Sunday, April 22, 2018

I See Cue Elles

Still no word on Bandido's DNA results. It should be this week. Any guesses on what she "is?" Time will most definitely tell.

And, now for a word about my little friend, Bitty Bichon. Neighbor dog Bitty was attacked by a coyote two nights ago. Most dogs would never have survived the attack, but the coyote picked the wrong dog to mess with. By some true miracle and lots of bravery, Bitty escaped. The story is horrific. I don't even like to think about it, because I can envision the entire thing. Thankfully, Bitty was smart enough to run to the front door of her house and cower in the corner. It's still touch and go, as Bitty remains in the hospital and her injuries are very severe. So, if you have a moment, please put out a good thought for Bitty. She needs all the positive vibes she can get.

In the work department, I will be going back to Baltimore sooner than later for additional training about our new electronic health record software. I find this whole thing amusing, seeing as I'm an art major and a counselor by trade. I grew up in the land of manual typewriters and carbon copy paper. I taught myself about using computers. I have never taken an official computer technology class. I basically fake it. Yet, here I am teaching myself computer language and creating health record tables for my place of employment.

This weekend's adventure has been reading a book on SQL, ess-cue-el, or sequel to non-geeks. I need to have some understanding about SQL before going to Baltimore, as that is part of the gig. Friday night, I read the first ten pages of my SQL for Beginners book, stopped, then read the first ten pages again. I decided it would be best to go to bed and try it again in the morning. I admit that it was a bit easier to digest once I had enjoyed a good night's sleep but after about 25 pages, I felt a little dizzy and weak. I decided watching YouTube videos might be of more help.

In moments of doubt, I cheer myself on by saying, "if you can teach yourself how to use a little HTML code to make headers a bit more fancy, you can learn SQL.

Right?

The problem has been that resources for beginners aren't really for beginners. Every resource I've used assumes some form of knowledge on the subject. I have none. I don't even know what SQL is used for yet. No clue. I know it's about data bases, whatever those technically might be. (I know what a data base is but I don't KNOW what a data base is. I don't understand it. I'm working on it.) Someone on my FB page suggested that SQL is fun. I don't know what kind of drugs he's taking, because I don't foresee any fun. Maybe once I get past page 25, I'll see all the fun to be had.

The videos have been a bit more helpful than the books, but that might be because I can multi-task while watching videos. No kidding. Last night, I watched a TV show with the wife while videos on SQL were running on my computer.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't actually watching the SQL videos.... I was hoping for osmosis. Let the words dribble into my ears and onward toward my brain... kind of like sleeping with your textbook under your pillow.

I don't think that worked, either.

Today--the Sabbath--I'm going to watch some more videos and then I'll go back and re-read the 25 pages. I believe the third time will be a charm. I'm a visual kind of gal, so if I can create a picture of what this is all about in my head, I'll be good to go.

Actually, what I really need to find is another art-major-gone-rogue to help me with my endeavors. I need someone with a giant right brain and a peanut for a left brain who specializes in computer-related things. It's almost an oxymoron. But, I know they are out there. They're the people who understood and liked geometry but failed miserably at and hated algebra.

How do I know this? Because I am one of those people. The wife, queen of the left brain, is all about algebra and I'm all about geometry. Geometry makes sense to me... give me a good theorem any day.

Actually, my visualization of all things geometric is what helps me visual data bases and SQL-esque stuff. I feel like I'm on the verge of understanding the information in front of me. I know that if I can paint the picture, I'll be fine. It might actually end up being fun....

....but, I'm skeptical. Fun is probably not the word I'm going to use and fun is probably not what I'm going to feel.

Fun is going to be learning what breeds make up our Tex Mex street dog. She does not need computer code or rules or applications to be fun....

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Saturday, April 14, 2018

DNA Gone To the Dogs

While doing some work on the computer this morning, my mind wandered to this blog. I wondered to myself:

"Self, why are your posts so few and far between?"

I answered, with a firm voice and all-knowing tone: "Self, it's because you spend your LIFE on a computer. By the time you're done, you're done. Not one more key can be punched."

