Dear Brett Favre,

STOP IT!

STOP. IT.

SHUT UP
SHUT UP
SHUT UP!
STOP.

TALKING.

STOP IT!

See that photo above? That's a photo of the wife turning her back on you. She is SO disappointed. She's still walking around saying things like, "I thought he was different." But, you are not. You are just like every other athlete. Out for yourself and blaming everyone else. YOU ARE A SELFISH PIG!

SHE IS TURNING HER BACK ON YOU!

The wife is sick and tired of listening to you on TV. She just turns the channel now. If I didn't know better, I'd think that was your jersey she was spitting on last night.........

And now, for something completely different, disgusting in an entirely different manner.....

As avid readers know, I recently completed my 16 hour food sanitation class.
(Side note: If you were wondering, I was the first one done with the test. I hate being first. It's always been like that. I either know the answer or I don't--no sense in wasting any time fretting about it. It's embarrassing to be the first one up to leave. I'm sure everyone else is mortified when I am done so fast. Sorry.)

I learned all sorts of disgusting things that make me never want to go out to eat again. I will never again open a cardboard box in the house--I'll open them outside so the cockroaches and eggs can stay outside instead of in my house; I will never again step on a cockroach, lest I bring cockroach eggs in on my shoe; I will never open a can again without wiping it off, lest I ingest mouse poop remnants; I'll never be able to eat the bread in the basket at a restaurant. I probably will never eat a restaurant-made baked potato again.

I'm thinking of eating only Twinkies and Dove Dark Chocolate for the rest of my life.

Then came the houseflies.

The teacher had much to say about flies, none of which I REALLY wanted to know....which means I am COMPELLED to share the information with YOU.

I suppose if you've seen the movie "The Fly," none of this will come as a surprise to you. (I liked the original movie instead of the Jeff Goldblum remake. No offense to Jeff--I'm just old school.)

Here are some tasty tidbits to think about the next time you see a fly flitting around the potato salad at your next picnic:

• Flies have to vomit on your food before they can eat it. The teacher called it "regurgitated liquid and salivary juice," but what it really means is that they puke on your food so they can eat it.
• Worse, flies defecate while eating....meaning, they poop on your food as well as puke on it.
• Flies can lay 150 eggs in a day.
• That means 150 maggots.
  
• Maggots don't like light, so if they are hanging around your food, they burrow into it.
• Maggots can travel 5o YARDS. That's half a football field for you ex-Brett Favre fans. Can you even imagine seeing a maggot traveling down the sidewalk or down your slice of watermelon???!!!

She didn't have anything to say about Japanese Beetles, but I'm sure they aren't good to have in or on your food, either.

Now that I'm done with class, I am a wealth of knowledge. The wife asked me last night, "Are you going to keep talking about food like this?" I guess it is a bit aggravating when trying to find something to eat and I'm spewing data about the possible food-borne illnesses lurking everywhere. I'm sure I'll get over it but until then I'll be making comments regarding the danger of foods and the wife will be making comments about the dangers of Brett Favre stepping in to the State of Wisconsin.

No doubt, one day I'll reach into the restaurant's bread basket, accidentally eating a piece of the surely-recycled bread and the wife will cheer when Brett makes a good play, accidentally showing a surprise spurt of support....and all will be good in the world.....

....Until then it's fly puke and Packer angst. God help you all.