Saturday, January 25, 2014

Word! Cured.

Good and bad news, visitors of the Addiverse: My Replacement Lady Chiropractor cured me.

I am in no pain. I need no over-the-counter medication. I'm no longer walking like I have a corn cob stuck up my ass.  Seat pillow be damned!

You would think this a very good thing.....but....

...this means My Replacement Lady Chiropractor kicked me right off her table and out her office door, never to be seen again unless I want to do preventative work or if I have problems. She kicked me out....

...Free.Of.Charge!

Who the hell tries to give you an adjustment, sees you for your scheduled appointment and doesn't charge you?

I'm so sad. I was just getting to know her. But, when I told her I was in no pain and she found me to be lined up perfectly with nary a thing to snap, crackle or pop, she threw me out.

Well, okay--she politely told me to leave and that she wasn't going to charge me because there was nothing really to adjust.

I can't and don't credit her for my whole recovery, despite how wonderful she is. After all, bones heal with time, rest does wonders, sitting on a donut pillow helps, getting some full-body massages (featuring lots of time on the back side muscles), envisioning happy, healthy bones and not doing anything stupid (like going for a three mile jog) makes all the difference in the world. Going to the chiropractor was the icing on the cake. I'm not negating her efforts; I'm just looking at the whole picture.

Getting a free non-adjustment made me feel all that much better and makes the icing that much sweeter.

I've heard horror stories of people needing six months to year to heal from a broken tail bone, with some people telling me how they still have pain twenty years later. I chose not to be one of those people. I don't have time for six months of pain, let alone twenty. Maybe I've got fast-healing bones. Maybe I'm just lucky. Maybe my break wasn't as "bad" as their breaks. I choose to believe I have the power!

Today, I am going to go for a walk around the block with the wife. I'm tired of sitting around and she's got cabin fever, so I figure a short walk will help both of us. We'll walk in the street because it is snow covered and doesn't feature any ice. The side walks are off limits--they're an icy mess and I don't do icy messes any more. She's been really struggling with this long, Polar-Vortexed-winter. The sun is shining for the time being so getting her out and about my give her a shot of Vitamin D and lift her spirits a wee bit.

She might feel even better with a short road trip. Later today, we're going into the Cheddarlands this afternoon to do a Christening....

...with me as the minister.

For an adult.

In a bar.

With beer.

I kid you not.

It's a long story.

We will have much fodder for the blog. MJagger will be there to help with the event. It was her idea to use beer instead of water. The mother of the christening-to-be daughter wants to use hard liquor but MJagger insists it needs to be beer. I concur.

The wife is mortified and sure we are all going to hell.

We're not going to Hell. We're not even going to Limbo....

We are going to a bar in her home state, full of cheese curds and snow piles....

....maybe we'll need to baptize her, too.

Wonder if she wants light beer or full-flavored beer?
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I'll take photos.
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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Shaking my tailfeather

First, a haiku for Spotted Owl (she knows who she is):

Oh ankle, foot, leg,
stitched, bruised and painful,
thoughts of healing quickly, friend.

There's nothing like a haiku to start your day.

And, there is nothing like a artsy x-ray to follow a haiku.  You can't see my tail bone fracture in this photo but you can enjoy the poop and hips. Hips don't lie, you know. I hope to got that's not a tampon in the photo.
Well, well, well. I never thought it would happen, but I think it is in the works. My Beloved Lady Chiropractor (MBLC--we're flashing back a few years ago here) MAY be....dare I say?....in danger of being replaced?

Sacrilege! 

I decided to shake my broken tail feather at a new chiropractor's office, seeing as my MBLC moved to South Carolina, leaving me sad and lonely and unadjusted. The wife is very against chiropractic care, so she was skeptical and concerned about my decision to once again seek the cracking of various body parts, especially in light of my injury. I'm all good with chiropractors and know that MBLC helped me immensely. I would have let MBLC crack anything she wanted.

The biggest problem I had is figuring out where to find a new chiropractor that would do the job and that I could trust. The bar was set REALLY high by MBLC so I wasn't exactly teeming with confidence. I did see a chiropractor last year but it was nothing in comparison to MBLC; in fact, I usually left there feeling sad and depressed instead of energized and whole. I asked around and decided to check out the doctor who Master Pastor Reiki sees.

Imagine my surprise when the chiropractor comes out to meet me....and, I  know her!

She stops, looks at me and says, "Do we know each other?"

I look at her, confused--stare for a second, then laugh. "Oh dear god--we worked together at the (insert town here) Park District!"

