Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Paper.Friggin'.cut.

Yesterday, I went to a local hospital to visit a client who was medically hospitalized. As I'm walking in the front door, I give myself a paper cut (actually, a cardboard cut in this case) while opening my package of Trident Cinnamon gum (surely the gum of the gods). I mutter a curse word, look at the wound (wow, it's "smiling" at me--those cardboard cuts are deep!), but it's not bleeding, so I keep walking and forget about it. After all, it's just a stupid paper cut.

Well, I forget about it until I was waiting for the elevator. I'm standing there, minding my own business, alone in this little elevator area, very much removed from the hustle and bustle of the hospital. There is nothing or no one else around--just me and the three closed elevator doors. For some reason, I look down......

.....and see a big blop of very red blood on their clean, shiny floor.

Oh dear. Seems my paper cut is bleeding.

I immediately raise my hand above my head in an effort to stop the blood. As I'm standing there like the Statue of Liberty, I realize that I don't have a kleenex or paper towel or napkin or even a scrap of paper to use so I can wipe this blop of blood. It's me and the blood on the floor.

I look around. No security cameras. Good.

Suffice it to say, I left my blop of blood on the floor. It was the wrong thing to do but really, there wasn't nothing in the vicinity I could use. I guess I could have used my coat or my pant leg but that didn't seem like a good option. I figured they are a hospital--they'll know what to do when seeing a blop of blood. They have policy and procedure about these things. Someone will run and get a spill kit; someone else will get a bio hazard bag. Well, that or the janitor will smear it around next time he mops.

So, now I have a new problem--I am bleeding and it's not stopping. I don't have a band-aid. It looks ridiculous. I am trying to walk without letting the blood drip but walking this way means everyone can see my now bloody finger/hand. When I get to the person's hospital room, I stop at the sink and rinse off my hand. (Great, now I've contaminated her sink as well as the public floor.) I grab a paper towel and wrap it around my finger, keeping it up in the air as to stop the bleeding.

As the client was sleeping when I arrived, I decided to write her a note and leave her to snoring. Unfortunately, this means I have to take off the paper towel. I do this and start writing, but now I've gotten blood all over her pen. Dear God. I stop writing, take me and the pen to the sink and wash both thoroughly. For good measure, a little dab of hand sanitizer was employed. Just as I'm returning the pen, the nurse comes in and wakes her, so I am indeed able to visit with her as planned.

Here's the funny thing: I'm in a friggin' hospital and I can't get a band aid. They won't (or can't) give me one. I suppose they are like $127.95 each and have be doctor-ordered. All I want is a band-aid. Not a sling. Not stitches. Not even gauze. No medical attention. Just a band-aid!

For the record: it is impossible to get a band-aid in a hospital. I might have been able to glean a piece of scotch tape or maybe a kleenex, but not a band aid.

Made me kinda glad I left my blop of blood on the floor.
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Friday, November 26, 2010

Food Coma

It is a miracle that I can even type, considering I am still in a food coma. As usual, the wife's family outdid themselves in the Thankgsiving food department and I find myself in a food coma.

I'm pretty sure I have a food injury from all that I ate yesterday.
Anyone who worries a vegetarian won't have enough to eat on Thanksgiving is sadly mistaken. All those tasty side dishes and desserts make up for any missed turkey, gravy or meat-laden stuffing....

.....Mashed potatoes. Sweet potatoes. Candied yam potatoes. Butter-drenched hot biscuits. Corn. Truly, a carbohydrate nightmare. Green beans swimming in a sea of love. There was so much more but my food coma prohibits me from recalling the actual food consumed. It is a gustatory hallucination at this point.

Oh, and the desserts! Homemade apple pie. Homemade pumpkin pie. Vats of ice cream and lots of naughty whipped cream to top the pie. Coffee to wash down the ice cream and pie. I'm lucky I didn't take an eye out with the button on my pants.

