The Weekly Reader

Friday, MJagger's 2.5 year old daughter walks up to me, enthralled by something or other. She's got this innocent, awed look on her face as she slowly approaches me. In this teeny-weeny-tiny-little-shy voice she squeaks slowly and clearly:

"You...

.....have...

....a BIG nose."

At least she didn't try to honk it.

On the home front, the wife has purchased a boatload of leather furniture for the hosue. Why, I am not sure, but she has always wanted some leather furniture so she went out and got some. It was delivered today.

Pre-leather-delivery, we had to move the existing furniture from the living room, out the front door and into the garage. This activity is fodder for the neighbors, as the wife and I spend many a moment arguing, screaming, swearing and barking during such activities. (The neighbors' interest has been piqued since we moved that 1980's black laquer bedroom set out the front door and into the garage. They are all probably peeking out their windows wondering what the hell is going on.) Thankfully, there was only a little bit of screaming and yelling as the sofa fit through the door on the first time and without many skinned knuckles. I told the wife she is a "barker," as she barks out orders when engaged in such activities. I like to focus on swearing.

Our "biggest" home improvement fighting revolved around installation of three ceiling fans on the same day. What WERE we thinking?

By the way, there will be another opportunity for screaming at each other, as we are painting a room together today. That is never a good thing but the room will look fabulous by the time its done tonight.

The leather is dark blue and is very beautiful, I must admit. I will be looking for a new place to live if the dogs decided to "dig in" to the new furniture--they like to dig a place to sleep--dig, dig, turn, turn, turn, dig, dig, turn, plop. You know how dogs do that. Well, if they DO end up doing that, the dogs and I will be sitting on the sofa that is now in the garage.

The only other problem is that we need a "pillow intervention." This sounds like a job for Keith Bischon, so I hope she is paying attention and can save the wife from boring pillow purchasing. We need some pillows for the couch and I don't want three boring, same ol' same-same pillows. I want something splashy and colorful and fun. The wife wants something that matches the sofa and walls. Sigh. We looked at Target (always start cheap), Kohl's and then Pier One (which I try to avoid like the plague). At least the Pier had some fun pillows but nothing that we both liked. Keith Bischon, please help us!

One of my favorite things in the world is the "Darwin Awards." If you don't know what that is, shame on you. Here are the 2007 Winners:

Winner: When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Honorable Mentions:

***The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

***A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

***After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

***An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

***A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

***Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

***As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

***The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.******

***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that theman admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Finally, here's a diddy I got via email from Little Debbie Sneezeclumper....

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to yoursystem. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Don't you feel better already? Me and my big nose do. Happy weekend!