She laughs harder. "I KNEW I recognized your voice!"

My voice is rather recognizable, I must say. Loud. Nasal. Chicago.

My confidence level shot through the roof. This lady was a great employee, an amazing athlete, smart as a whip. I was in good hands.

I had a little sad feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I knew my beloved lady chiropractor was about to be replaced.

Sure enough, BAM! My Beloved Lady Chiropractor Who?
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I feel like I'm cheating on MBLC. I'm sorry, lady. You shouldn't have moved so far away. It's over.
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I am happy to report that I feel one bazillion percent better since having a few adjustments. My hips can't lie--it might have been the decision to take naproxen, to sit on a donut pad, to give it time (after all, bones heal with time), to put out all those happy, healing thoughts....but I think the adjustments quickened the process and made all the difference. (It might have been the church prayer chain, too. They put me on the list. Who am I to argue?) This morning, I am sitting on a chair without a donut, without a naproxen, without pain.  It is the first time since the fall on Christmas morning that I can sit down and not wince, bitch or moan. I'm not exactly jogging material yet but I can now walk without looking like I've got a corn cob stuck up my ass.

I'm shaking my tail feather for a new and improved lady chiropractor. She needs a name....I think I'll call her MRLC...my replacement lady chiropractor.

Let the healing continue. I'm almost ready to dance on tables.

Almost.
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Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Oh my achin' nystagumus

If you are hoping I am going to talk about the weather, I am sure to disappoint. Oh sure, it's cold but I'm on vacation and don't have to go outside if I don't want to. I've taken up the Olympic sport of "100,000 Meter Couch Potato-astics." I excel at this, so bring on that -20 degrees! You know where to find me. On.The.Couch....getting an Olympic gold, right after I finish the "One Pint Chocolate Oreo Explosion Dash."

If you are hoping for an update on using the sleep tracker app on the dog, you're in luck.  I tested the app by putting it in Freckles' bed. (See previous blog.) She slept the whole night through, so I couldn't test the awake/sleep part. No surprise--her results were the same as mine. I still don't know if dogs have REM sleep but I do know that the dog and I "measure" the same on a free app. Not sure if that's good or bad.  Next, I will put my phone (and thus the phone app) by the wife and see what happens.  She's always awake in the middle of the night, so she makes it easy to test. To ensure the data is not corrupted or skewed, I will not be telling her about the experiment.

I lead a VERY exciting life, as you can tell.

My pupils are dilated right now, so typos are not my fault. Nothing says "good time on vacation" like going to the eye doctor to get your pupils dilated. Ate the ice cream (technically, custard), got off the couch, drove to the mall, picked out some new glasses. Since the glasses cost what I would have spent on an actual vacation, it made taking a stay-cation feel that much more festive.

Do not focus on the bags. Focus on the giant pupils. I shall now hypnotize you. You are getting sleeeeeepy.....

You might be wondering why we are home during my vacation? We're taking care of the dogs, putting eye drops in four times a day, carrying Freckles out the door when she is ready to do her duty, placing gates in strategic places so she doesn't do another tumbleweed imitation, staring at Lucy to make sure she's okay (of which she most certainly seems to be). Someday, we will one again vacation on tropical islands but that will have to wait.

While the wife was in the Cheddarlands for the Packer game last weekend, I was at home wondering what the hell was wrong with Freckles: she was wandering around in circles, tipping her head to the side, walking into things. She looked lost or drunk. I thought she might be trying to figure out the lay of the land but the noticed she made smaller circles when in the middle of the room. She was in slow-but-constant motion, wandering around even in the wee hours of the night. After 24 hours of this, I took a close gander and noticed a very bizarre thing--her eyes were doing this weird pendulum motion, quickly going back and forth, back and forth. Further observation noted her head was also moving in the direction of her eyes but in a much slower, less noticeable motion.

So, what did I do?

I took a video and sent it to MJagger. I only go to the most reliable sources: friends.

She thought Freckles' eye movements were probably normal for a blind dog, noting that blind people sometimes have the same problem.  I wasn't satisfied with this answer; besides, Freckles wouldn't wear the sunglasses I kept trying to put on her face (who the hell wants to look at a blind dog's eyes going back and forth? Very disconcerting.). I didn't think anything was horrible amiss--I was more intrigued than worried.

So, what did I do?

I googled "eye movements in dogs." Oh, the answers I did find!

There are some things in life you should not miss. Here is the visual evidence (pun intended). If you get this blog via email, you may have to go to the actual website to see the video.)

