Sunday, April 26, 2015

Of Trees and Trainings

I woke up with vertigo this morning. It's a sinus thing. Due to the way the room is spinning, I keep leaning to the left...so, if my margins are cock-eyed, forgive me. A little Dramamine and Sudafed (the good, behind-the-counter kind) and a vat of coffee will cure me by the end of the blog.

The green ash remains standing, as the tree guy has yet to cut it down. This makes me happy, as it means more time to give the tree love. It's still hard to imagine cutting down a tree of which is not dead. I'm still keeping an eye out for a borer, as I want to see one in the "wild." I figure if you have the borer, you might as well see the borer.

We have another tree--a red bud--that IS dead. The wife bought it last year and had it professionally planted. It cost a pretty penny (I was going to say "an arm and a leg" but I think a tree would be more "a limb and a root") and so neither of us is very pleased that it is dead. Now, we're not arborists, by any means, but we're pretty sure we can tell if a tree is dead or not. No buds. No leaves. No green inside the branches....of which SNAP right off when bent.

The poor wife. She loves a beautiful-in-bloom red bud and has been waiting for spring ever since she had it planted last year. Forget red buds---the only thing growing on that tree is some moss. The guy who planted it is being a.....well, an ass. (I wanted to use more descriptive words but this is a family show). He's giving the wife quite the time. Oh, he admits there is a guarantee and that if there is no sign of life by now, it's probably dead but he's not exactly hurrying to do anything about it and he has been a condescending piece of poo to the wife. (Don't worry about her--she can handle a piece of poo. He has no idea what he is going to face if he doesn't knock it off.) Personally, I wish he'd just give us our money back and call it a day. I'd like to give our business to someone else. I'm giving him two weeks....if he doesn't take action by then, my Facebook page is gonna be all about him. Trust me, he doesn't want that. He'll have more than vertigo.

Instead of getting angry, I enjoy little scenerios in my head:

Me (standing in front of the very dead tree): "This tree is dead."

Asswipe Tree Man: "How do you know it's dead? It's too early to tell if it's dead."

Me (grabbing a branch from the dead tree and SNAPPING the whole thing off without effort): THIS is how I know it's dead.

Asswipe Tree Man: "We'll have to wait and see if it's dead."

Me--takes down Asswipe Tree man and inserts broken, dead branch in a place where the sun does not shine.

I feel better already.

I went to a professional training last week. My boss sent me and told me to learn what I could so I could come back and train the staff. To be honest, I didn't listen to her when she told me what kind of training it was and I didn't take time to read the email she forwarded me. I just looked at when and where I needed to be. I figured I could figure everything else out once I got there.

The training was held in Springfield, three hours due south.(It used to take four hours to get there but now it only takes three hours, thanks to 70 MPH speed limit and at least two lanes the entire drive. I was stunned at how quickly the drive passed.) I got to the conference with time to spare, so I took on a search for a Dunkin' Donuts (one must have priorities). Getting lost while searching for the lone Springfield DD gave me a beautiful view of the city--every red bud in town was in full bloom. (Thankfully, the wife did not have to see that--she would have cried.) ALL the trees were in their splendor, the grass was lush and green, the houses manicured, the roads paved in bricks. I don't know where I was but it was sure worth the lost minutes.

I'm not the kind of gal you want in your training. I keep my eyes open and I nod appropriately now and then, but beyond that.....I'm usually texting or reading emails or playing a game or perusing Facebook or eating a snack. I try not to be rude but there's only so long I can sit still and behave....

....That said....this training kept me completely engaged. Heck, I even turned my phone OFF. I have NEVER turned off my phone in a training. That's like giving up a first-born child. I took notes. I never zoned out. I never doodled or got distracted. The only thing I did that wasn't fully about the training was slurp on my DD coffee now and then. During lunch, I turned on my phone and sent my boss a "thank you text" for sending me to the training. Who does that? I'll tell you who--me, when I finally go to a training that is worth every penny and every minute. Such trainings are unfortunately few and far between.

The topic was of great interest to me, so that helped. But, it was the trainer who made the difference. This man should get a medal.

I was stunned when he walked into the room, as I recognized him from television. I'd seen him on CNN and talk shows and even a reality TV show. I looked at my program, looked at him, looked at my program. Dang, maybe I shoulda read the training information when my boss gave it to me.

Suffice it to say, I loved every minute of the training. For the past 48 hours, I have found myself spouting things from his presentation and thinking about things in his book. Even the wife can tell I truly enjoyed this training. I'm trying not to present like a high schooler who's come back all fired up in the name of Jesus after a retreat. There's nothing more obnoxious than that. Oh, how I  clearly recall those days where the teens would come back all filled with Jesus. I'm so glad the Catholics didn't send their teens to School-Year Jesus Camp.