For the record: I had Hershey kisses safely stashed in my car for the ride home, just in case....in case of what, I am not sure. I certainly wasn't starving during the drive home. Perhaps I was worried I was going to go into a diabetic coma from my blood sugar suddenly taking a carbohydrate crash.....

This year, the wife's family annual "Grateful Overload Fest" took less than an hour and no one burst into flames. That HAS to be a record. Oh, there was still crying and professing of love, but no one was sobbing and no one looked like they weren't going to make it through the ordeal. Each person spoke only a few minutes and then moved along. It was almost disappointing; after all, I wait all year to watch this love fest. I have no idea why this year was so succinct. Everyone had just as much to be grateful for this year as compared to any other year. Maybe it was that someone was video taping the event--that seemed to throw people off track.
A few refused to speak unless the camera was 0ff--good for them! (Hell if I was saying anything on camera.) I was quite surprised that the wife didn't prepare a speech, poem or powerpoint this year: she spoke off the cuff, kept it short & simple, didn't drop a tear. The two of us were queens of semi-superficial. I don't know what the hell that was all about. I just talked about my gratitude tattoo & how I am thankful to Dave Ramsey & for the wife's brother Tom. E. Hilfiger introducing me to Dave.

As for this day after, the wife is on a mission,
somewhere in Wisconsin, throwing herself among the crazed shoppers in the wee hours of the morning. Me? I stayed home, ate ice cream for breakfast and then went grocery shopping.

May I say that no one goes grocery shopping the morning after Thanksgiving? It was pure genius on my part.

My successful grocery-ing was followed by a quick trip to SmartPet to get the dogs a new toy/treat/thing (an indestructible chew-thing with some chemical-laden treat in the middle), as Lucy really seemed to enjoy chewing on Bitty Bichon's toy last night. I'm always looking for something for the Bark of Poteidaia to chew on, as she's not a big fan of bones. I was very surprised to see her chomping all over Bitty's treat, so I thought I'd get Lucy one of her own.

Of course, the $20-a-pop treat was promptly ignored by both dogs. 


This pissed me off royally--after all, I made a special trip and dropped a ridiculous amount of money on these things--so, I covered them with peanut butter and tried it again. Thankfully--for both me and them--they seemed to enjoy them much better and have since taken a semi-kinda-sorta-liking to them.

Kinda-sorta being the operative words.

I have spent the rest of my morning listening to Lucy cry/whine/squeak and fighting with my computer. I think the dog has a belly ache....probably because I gave them some cheap, non-organic, parts-is-parts filled dog food as celebration of the holiday. (I know better than to do that, but everyone should have some junk food at the holidays.) I've tried everything to get her to stop, but she is still "talking" to me. I have taken her outside, sat with her, given her a new squeaky toy, taken her outside again, taken her on a walk, offered her ice cream (that would help me, so why not her?), talked to her, yelled at her, petted her, ignored her, begged her to stop. Suffice it to say, I will be staying home for the rest of the afternoon until she stops OR I determine what is the matter with her.

No, it's not the new everlasting ball of joy. She didn't eat enough of that to do anything besides give her bad breath.

Staying home to watch the dog means I will be able to "go" shopping via the Internet, which I am all about. Well, that is if I can get my computer to cooperate. Something is up with how my computer is connecting (or, in this case, NOT connecting) with the wireless. This has happened before--the solution is to use an Ethernet cable for awhile and wait for the problem to resolve itself. It is my computer, not the router, as the wife's various equipment is working just fine. As long as the Internet shopping can commence, I will gladly sit on the floor next to the router.

Staying home doesn't help me burn off any of those four bazillion calories I consumed yesterday but it sure beats being in the crowds and fighting for parking spaces......

Oh great, I see a pile of puke. Seriously! Because I'm tethered to the router by a VERY short Ethernet cord, I have to sit somewhere I usually wouldn't sit....and, being seated at this "new" angle has put me in direct line with someone's puke....