I knew Freckles wasn't in crisis, wasn't having a stroke, wasn't having a seizure. I was confident she wasn't having a brain tumor issue.  I didn't take her to the vet. I didn't even call the vent because I was so sure of the correct diagnosis made via the internet....my "research" led to the conclusion that she has a case of nystagumus.....the "involuntary and rhythmic oscillation of the eyeballs."

No wonder she was walking around in circles--she was dizzy. Tell tale signs of the issue include tilting of head and walking in circles.

Nystagumus is mighty common in older dogs, shows up unannounced and goes away whenever it is damn ready to hit the road. As the Addiverse always aims to educate it's readers, know that Freckles' diagnosis is officially known as "Old Dog" vestibular Disease. There are different kinds of issues that might be tied to this weirdness but what she seems to have is idiopathic and only needs time, love and patience.....

So, she's old and dizzy. Not much different than the majority of my friends. (I couldn't resist.) Best news? She's already on the mend. After three days of this nonsense her eyes have stopped spinning around in her head and all seems well.  She's no longer wandering around in circles and she slept through the night.

I'd never heard of this nystagumus thing before. I'd guess you haven't heard of it, either; hence, I find it of important mundane value to share with you, beloved reader. It happens in people, too. In an effort to educate you further, here's a video of which demonstrates not only the eye movement but also the "left ear shuffle" and the "ever so slight head tracking:"






















Reminds me of my college days. Just sayin'.
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Wednesday, January 01, 2014

You..are...getting....sleepy...

Happy New Year, Beloved Readers in the Addiverse! Make it an amazing year!
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Somehow, with no memory of how it came about, I found an app that supposedly tracks your sleep using a smart phone. Now, that seems like a mighty long stretch, but the app was free, my phone is pretty smart and I thought it sounded fun. Free and fun works for me; besides, all I had to do was load the app and go to bed.

The premise is kind of hazy to me, but it goes something like this: turn on the app, set the timer, put the smart phone on the bed (near the corner of the mattress at the top) and go to sleep. In the morning, you are awakened by a beautiful little chiming song, sometime before or at the time you set the alarm. The time isn't exact because the alarm goes off during the time you are supposedly in the lightest phase of sleep, making your wake up pleasant and most wonderful. Once awake, you are provided data, including how long you slept, how efficient your sleep was and what your sleep cycles looked like.  Here's a photo of a not-so-efficient's night sleep:
Blue is REM sleep; green is light sleep; orange is "what the hell are you doing awake at this time of night?" As you can see, I only had a 75% efficiency in sleeping. The alarm was set for 6 AM but went off at 5:53 AM, making my rise and shine that much more rise and shinier.

The thing is.....although I find this very impossible, this thing got it right. The humorous part? Despite my smart phone being placed right by my pillow, on my side of the bed, it was tracking the wife's sleep, not mine.

How do I know? Because every time she got up or was awake peeking at her iPad, I asked her what time it was.  Guess what? The times matched exactly what is on the screen. Why she is up so much, I do not know. But, I do know that when she's awake, I wake up, so I had the chance to ask about the time:
Me: (Sense the glow of an iPad) "You awake?"

The wife: "Yes, I can't sleep."

Me: (muttered through a fog of sleep) "What time is it?"

The wife: "About 1:15 AM."

A few hours later, I feel the rustling of an awaken human being.

Me: (praying for seven more hours of sleep) "You awake?"

The wife: "Yeah. I've been awake since about 4:30 or 4:45 AM."

Me: "What time did you get up and let Freckles out last night?"

The wife: "About 11:45 PM."

I pry one eye open and look at the graph. That can't be possible. I mean, how the hell can an upside down smart phone figure out if you are awake or asleep and what kind of sleep you are having?

I've tried it about seven times and each time it's been pretty accurate....well, about the awake parts--I have no idea if the REM and light sleep are accurate. I'd need electrodes and a real sleep lab to know about that. It's based on movement, so it makes sense on a very basic level. You don't move when you are in REM sleep and you do when in light sleep. A smart phone can certainly detect movement via some internal doohickey.

Tonight's experiment: I am going to put my smart phone in Freckles' bed. She gets up at least twice a night so I figure I can check the times in the morning. I don't know if dogs have REM sleep or not but if my phone is really that smart, it should figure out that Freckles is a dog and not me or the wife.

If the app tracks the wife's sleep cycle while the phone is in Freckles' bed, I am going to be REALLY impressed.

The Addiverse Sleep Lab is open for business.  I'll let you know what transpires with tonight's experiment. Until then, Happy New Year and sweet dreams!