Doin' the Jesus Jive

I know this blog entry has the potential to greatly offend some of my "saved-again" Christian readers. I will also offend all of you who have attended and loved Christian Bible Camp in high school, as I'm sure you Jived for Jesus at such an event. I apologize in advance for this. Please pray for me. Pray also for those who had the audacity to Jesus Jive on my time.

Be honest: How many of you have done the Jesus Jive?

I am Jesus-Jive-free but I know there are some of you out there who have done the Jive for Jesus. I see you. Don't try to hide....

What is this all about and what the hell is the Jesus Jive, you ask?

It's about that thing of which I do not speak. If I did speak of the thing that I do not speak, I would tell you I SNAPPED the other day at work when I discovered the Jesus Jive was goin' on.

I can put up with a lot. I can live through the Bible-gifts and the singing of "What a Friend We have in Jesus." I can put up with the hand-written notes asking if I've been saved (got one of those last week). I can put up with the little fundamentalist Christian trinkets left on my desk. I have gotten over my anger in regards to being seen as a "moral issue" at work. I can ignore the "If You're Blessed and You know it, Clap your Hands" going on in the room next to my office....

....but, the Jesus Jive?

SNAP!

I.CANNOT.TAKE.THE.JESUS.JIVE.

No. No. NO! Jiving for Jesus is my absolute limit, the last straw. STOP THE MADNESS!

(For those of you who do not know my sad tale of religious harassment, suffice it to say, "no, I do not work at a church. No, I do not work at a faith-funded entity. ")

If I did speak of my work, I would tell you I walked in and saw the printed directions to doing the Jesus Jive hanging on the wall. It caught my eye because it was printed on hot pink card-stock paper. It was almost like Jesus reached out and yelled, "HEY! I'M OVER HERE AND I'M JIVING!" The minute I saw it, it happened--I snapped. I think I may have lost consciousness for a few seconds. I know the little veins in my temples popped out so far they touched my shoulders. I know I was filled with vile and that I had a little spittle hanging off my face. I was no longer sane.

I think my head might have spun around like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist."

I walked down the hall and barked out, "TELL ME YOU ARE NOT DOING THE JESUS JIVE!"

If I were to speak of my work, which I do not do, I would tell you I scared the piss out of my employee. I would also tell you she eked out some ridiculous babbling about the J.J. She then meekly asked how I knew of this; I assured her the stupid directions were hanging on the wall. If I spoke of work, I would tell you that I basically threatened to shove those directions up her ass and that I made it quite clear NO ONE on my clock would be Jiving anything for the big J.C.

If they like to get a paycheck, they best figure out they are there to jive their sorry asses for ME.

Since then, I have found much humor in the Jesus Jive (or, Jiving for Jesus, depending on how you look at it). I also have had time to regret not getting a copy of the Jesus Jive, as it would have been awesome to post here. (It's not like I can go back and ask for the words.) If I spoke of work, I would tell you that I have spoken to HR because Jesus Jiving is just too much. There is nothing wrong with Jiving for Jesus--it's just not appropriate at work.

I'm pretty sure no one near me at work will be doing the J.C. Jive any time soon.....the hokey pokey or the Chicken Dance, maybe. The J.C. Jive, not so much.

One, two, three-four-five, your boss says there's no Jesus Jive.

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