Oh no you didn't

During recent dinner conversation with two friends, one of them mentioned a radio interview in regards what not to talk about during a dinner party. After determining this was NOT her polite ways of saying she wished I'd stop talking about various things, we hooted and hollered about what the list actually included. Our dinner companion couldn't remember all of the interview details or the interviewee's name but remembered just enough to know that the list lady found dull and self-indulgent behavior inappropriate for the dinner party. This concerned me, as I'm mundane, gauche, inappropriate and self-indulgent every day of my life. 

My take on inappropriate, gauche dinner discussion is either embrace it....or, get new friends!! Why not talk about subjects that are deemed not appropriate as subject matter for ANY conversation? What if none of us talked about poop? How would we know what was good or bad, normal or not, terrifying or mundane? What if there is corn in your poop? Don't you want to tell someone? I want to tell someone, especially if I haven't eaten corn in months. What if you made the perfect morning swirly? If you can't take a camera phone photo (to post on Facebook, of course), at least tell someone. What if you poop and when you look down there is nothing there? I always want to hear a good "ghost poop" story.

Here's a semi-sorta list of topics of which not to speak when at a dinner gathering, along with my thoughts about said list. It does not include all the topics off-topic but you get the idea. By the time you are done reading, I KNOW you will want to invite me to all your parties.

Apologies to the list lady and the broadcasting radio station. I have no idea about either topic, I think I won't talk about not knowing any of this as not knowing this sounds like something off-topic for a dinner party. Whoever she is, I bet her facebook status updates are REALLY boring....nothing like this: 

As I am here to educate readers and save all from certain embarrassment at the next dinner party, I suggest you ignore this list lady and listen to me.

Sleep: What's wrong with talking about a bad night's sleep? Or, a really good night's sleep? It is important to know if someone slept well or not. First of all, it might explain those giant black bags under their eyes. Secondly, maybe you know a good drug or liquor that will help people sleep. What if someone needs a new mattress? Maybe you are an expert on that "number" mattress. Maybe you are looking to sell your bed frame. Perhaps you have information on bed bugs--everyone needs to know about bed bugs. The only time I don't speak about sleeping is when one of the dinner guests is sleeping. No need to talk about anything to someone who is sleeping. I find it a whole lot worse to be sleeping at the dinner party than talking about your bad night's sleep due to unrelenting hot flashes. 

Dreams: Oh, to have everyone talk about dreams. As a therapist, I wish everyone would talk about their dreams so I could secretly diagnose them...Crazy or not so crazy? I'll be the judge of that.

Diets: If we're inviting you over (which will almost never happen for dinner as we don't cook unless forced at gunpoint) or going to dinner with you, it is important I know if the guests are lacto-intolerant, gluten-free, paleo-tonic, kosher, semi-kosher, pretend-to-be kosher, vegan, peanut-restricted, raw-diet-only and/or diabetic-laden persons. What if they don't like chocolate? If I talk about it and they disclose they don't like or eat chocolate, I will know to un-invite them. As for talking about weight loss or other non-dinner-party-invitation-diet topics, I say we honor such discussion. I want to know if someone found the secret to youth via a nutri-blended concoction which includes berries from a third-world country, is currently in the bulimic stage of their eating disorder or knows how to include ice cream at every meal.

Also, I find it imperative that all dinner guests recognize the importance of NOT putting ketchup on their hot dogs. As one who was raised in the land of no ketchup, I daresay this is VERY important dinner conversation. And, for god's sake, get rid of that stupid brown mustard. Although not half as gauche as ketchup on a hot dog, brown mustard is wrong. If you are in Illinois, you eat yellow mustard. If you are a Cheesehead living in Illinois, you eat yellow mustard or you go back to north of the Cheddar Curtain Yellow mustard, not ketchup. Take that, dinner list lady.

Health: Okay, you know where I stand on this one. EVERYONE should share stories about their first colonoscopy. Everyone. Issues/questions/concerns/ideas/stories about poop and general health conditions must be honored, especially if the conversation is held by persons over the age of 45. Photos of procedures are encouraged. What fun is this lady making this list? She must be a really boring attendee at dinner parties. If Oprah can talk about her "va-jay-jay" on national TV, we can talk about our bunions.

Periods: Why on earth was this lady thinking about her period? Probably because she was having hers. I vote we talk about menstruation, peri-menopause and menopause at any given moment, provided squeamish men are in attendance and/or a hot flash is in progress.

Money: I suppose it is best not to talk about money, religion or politics but that really leaves topics like bad TV sit-coms and your favorite car wax to contemplate. I say, If you have it, flaunt it. If you don't, get some. If you have money to share, share it with me because I'm willing to talk about it. So not gauche.

Routes: The list lady finds that talking about the route you took to the dinner party to be inappropriate fodder for the party. Why would that be? It's the perfect ice breaker. Other guests might have endured the same construction, detour, blinding weather. They might have experienced the loss of GPS signal, just like you, leaving them terrified. What if you are a rich and famous star who had trouble finding the party? I'd love to hear about that. You put your pants on one leg at a time, just like me. Who doesn't want to know someone rich and famous got lost along the way to your gauche dinner party? I'd like it even better if a map or a photo of the GPS-induced route is included as part of the discussion. If you have an actual map (you know, old school Rand-McNally map), I will probably ask your hand in marriage, as there is nothing better than a "real" map.  Nothing.

If I had it my way, all dinner parties would include discussion about chocolate, bodily functions, Netflix shows and mystery hair sprouting as time goes on. I would encourage talking about the next meal while eating the current meal. I would encourage anything that makes people laugh, cry, argue. I would love to talk about the pros & cons of Madonna going on another world tour. As long as they keep eating and have a great time, who cares what they are talking about? 

My final thoughts are this: We live in America, home of the proud, free and brave. We have freedom of speech, so speak of what you will at dinner parties, no matter the location, no matter the meal. Whether you are in a progressive city or a backwater swamp, speak as you will. 

Of course, if you are in doubt about this, just remember: