Cha Cha Cha...Chi Chi Chi

Super Bowl Sunday 2006 found me sitting across from a Western Herbalist (as opposed to an Eastern Herbalist, I suppose). She was perched in front of her probably very expensive and obviously very new Electro-dermal screening (EDS) machine. Oodles of bottles of who-knows-what surrounded her very being.

Shouldn't a Western Herbalist wear a cow girl hat and some spurs? Or, at least face the west wall?

For some reason, when I made the appointment I thought this would be a fun way to spend Super Bowl Sunday. After all, it was a sporting event of which had no bearing on my life--none of my teams were involved.

The friendly herbalist handed me a chunk of metal wrapped in a wet paper towel. She told me to hold it in my left hand. Being the compliant type, I did as told, depsite not knowing why I was holding it or what it would do. I supposed it was like holding a lightening rod...well, without lightening. She explained that there are energy pathways in the body called meridians and that these meridians are related to every organ and system in the body. There was some talk about the flow of energy called the "chi."

All I could think of was "Dancing with the Stars" doing the cha cha cha, but she say chi, chi, chi.

EDS is, in her words, a non-invasive, painless method that meausres the body's energies using acupuncture points. By finding the energetic imbalances, she would be able to find what herbs and natural remedies I'd need to get back in balance.

 I'm out of balance? Like that's gonna be a surprise to anyone. I put M&Ms in my cereal. And, let's not even get started on my mental health. Balance isn't exactly my middle name.

For 90 minutes, I sat and watched the computer make little graphs corresponding to my organs, all while holding that piece of metal in my left hand. It was hypnotizing, if nothing else. The little bars in the graph were yellow for not enough, green for just right and red for "Oh shit, you are in so much trouble--your organs are going to fall out."

Lucky me--there was A LOT of red going on in my session. EDS must not respect my love of chocolate and sugar-filled products. That or the EDS's favorite color is red.

I started to get nervous. Baby Jesus, please don't let my organs fall out.

I start to get angry. This is so unfair. I don't drink alcohol. I don't do drugs. I don't drink pop. I'm a vegetarian. I walk.  Sometimes I jog. Besides my thyroid, I'm good as gold. I'm healthy.

EDS says I am not. EDS gives a loud and clear message that I am in need of saving. EDS says I should go find my check book.

Turns out, per the lightening rod thing, I needed things like energy endobiotics, Xymatics, Gammaxyme, yeast fungus drops, some herb for hormones that looks like little rabbit droppings, a "five flower" tonic for stress and a mind-body tonic for this or that. What the hell these things are, I do not know but the herbologist seems to think I won't survive the week without them. Five flowers? Why not or four or six flowers? Hell, I'm allergic to some flowers. I can't imagine five flowers in one place, all waiting for me to ingest them. Please tell me one of the flowers isn't ragweed. And, let's not even talk about purple cone flower. I'm getting clogged up and itchy just thinking about it.

The list of needed products was horrifying. And, expensive. My red lines were gonna cost me a lot of money. Cha cha cha, chi chi chi, cha, cha, cha-ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching!

I contemplate my choices. I considered how I can start a regiment of various herbs and such and see what happens....

...or, I could lve my life as is and call it a day, spending my money on a chocolate cake shake from Portillos and Dove Dark chocolate for sustinance along the way.

The herbal grrrrl wins out. Well, partially. I agree to take a few of the suppliments and herbs and organ-saving tinctures. I can't and won't give her all my discretionary monies for the month. I have a life to live, lady. 

I handed her a check and muttered something about how my chi better be flowing right out my ass by the time I get done taking these products.

I don't think she was entertained by my comment. I think the only thing that she envisioned flowing right out my ass was....well, not flowing out...I think she envisioned her EDS lightening rod being shoved right up my ass. Plugged in. Electric waves shooting out. Measurements flowing in....

Bet that would lead to a whole lot of red lines. Just sayin.'
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