I then started working on our state taxes... which required two computers and a fight with the State's website. I got mighty pissed off during this adventure but remained determined to beat the State. Shout out that I persisted. An hour later, I finished the stupid thing, only to learn we owed $8.00.

That sucks. Oh sure, it's only eight dollars but that sucks. I hate our state. No money for us, no funding for anyone, billions of dollars gone somewhere other than it should have gone. I thought about saying "screw you!" about the eight bucks but decided to pay it and be done with it.

Onward to the topic of our four-footed friends. Ah, the fun of gleaning doggy DNA.

I decided to test Bandido's DNA to see what she really might be made of. I figured Rosita is pretty much a poodle with a drop of bichon mixed in, so no need to test her. Bandido is a mystery. She's a whole lot bigger than we anticipated. Her peanut head makes her body look even bigger. Her long legs make no sense. We know she is probably several forms of terrier, but that doesn't explain her legs.

I ordered the DNA testing kit. It is a pricey little thing but I suppose DNA testing isn't cheap. I figured it was good for some entertainment, so I justified the price with little argument. The test arrived quickly, quite to my surprise and delight.

I thought this would be a snap. I watched the video as suggested. I read and re-read the instructions. I took out the little swab thing. I set up the box so it would be ready for air-drying the sample.

It was then I began chasing Bandido around the house.

She was having NOTHING.TO.DO.WITH.IT.

Imagine trying to stick a little plastic thing with a small brush on the end between a dog's cheek and gums when the dog doesn't really have cheeks. I imagine dogs with big jowls are really easy to get a DNA sample from. But, Bandido--there's nothing there. Just a lot of wiry hair.

No cheeks. No floppy jowls. Just sealed-tight lips.

I tried everything to get a DNA sample, only to get the wire brush caught in her hair several times. At one point, she ran away with the DNA test wand tangled in her facial hair. It was hard to convince her letting me pull it out was a good idea.

Right away I started thinking about how much easier it would be to get a sample from anywhere except her mouth. Just sayin.'

The test directions indicated I needed to take 15 seconds worth of DNA sampling. 15 seconds my ass. I was going for the one second method. I tried getting her to lick it. I tried getting her to drool by putting cheetos in front of her nose. I tried being gentle. I tried being forceful. I tried being sneaky. I finally got about a half-second's worth of DNA. I decided that was good enough.

No one has ever mentioned how hard it is to get a DNA sample without using two people and a crow bar. Well, I am mentioning it now.

I then realized I needed another sample. I went and got the second stick and prepared for battle. As you can imagine, this went no better than my first attempt; in fact, it went even worse. She knew what was coming and her lips were sealed. She was as determined not to give me a sample as I was determined to get one. The wife wasn't around and I didn't have a crow bar, so I just did my best.

This time I probably got .75 of a second's worth of sampling. I shoved that sample into the envelope and stuffed it in the mailbox. If they can't figure things out from those lousy samples, they can send me my money back and we'll just assume Bandido is a Yorkie/Min Pin/rottweiler/chihuahua (all dogs along the Tex-Mex border seem to have some form of chihuahua in them). Perhaps there is a little Irish Wolfhound in there. She does seem to think she is quite large and in charge.

It takes about two weeks to get results. By then, she will probably have forgiven me for the torturous testing fiasco. I look forward to posting the results. What do I actually think I'm going to learn? Nothing. My guess is that the test will come back with the dreaded "mixed breed" as at least half of the results.

For the record, if the test comes back human, it's my fault. No, I didn't put the stick in my mouth but I did end up putting my hands all over the damn thing. Perhaps I should have put one stick in my mouth to throw them off. That'd be a true test.

I hate to tell her... if she comes back yorkie and chihuahua and nothing more, she's going to have to go on a diet. There is no way she should be so big when made of those two small breeds. No Chorkie weighs 16 pounds. Bandido better pray for pit bull or German Shepard or rottweiler in there.

She's going to need therapy if this happens. First the sticks, then the diet. Oh, she will not be happy. She'll demand a recount. I can't blame her.

I say to her: Be warned, amiga: this time I will be armed with the wife and a crow bar. No second round of inconclusive testing.

Chorkie. Chorkiepin. Chorkler. Chorkiepard.

Let the lab results be shared with the world.... and, let the lab results not be human.
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