Definitely not mine. Definitely not new. A gift from yesterday, I'm guessing. I'm thinking today's doggy gastrointestinal distress might be "older" than the cheap food. Lucy and I better go eat some more ice cream before taking care of this problem.

And so, I end here, doomed to wallow in my own food coma, doomed to wonder what the heck is wrong with Lucy, doomed to clean old puke from the carpeting. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you are ready for the onslaught of the holiday season. Until then, don't weigh yourself until after the New Year. Hope you were lucky enough to get that front row parking space.

Namaste, oh great turkey-filled friends!
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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Grat.tat.tooed

Before I get to the point of this particular blog, I have to say yeah, I went and saw Harry Potter 7, Part I this week. It was good, not as dark as I thought it would be. I loved the last book the most of all, so I was a wee bit nervous about this movie. The actors did an awesome job carrying the story, which is a good thing cuz that's basically what the story is about--them. Glad to say they ended the movie just at the right moment. with the perfect scene. I am way excited about 7 Part II. That should be the darkest, most graphic movie of the series. It's not a pretty site in the book; I can't imagine it will be fresh and pretty on screen. Is it July yet?

Since it's the week of Thanksgiving, everyone seems to be focused on the word "gratitude," as well they should be. It's almost a buzz word--of which I hope it never truly becomes, because buzz words are all hype and lost meaning and I do not want gratitude to lose it's meaning. I am all about gratitude; after all, I do have it tattooed on my chest. I ooze gratitude right now. I am a big, glowing ball of thanks. I should wear a name tag that says, "Hi, my name is Gratitude." I am sure there are people who would like to slap the gratitude right outta me.

It is a wonderful thing to have gratitude, to experience gratitude, to ooze gratitude, to be grat-tat-tooed, to know gratitude is not a buzz word.

Every morning, I take a moment to acknowledge something for which I am grateful. How do I remember to do this when I can barely remember to put on my underwear? After I take a shower, I put lotion on my gratitude tattoo...while I am rubbing the lotion in on the tattoo, I think of one thing for which I am grateful. Works like a charm.

See? Not ALL my tattoos are tacky cartoons. (Just most of 'em.)

While I get nervous about the wife's "Annual Family Thanksgiving Gratitude Fest" (the giving thanks that literally goes for hours and requires box after box of kleenex), I do appreciate their effort to verbalize their gratitude for all the wonderfulness in their lives. Having daily practice about the grateful thing comes in handy when Thanksgiving at the in-laws rolls around. For the record: I still won't say much, though. I just can't bring myself to truly "let go" in front of a bunch of in-laws. Last year I teetered on a tear. I know I'll burst into flames if I try to display all that gratitude that swims inside of me. I'll stick with surface thanks for the event.

Speaking of gratitude, here is a random blog entry about "super-gratitude." http://super-mom.com/super-gratitude I don't know this lady, haven't read her blog until about 14 minutes ago, but I liked what Super Mom had to say about super gratitude, so I thought I'd give her some free press. She seems like a positive kind of grrrrl. And, since she ends her entry with "namaste," you know I give her two thumbs up. (Many of you may remember I recently had the word "namaste" tattooed on my wrist. Here is the photo of the wrist I've been promising. The font is Courier, which is just what I wanted--simple, clean, throw back to the world of the typewriter.)

I've written about gratitude many a time before in the Addiverse, but I don't think I've ever said why I had the gratitude tattoo placed permanently where I put it; meaning, you can figure out that I have gratitude, but why not on my arm where I can see it every waking minute or where others can share in my thanks? The placement (for once) was very thought out:

I wanted it close to my heart.

When I put my hand over the tattoo, my hand is over my heart, kind of like I'm saying the pledge of Allegiance. I had so much gratitude when the wife was okay way back in December 2008 that I needed her near and dear to my heart every waking day. There she is!

(December 2008: you are on your own to search the Addiverse archives about that. You can look for the gratitude tattoo photo while you're at it.)

