Gaga for Green Gaga Acres

Praise the baby Jesus! I am FINALLY going to be able to blog about things not related to dog poop or back pain.  I'll get to the wife's surgery in a minute--first, I have to talk about being back on the farm.

I walked away from Book de la Face's farm many a month ago. I was wasting too much time worrying about fake produce on a fake farm.  Then, I heard Lady Gaga had developed a time-limited Gaga-ville for her little monsters. I had to go back.  I couldn't ignore the call from Mother Monster.

Let it be known that I am NOT excited about getting sucked back in.  I'm already thinking about how my chrome daisies need to be harvested in only a few hours.  It consumes me. It distracts me.  It haunts me. But, I had to do it! How could I pass up the chance to visit Green Gaga Acres?  I couldn't.  Besides, it is a great way to get a daily preview of the songs on her new album (to be released on May 23rd...and yes, I have pre-ordered it).  You have to do a few tasks on the farm to unlock access to the new song.  Buy a sheep, visit Gaga-ville.....and, wa-la!  Free preview of music, as illustrated here:

Paws up, little monsters! Gaga-ville is calling you. (That's me, on the farm.  Don't I look cute? I'm loving me some purple overalls. I'm growing Gaga Crystals.  I hope that's not illegal.)

As for the wife (who probably should get top billing over a fake farm related to a pop star), she had her back surgery yesterday.  Yes, it was finally time for that naughty ruptured disk to leave her spinal cord alone. It sure took a long time to get to that day...and, I'm not the one who was in pain.  We got up at 4 A.M., made ourselves all fresh and pretty, made sure the dogs pooped and we were out the door.  Before she knew it, the wife was in a hospital bed and people were poking and prodding her.

I am here to tell you that the surgery is just short of a miracle.  If you are told you need a micro-disc-ectomy, you should say, "yes, please!" Perhaps you should say, "yes, please--I'll have two."

The wife's family must have fired up the bionic prayer chain, as the surgery (and the whole experience, actually) went amazingly well.  The procedure started ahead of schedule, which I found to be a big bonus--how often is anything related to the medical field early or even on time? The wife unfortunately did not profess her love for me this time as they wheeled her off for surgery--they didn't give her those super-awesome drugs they loaded her up with prior to her last surgery, so she was pretty reserved and tame.  After they wheeled her away, I went to the waiting room, thinking I'd have oodles of time to figure out her iPod Touch and to eat lots of naughty snacks I brought along for the wait, but I didn't even have much time to settle in, as the surgery took less than an hour. Stunned, I went to the consultation room and waited for the surgeon. A man of few words and of a greatly constricted emotion, he smiled, said the surgery went just as planned. He indicated the rupture was "impressive" and "huge."  He thought the wife would be quite pleased with the results and said she could go home when she was ready. I thanked him, gave a quick, silent shout of gratitude to the Baby Jesus and went on a mission to find her.

I literally ran right into the wife's gurney as they rolled her by.  I got to join the journey as they zipped her down the halls.....I thought she'd be puking all over them as they made wild turns, bumped into walls & put her on an elevator but she looked perfectly fine.  They rolled her in to a room and left her with a menu....a general diet menu, none of that wimpy broth/jello/baby food nonsense. Quite to my complete surprise, she started talking about lunch.  This from the girl who was projectile vomiting on the nursing staff after her last surgery, asking to order lunch.   Thanks to the anesthesiologist and three types of anti-nausea medication, she experienced no nausea and was eating a full lunch by 11:30 AM, dipping delightfully- fried chicken strips in tangy barbecue sauce--what a woman.

Within hours of the micro-disc-ectomy surgery, the wife was able to stand up straight, feel her legs and actually sit in a chair. Now, you might be thinking those are not really big things....but, when you (and the surgeon) are not sure you will ever be able to feel your toes again, you have not stood up straight for four months and you haven't been able to sit in a chair without leaning to one side for just as long, these are pretty big things.  It's also a pretty big thing when you are asking for a snack at 2:30 PM when you just ate lunch two hours ago and for the past many weeks you haven't been eating much at all because the pain was so intense it crushed your appetite.

Bring on the snack foods, the wife is back on track!


Then, the true miracle happened: the wife smiled.  It was the first time I've seen a genuine smile on her face in weeks--maybe months.  Not a grimace or a forced smile or an "I wish I could smile but I can't;" it was a smile from the inside.  I wanted to cry. I wanted to go find the surgeon and give him a big, wet kiss. I wanted to go find the wife's favorite little nun......

I am happy to report the wife did indeed get to visit with Sister-Little (and I do mean little--she can't be much over 4 feet tall), so it was a banner day. We were ordering lunch when the white-habit-clad, 150 year old bride of Jesus slipped quietly into the room. The wife and the sister yipped like they were old friends. I am sorry to say I did not get any photos of the surgery or of the wife with the nun.  You can't have everything.

At 3 PM, the neurosurgeon stopped in to check on his patient. For a guy with a reputation of having a horrible bedside manner and for basically being a pompous ass, he was pleasant, smiling and was very approachable.  He seemed tickled pink by the results of surgery and was pleased to see the wife so motivated to go home.  He even laughed at one point.  (Laughed! No one is ever going to believe us.)  When the wife heard the words she could be discharged, I swear she hopped out of that bed, proved she could pee and walk, got dressed and was calling for a wheelchair. By 4 PM, she was home and in bed for a nap....after a snack, of course.

So, the wife is at home, wandering around asking what she can and cannot do.  I was hoping she would be a little less mobile so she couldn't see that I was back on the farm. I feel many a lecture from me so she takes it easy.  I know she really, really wants to follow the healing rules, but it is going to be very hard for this stoic workaholic.  She is going to require much redirection and interference....

.....that's probably good, because it will give me something on which to focus besides harvesting chrome daisies and unlocking new Gaga songs....

....I feel many a lecture coming from the wife to get off the dang farm, which is good because it will give her something to be frustrated about besides her slow recovery process.

Is it time for a snack yet?