How I spent my Summer Vacation, Part I (Days 1-3)

Good day, esteemed blog readers. I am on my ten day vacation and thus will chronicle my adventures in the land of leisure. I know you’re just about to pee on yourself because you’re so excited. I’m having ice cream for breakfast as I write this blog because I CAN have ice cream for breakfast while on vacation.

Day One went swimmingly, complete with an Indigo Girls concert (not exactly Madonna, but delightful in its own way). Thanks to “Suzie Sun Burn” and “Mr. Black Toes” (so named due to previous vacation injuries—the swamp sunburn and the Grand Canyon downhill toe disaster), we had a gay old time (pun intended—about the crowd, sillies, not about them). Mr. Black Toes got quite the site with the two ladies in front of him sucking face for the entire concert (shame on you two--get a room next time!). SSBMBTD (“suzie-sun-burn-mr.-black-toes-daughter”) and grandchildren were also present, but poor hubby Banker Bob never got to see any of the concert because he got there so late and then he had to leave because his children were on the verge of a meltdown.

Day Two was spent with “Itchy the Crotch-Scratcher.” (I apologize to SSB and Mr. Black Toes for the what I am about to share because they would never stoop to the level I’m about to sink to….)I SWEAR to you this is all true. In fact, call my wife so she can verify the validity of my report. This is very inappropriate, juvenile behavior on my part (wrong to publish on so many levels for so many reasons), but who am I to deny you any stories of my actual being? (This is a picture of Paris Hilton's crotch, not Itchy's crotch, as taken from feralboy.com. I don't have a photo of Itchy's crotch, so just go with Paris. I love Feral boy's photo on Paris' crotch. Is life good or what?)

Vacation Day Two found us at a place that I decline to name to see some people I decline to identify (friends?… family?…old realtors?…past girlfriends?…church members at an ice cream social?...we’ll leave that up to your imagination) for an event that shall remain unnamed. Anyway, we run into this woman who the wife and I have noticed has this rather unusual habit of scratching her crotch in public settings (I am NOT making this up). We see her at this gathering and there she is, scratching her crotch. Not secretly scratching—-openly scratching with no apparent regard for those around her. “Itchy” itches when talking to you and it’s really weird and noticeable. I can’t tell you why, but for the past few years, Itchy has been pawing at her parts. (The wife noticed this habit many moons ago, so kudos to her for being the first one to mention Itchy’s behavior to me.) Crotch-grabbing-scratching-pawing is rather unusual for a woman, as far as I’m concerned, so it peaked my interest (in a horrified-can’t-look-away-from-the-train-wreck way). Male baseball players are always playing with their parts—-women at public functions do NOT usually fondle their naughty tidbits. At first, I thought maybe it was just a bad shaving job gone wrong. The next time I thought maybe it was a yeast infection gone wrong. The third time I thought maybe the crabs had taken over. The fourth time I thought she was just perverted. The fifth time I thought, “is anyone else seeing this?”

At this gathering, Itchy walked up to me and starts babbling about her clothing and then, I SWEAR to you this is true, she starts talking about how her daughter told her she scratches her crotch in public and it’s embarrassing and how she should go to the doctor because there must be something medically wrong…and she goes on to say that her husband tells her, “that’s why all your shorts have holes in the crotch” because she scratches her crotch so much.

What can I do but laugh like a hyena? I burst out laughing but she keeps talking about not having any shorts to wear because they have no crotches left. I laugh harder, which is probably not the reaction I should display but snot flies out of my nose and I try not to fart because I am laughing so hard. Day Two is a complete success.

Today is Day Three which is really a day for the dogs, as they spent time at the “spa” (read: terrorized at the groomer), getting all spiffed up. (They were a ball of knots...God knows they needed a shave, as long as they don't scratch their crotches after getting shaved.) They didn't have a good time and have all sorts of nicks and cuts. It's their fault so don't feel badly for them. Freckles also was very naughty, nipping at the groomer, but since it's basically impossible to muzzle a Shih Tzu, the groomer just had someone hang on to the bitch while cutting those nails...

Since I won’t be going anywhere exotic this week, I went and saw “Pirates of the Caribbean” and pretended that I’m on an island in the Atlantic. Arrg! It's a pirates life for me! I liked the movie--I liked it better than that Superman movie and Johnny Depp is hilarious, so who wouldn't want to be a pirate while on vacation?