If you're interested, contact me and I'll bore you to tears with an incredibly passionate tirade on anosognosia. (How I love that word. Kudos to my agency for already knowing about this word. I felt like a brain surgeon already knowing this when he started talking about it.) Ann Knows--Sugg knows--She--ahhhhhhh. Say it with me. If you can't say it, that's okay. It's a fancy term for "lack of awareness" and is usually heard when discussing dementia or brain trauma. People with schizophrenia are full of anosognosia....which is why treatment can be so complex.

Maybe the Asswipe Tree Man has anosognosia and thus he doesn't recognize a dead tree when he sees one. "If a dead tree falls in the woods in front of an Asswipe Tree man, does he recognize the tree he planted is dead?"

I think not.

Let's call his issue "Asshole-No Life-Tree-oh-le-ahhhhhhhh." The only cure is to send him to Jesus Camp so he can learn that Jesus would give us a new tree because it's the right thing to do.

Jesus: Asswipe Tree man, why thou not giveth a new tree to those beloved women?

Asswipe Tree man: Um, Jesus--I know not if the tree is dead.

Jesus: That tree is not going to resurrect--Easter's long gone.

Asswipe Tree Man: Well, I....

Jesus: I, the giver of life, tell you that the tree is dead. Don't you dare start babbling how she didn't water it or she watered it too much or she didn't do this or that....get them a Me-dang tree. Now. The prayer says, "thy wood be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." So, make it done, son. There ain't no dead trees in heaven.

Asswipe Tree man: I thought it was "thy will be done."

Jesus: Exactly. My will is a damn new tree. Don't just stand there. Start digging so my will be done.

And with that, a new tree swooped down upon us, with Asshole-no life-tree-oh-le-ahhhhhh spit upon and the tree of Life was planted on the Addiverse lawn. 
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The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing which stands in their way. ~William Blake
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Asswipe tree man, don't let that dead tree be the thing that stands in our way.





Monday, April 20, 2015

Red light, Green Light

I'm flashing back to my childhood here...must've been inspired by the whole AV Club thing...

Do you remember the game "Red light, Green Light?" It was a lot safer than Red Rover and was a favorite, right up there with "Steal the Bacon" and "Spud." Some lucky kid would stand near one end of the gym while the rest of lined up at the far end of the gym. The lucky kid (after all, whoever has control of the game has the best gig in the gym) would yell "Green light!" and we'd all start running toward the far end of the gym. When lucky kid yelled "Red Light!" we all had to come screeching to a halt. If said lucky kid saw any of us moving upon twirling around, we had to go back to the starting line.

As I face a few "non-problem problems," I feel like I'm playing a game of "Red light, Green Light."

(I'm sure people with REAL problems are disgusted by my fretting over "problems." These are not real problems. These are Addiverse problems of which are of no consequence to the Universe at large. Indulge me, won't you? What's a little whining on a rainy Monday morning?)

Take, for instance, our beloved Green Ash tree. We planted that thing 20 years ago, only a stick of a thing, free from our cousins. It now towers over the house, keeps the south side of the house shaded and is perfect for a sit under its canopy on a warm summer night. I love that thing. We've suspected this favorite tree has had a case of the Green Ash Borer for a few years but had not seen many overt signs....until now. The bark is tattered and the borer-made holes (and, those made by the woodpeckers seeking a tasty borer) are burrowed deep into the trunk. The photo to the right does not even come close to illustrating the issue with the tree--I took this from the ground with my phone's camera. The tree still looks great, considering. Although it seems to be raining bark, it's blooming as I type....

...so, green light--we cut it down now now? Or, red light--stop and leave it alone for another season?

It's six of one, half dozen of another. It's not going to get any better; in fact, it's just gonna get worse. One more summer would be lovely. The woodpeckers would have a feast. The other trees in the neighborhood already look worse than ours, so it's not like we're infecting anything further....

....but, waiting is just postponing the inevitable.

The wife seems to be the lucky kid in the middle and I think she just yelled "Green light!" After all, the wife had a tree guy come out on Saturday and that sounds pretty "green light" to me. Her tree light has been green for several years. The tree guy agrees we have the borer and gave us an estimate to take Mr. Ash down. (Can I just say it takes a whole lotta cash to take down a tree?) Green light it is.

