Demise of Low-Rise Jeans Leads to Panic and Hysteria

I was absolutely horrified to read in Newseek (dated 3/27/06) that the ultra-low rise jean is so out and that the "mom jeans" are coming back into the picture. Mom jeans!

I could barely get myself off the couch after reading that. Who has time for world crises and famine and bird flu when there is such a travesty in the works?

I live for the low rise jean. I own a closet-full of low rise jeans. I finally found pants that flatter the booty and bring joy to my world. Yeah, yeah, my hips hang over the top--affectionately called "muffin tops." (I've got those good-birthing-wide hips--wasted by not giving birth, by the way, but that's another story). but I'm old (well, compared to the 20 year olds with their thongs hanging out). I kept my muffin tops under control. They won't be able to stay in control in mom jeans. They won't be able to breath. 

Seriously--hip hang is a small price to pay when you are looking good. There is no good reason to stage the ending to a great pants era besides wanting to make money. All of us will have to go out and by new pants. NO! I won't do it, you rat bastards!

The article reported that "low rise jeans aren't very comfortable." Who are they kidding? They are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. I didn't let my undies hang out, I kept my crack to myself, I kept my shirts long enough to hide my belly button. Where did I go wrong? Didn't I buy enough pairs of these pants? Was it too scary to see 40-somethings wearing these jeans? Didn't I keep my bikini area fresh and pretty enough? 

I can't breath! How can they do this to me? My belly button is crying out in horror.

The answer the powers that be are now giving us is the "midrise" jean. That means just below the belly button. They try to make it sound fun by calling them "boy cut." Boy cut, my ass. I'm no stinkin' boy. I refuse to give in to the fashion police. I am going to go out and buy low rise jean by the boatload. I'll gladly be out of style. Just don't make me squeeze my muffin tops back into those high cut jeans. 

Those disco pants went out of fashion for a reason. 

Next thing you know, we'll all be wearing those smock tops again.

I'd write more but I have to get to Old Navy and save myself from certain doom. Pray for me. 

Pray for my muffin tops.