Convertulations

Now that the conversion has been completed, I thought I'd share the play-by-play. I dedicate this to anyone who is feeling left out. We had no idea anyone would think twice about this conversion. You didn't miss anything. I swear.

Monday, June 2nd rolled around. I went to work as usual and the wife stayed home to lounge around in her pajamas and fuzzy pink slippers.

Maybe not. I did go to work but the wife does not lounge nor does she own pink slippers. The wife is never one to lounge. I can't even picture her lounging.

Monday, June 2nd rolls=ed around. It was the first weekday that conversions of civil unions can be converted into marriage within the great state of Illinois. The wife and I have yet to decide when we are going to get converted. The wife decided to spend the day cleaning the gutters and I go to work.

While I'm sitting at my desk (and the wife is on a ladder at home, pulling disgusting chunks of unidentified wild life out of the gutters), I began to get antsy. I can't stop thinking about getting married. I'm wondering why we didn't pick a date. I'm wondering why I thought not going today was a good idea. I'm wondering when we are going to go. I'm wondering why we can go at this very moment.

Monday, June 2nd rolled around and I can't work because I'm too busy thinking about getting converted. The more I think about it, the more antsy I get. How the heck am I suppose to listen to people talk about their woes when all I can think of is getting converted?

I decide to go home for lunch; after all, I have to eat some time and I have to make sure the wife hasn't tumbled off the ladder. I zip through the fourteen minute drive and return home to find the wife standing on a ladder, still cleaning the gutters.

It's a big project.

I want to tell her, not ask, about conversion....which is not a good idea--one should ask, not tell, when it comes to converting....but, you know how I roll. I stare at her, smiling. I am a nervous wreck because I can't stand waiting one more minute. She's on the ladder wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Monday, June 2nd rolled around and I wanted to get converted. I don't want to wait. I'm not sure I can wait. After all, I NEVER thought I'd see the chance for conversion in my lifetime. Never. Why am I going to wait for something like this? What is wrong with right now?

I ask her if she will go get converted. She asks if she can change her clothes. I say "no." Who cares what we're wearing? She protests--after all, she's been cleaning gutters all morning and it's a billion degrees out by now. She's wearing a gutter-blobbed, sweaty t-shirt and some shorts. The wife points this out. I tell her I don't care, as this is the real us. No one is going to see us or take our photo or write an article about our wardrobe choices for the conversion.

I do not give her time to change her clothes.

I drive us to the county clerk's office. There is no one else around--no line of gay people trying to convert, no line of protesters, no line of photographers. We were even able to get a parking space right in front of the door. We enter the building and stare at one of the people behind the desk.

Clerk Minion: "Can I help you?"

Me: "We're here to convert our civil union to marriage."

Clerk Minion: "Are you Maria?"

Me: [confused look]. "Um, no."

Clerk Minion: "Maria?"

Me: "Huh?"

Clerk Minion [looks at wife]: "Are you Maria? The 1:30 appointment?"

The wife: shakes her head in a "no" fashion.

Clerk Minion: "what time is your appointment?"

Me: [internal panic. Appointment? What appointment? Dang it! I called Friday! That's it--I will tell her I called on Friday because I did.] "I called on Friday. They said we didn't need an appointment to convert our civil union in to a marriage."

Two other clerk minions stop working and look up at the three of us. I can tell they are watching to see what our personal clerk minion is going to do. They aren't smiling--they are staring, serious looks etched across their desk-tied beings.

I can tell the Clerk Minion is annoyed but I can't tell if it is because we don't have an appointment or because neither one of us is Maria. (For the record, Maria is late. It's 1:40 PM and her appointment was 1:30 PM. Screw Maria. I can be Maria if that will help.)

I figure she is going to send us on her way.

Clerk Minion: "So, you want to convert your civil union to a marriage. Is that right?"

Me: Yes!

I sense the Clerk Minion is experiencing an internal war--should she help us or tell us to come back? Her peers are still watching.

Clerk Minion: "We're booked through the entire week."

Me: [heart sinks but I refuse to give in that easily. I put our license on the counter.] "I have our civil union license, if that will help."

The skies part, the baby Jesus swoops down upon us and the Clerk Minion decides she will do this. She will convert us, appointment be damned. Thank you, Maria for missing your appointment!