Then, there is heart worm medication for the dog. Freckles is walking the fine line between "I've got a few more years" and "I'll be lucky to get a few more weeks." Heart worm meds are really expensive so I'm giving this some thought. She's never missed her monthly dose...yet, heart worm at this stage of the game wouldn't be like heart worm at age one or two. The meds come in one year packs....she could use one and then leave me with eleven unused ones or she may need yet another pack next year. It's not like she spends a lot of time outside--but, I suppose a mosquito could bite her in the butt as she's taking a poop. Oh, these earth-shattering decisions I must make! The light remains yellow. I've got another week to think about it.....where's that lucky kid when I need him/her?

For the record, I'm having the same issue with dog food. I usually order by the case via the Internet--great prices, comes to the door via Brown. We used the can last week, so I ran to the store and bought a few cans....for almost twice the price. That's because I'm still feeding Freckles the expensive canned stuff, of which is not available at grocery stores. At this stage of the game, I should probably start feeding her the "parts is parts" kind of food. So, do I keep buying can by can or by the bulk? I'm sensing a red light to the "by the case" mentality. I'm also sensing a "red light to the better ingredients than what the wife and I eat for dinner" canned food. Let's here it for hooves and claws, straight from China!

I'm not sure how I sleep at night with all these decisions of which weigh over me. Who has time to think about campaign reform, third world country atrocities when there is such horror to consider?

Then, there is the question of tampons. I'm praying to the Goddess of Menstruation that my ovaries will slowly and gently come to rest and stop shooting out eggs. I usually buy tampons by the gross, in all sorts of "flavors;" it's a great way to save money and cut down on trips to the store. But now, I don't want to buy a whole bunch; after all, doesn't that give my uterus the wrong idea? Oh sure, tampons are easy to give away but I want to keep my body apprised of my intention of not needing to buy enough that I have to give them away. I think I see a "green light go buy a pile o' tampons."

I'd whine more about other things but I think I've whined much more than enough. The light is RED. It's telling me to stop. Stop it! STOP IT!

If you'd like to be that lucky kid in the middle for awhile in the Addiverse, let me know. I daresay there is room for a game or two around here. Your payment, besides the glory, will most likely be tampons and dog food.

You have been warned.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Ode to the Gods of AV

 
This blog is inspired by today's twenty-something-year olds, as seen from a fifty-something-year old's eyes. Respect your elders, youngsters. (Such youngsters probably think the thing to the left is some weird logo for a fast food restaurant, band or cult.)

It is also inspired by the installation of a Smart TV/Smart board at work on Friday. I cannot wait to get my hands on that thing. I've struggled to stay sane during the era of the white board, knowing that such delicious technology existed but was not within my reach. Today is the day I finally get to use the smart TV. I feel smarter already.

Because this blog will deal with the bygone era of my beloved "technology," I will include many a photo. If you are my age, you will have a smile as you read. If you are young, you are going to wonder what this stuff is and will question how ancient I really am. Let's see how really old YOU are.

As the trainer at work, not only do I have to talk a lot--I have to deal with technology now and then. When I say technology, I mean simple things like lap tops, TVs, VCRs (yes, we still have a VCR--this is a budget production) and DVDs. Last week, I needed to show a DVD as part of first aid training. Prior to last week, I'd just used my lap top to show the DVD, so I didn't have to worry about finding, setting up and using the actual DVD machine.

On this particular day, I made a last minute decision to show the DVD on the "TV on a cart" set up. I asked the three trainees to give me a second while I went and hunted down the TV on a cart. After a short search, I rolled the thing into my office and got ready to show the DVD. Problem is, the person who last used this was either drunk, stupid or stupid drunk. All the chords were jumbled together, things were in the "wrong" places and nothing was plugged in the way they needed to plug in. (Note to self: Planning ahead is a good idea.) There was a VCR/DVD player component, a blue ray component, a TV, a stereo sound "system" with separate speakers and some extra cords...and, two remotes of which were not for the TV. Nothing was fully plugged into the TV--cords were dangling here and there, all tangled and unusable in the current state. I'm not sure which component was most recently used, but neither of them could be used in the way they were currently "set up."  I asked the trainees for their patience as I untangled the chords and moved components here and there on the cart. I unplugged, untangled, tangled, plugged.

While doing this (and getting covered by dust, as no one had EVER cleaned this cart thing and I know I purchased the stereo in 2005, so that was like 10 years of dust), I laughed and said aloud,

"I feel like I'm in the AV club in grade school." 

I looked up at the three 20-something year olds. They had blank stares, aimed at me and my cart. I stopped fiddling with the cords and asked,

"You don't know what the AV club was, do you?"

