

I'm gonna focus on renaming the router during the Super Bowl. The wife will be in a self-induced carbohydrate coma so she's not conscious during the game.

Let me know how the commercials are. 

*************************************************************