The Clerk Minion looks at civil union license, starts to confirm the information in the computer, starts entering some data, talking aloud the entire way. She's giggling as she reviews this and that. We can't tell if she's laughing because she's nervous, because she's never done this before, if she's enjoying the process, if someone is tickling her from under the counter, if she's been drinking or if she's happy someone is converted.

Clerk Minion: "Let's see--you want to keep your civil union date, right?"

Me: "Right!"

Clerk Minion: [still talking to self, aloud] "June 21, 2012. Okay..."

Me: "Um, 2011."

Clerk Minion looks up, puzzled.

Me: "Our civil union was in 2011."

Clerk Minion:  [looks at me, then looks at the computer screen. She is laughing even more now.] "Thank goodness I'm talking out loud! Let me see if I have the right people!"

Clerk minion realizes she is entering the wrong date. With a few clicks on the keyboard, we are transported to 2011.

She hits the "print" button and wa-la. We are now converted.

She hands us the license, which looks identical to the civil union license except for "civil union" has been replaced with the word "marriage." That's it. That is the only change. Our marriage date is the same as our civil union date.

Although we are standing in front of the Clerk minion on June 2, 2014, we are magically married as of June 21, 2011.

No fanfare. No filling out of forms. No cost. No throwing of rice. No need for a witness. Clerk Minion didn't even look at our driver's licenses. This is the actual license--we don't even have to wait for the thing to arrive in the mail. It's right here, in my hands.

I thank her for allowing us to convert without an appointment. She's still giggling.

The wife high five and return home. I decide to take four hours of vacation time so I don't have to work for the rest of the day and the wife returns to cleaning the gutters. We are so romantic, don't you think?

We decide to do what the rest of the world now does to announce the big things in life: We change our status on Facebook.

I'm not kidding.

That's how the real world works these days. Relationship status is not real until it's been posted on Facebook.

We hadn't told a soul about doing this on this day because we hadn't planned on doing it on this day. We hadn't picked a date at all. We hadn't told anyone anything because there was nothing to tell. The wife was cleaning the gutters and I was at work, for Pete's sake. Besides, are we really going to call everyone and say, "Hi, we're getting converted today?" No. We are not going to do this, for many reasons.

The comments and "likes" started flying in. It was magical and very confirming.  This conversion thing is going well. I start to think it's rather pathetic that we are using Facebook to announce such a monumental event but it is a great way to alert the masses. Who has time for calls and texts when there is Facebook?

Hell, even cheerleaders from high school are giving us the hive fives of Facebook. Thank you, allies. We would not be converted if it weren't for people like you.

Suffice it to say some people do not "like" or comment on the relationship status change post. The wife is very saddened to see a particular someone (who shall remain anonymous) has not acknowledged the status change. Volumes is "said" by this. It is not a surprise but it still hurts the wife, nonetheless. We talk about how some people will NOT be happy to hear we are married, as they are opposed to gay marriage. It's ruining the sanctity of their marriage. The person who has not commented would not be in favor of our conversion, so it is telling, this silence of hers.

We decide to ignore her and savor the hundreds of "likes" our relationship status has received in such a short amount of time.  We can't let one or two people poop on our conversion.

Side note: For the record, I did text my parents. There are some people who deserve respect--a text instead of finding out on Facebook.

I know--I'm pathetic.

Side side note: my mother is quite hilarious, as evidenced by her text.

Side side side note: No 52 year old should ever publicly announce the ability of producing a child technically still exists. What can I say? I'm gifted in the egg production department.

Monday, June 2nd rolled around. It's the most important day of our lives that doesn't really exist. Nowhere on our new license does it say June 2, 2014. Nowhere on any legal documents does it say June 2, 2014. This day doesn't really exist as anything in our lives except that it is the most important day. We can't "prove" that we had this conversion on June 2nd, 2014. We can only "prove" we were married on June 21, 2011. We weren't married on June 21, 2011 but now we are. How weird is that? How do I 'prove" to insurance companies that this qualifying event happened on June 2, 2014? I can't. Not really. I'm not sure even the county clerk can prove it. I was there, the wife was there, the clerk minion was there. My four hours of vacation time are documented but how do they know I was getting converted on June 2, 2014? For all they know, I was cleaning gutters with the wife.

I guess I'll have to show the insurance companies my Facebook page. After all, everything is official once it has been confirmed on Facebook.
********************************************************************