All three shook their heads "no." I think they looked a wee bit scared. I stepped out from behind the TV and stand and inquired, "So, you didn't have an AV club at school?" Their still-blank faces suggested not.

Because I didn't think before saying anything further, I didn't shut up. Instead of just worrying about the cords and getting the first aid DVD running, I added,

"I always wanted to be in the AV club, but only boys were in the AV club when I was in grade school." Now they didn't just look scared, I'm pretty sure the WERE scared. Adding insult to my self-inflicted injury, I questioned them:

"So, you never got to watch a movie in school on a movie projector--you know, the kind with the movies on reels?"


I might as well have been speaking a different language...because I WAS speaking a different language.

It was at this precise moment that I realized I was really, really old.

As their wise elder, and as old people tend to do, I decided it was my moral obligation to educate them on technology of old and how I had been in awe of the nerds in the AV Club. First aid could wait.

"Boy, did I want to be an AV nerd. They got to roll in the projector and set up the movies and fix things when the movie reel would suddenly spit out the movie film. Oh, to have been a nerd in the AV club!"

I started working on the cords as I spoke. "Man, were we happy when the AV nerd rolled in the filmstrip projector or the movie projector. There was nothing like that." It dawned on me that NO ONE under the age of 45 probably knew what a film strip was. I didn't even bother asking.

(Side note: Can I just say that I remember those filmstrips as if I saw one yesterday? I can still hear the "ding" alerting the teacher to advance the slide. The best film strip we ever watched was in fifth grade, when they showed the girls in my class the film strip warning us that we were going to get this mystery thing called menstruation. That was a doozy!)

I finally had all the cords and components in order. I was stymied for a moment when trying to figure out why there was no TV remote and what the two remotes in hand were actually "tied" to. I stepped in front of the TV to turn it on manually but there were no buttons on the front. One of the three must have taken pity on me because he stood up and pushed a button on the side of the TV.

Wa-la! The TV turned on. Boy, that master's degree sure wasn't helping me today, eh?

I manually turned on the DVD player and shoved in the DVD. I accidentally figured out that one of the remotes was for the DVD/VCR player, so I used that to get things going. Nothing but a blank blue screen stared out from the TV. I tilted my head to one side, considering how without a remote, I didn't know how to change the channels so I could pick the correct channel for showing the DVD. One of the three threw me a bone, noting that the TV needed to be on such-and-such a setting. I wanted to say, "Duh! I know that!" but realized that this information still didn't help me with the problem. Putting my master's degree to work, I figured that if the power button was on the side of the TV, the "channel changer buttons" were probably on the side of the TV, too. Yes! I changed the channel and was super-relieved to see the already-running first aid DVD pop up on the screen.

As the DVD rolled through the "warnings," I asked if anyone had ever smelled a warm ditto, fresh off the ditto machine (or, mimeograph, I suppose). Man, they probably thought I had snorted one too many dittos in my day. I couldn't help it. I was on an AV roll. I explained how the teacher would make the copies using this machine and the purple-blue inked wonders were warm when "hot off the press" and how they had their own distinct smell.

They did not look impressed. Actually, by this point, I'm not sure they were even conscious. They were probably deliriously happy when I shut up and showed the actual first aid DVD. It might be the first time I've ever taught first aid where the students were actually excited to get going on the lesson. I mean, who gets excited about learning first aid in a work training?

I was relieved to find out that they were familiar with an overhead projector. At least they knew of something from my school years. I didn't bother to ask if they had ever used a card catalog.

....I wasn't dumb enough to ask if they had ever used a tape recorder, heard of an eight track or knew life before the VCR player.

.....I didn't mention that the microwave didn't show up until I was in high school and that there was no such thing as a cell phone.

......I daresay I didn't confess to knowing life before MTV or that I used a MANUAL typewriter to learn what they now call keyboarding.

....I didn't note that I didn't use a computer until after college and that the Internet was nowhere to be found until I was well into adulthood.

I sighed and let them watch the DVD in peace. As they watched, I gave a silent nod to the AV nerds of old. I thought of the movie reels, the chime of the filmstrip, the first time I used a microwave. I thought about how I lugged around an electric typewriter in college and how it really sucked when the ribbon ran out. I thought about how we'd listen to the radio and tape songs we liked using an external tape recorder/player.

As the DVD rolled, I gave a nod to the technology of old and a fist pump to the Tech Support of today's world. The IT guy at work is the AV guy of yester-year.

.....maybe the filmstrip will make a come-back. If that happens, I am so ready. Maybe I can show film strips on the new Smart TV/Smart board.....

Genius!