One of my favorite authors is Jack Canfield, the guy who did the Chicken Soup for the Soul books and the guy who is in "The Secret." Think what you will of either of those two things; I like what he has to say. Ol' Jack sends me emails now and then (okay, okay--he personally doesn't send them, but you know what I mean) and one of the most recent was about gratitude. I will include his email article about gratitude below (he says I can do that as long as I give him proper credit).

Until then, I will practice how I will be grateful if Bristol Palin wins DWTS tonight. I won't actually be grateful, but I'll have to find some good in it (like, I'm grateful this is a reality TV dance show, not the presidency).

So, here's to you, dear visitor of the Addiverse. For today, let gratitude transform you and not just be something you profess once a year.....

....and, when you eat that piece of chocolate for breakfast, give thanks to the Mayans & Aztecs for coming up with such a great product.

Namaste.
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Gratitude and Appreciation as a Secret for Success by Jack Canfield
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is founder of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul© and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success.

The best attitude you can possibly aspire to express year-round is one of gratitude and appreciation.
Being truly grateful for what is already present in your life will automatically and effortlessly attract more good into your life.
Make a conscious decision to appreciate and acknowledge all that you have already been blessed with. These emotions are of the highest vibrational frequency, and through the Law of Attraction they will attract even more to be thankful for.
Try to be grateful for even the difficult and challenging situations that arise in your life.
It is often through these situations, that we experience the most profound spiritual and emotional growth. You can learn to view each apparent obstacle as an opportunity to develop a new quality, strength, skill, insight or wisdom and be grateful for the lessons. Each challenge is an opportunity for growth and expansion.
Rise to these occasions, and appreciate all that you are learning in the process. Keeping your attitude positive and appreciative through these times will not only help to avoid attracting more of these difficult situations into your life - it will also create a field of positive energy that will attract more of what you do want.
"Of all the attitudes we can acquire, surely
the attitude of gratitude is the most important,
and by far the most life-changing."

- Zig Ziglar
A Token of Gratitude
Try carrying a small token, stone, crystal, or some other meaningful object with you each day in your pocket. Throughout the day, each time you reach into your pocket for your money or keys it will serve as a tangible reminder to stop and think of something you have to be grateful for. This is a great way to increase your awareness of all that you have to be appreciative of.
Take a moment to breathe, and really feel the emotion of gratitude. This simple mindfulness technique helps to raise your vibrational frequency and keep you in a state of constant gratitude.
Your Gratitude Journal
Start keeping a daily Gratitude and Acknowledgement journal. This is a necessary and valuable tool in the development of your growth and awareness. This book is not intended to be a long, drawn out “diary” sort of thing, just a short, simple list of things you are grateful for on that particular day. This is a place to honor and appreciate the good in your life.
Gratitude:
Each evening, before going to bed, take a few minutes to review your day. Think about the day’s events. Become aware of how many good things actually happened on that day, and remember to appreciate even the challenges that you encountered. Select the five things, or people, or events that you are most grateful for. There is no right or wrong here, just whatever, or whoever you are sincerely grateful for on that particular day. It may be the warm sun on your face, a cool breeze, a kind word, a friend, or just feeling good about what you got accomplished that day. It may be the way you handled a particular situation that would have thrown you into a tailspin in the past.
Anything you are grateful for. As you write them in your journal, feel the gratitude and appreciation. Give thanks.
Acknowledgement:
Take a moment to acknowledge the changes that are occurring for you personally. Write them down. Acknowledge just how well the Law of Attraction is working in your life. Write down any specific event where the Law of Attraction was at work- the parking space you envisioned, the meeting you wanted to schedule, the bonus check you received, the grade you wanted, the person who said yes when you asked them out.
Miracles can and do occur on a daily basis. They are happening all around you. Honor them, and notice them. Through acknowledgement, you will become more and more aware of the amazing synchronicity that is already at work in your life.
Make the time you spend in contemplation and writing in your Gratitude and Acknowledgement journal a sacred part of your daily routine.
Your continued expressions of joy and gratitude will draw even greater joy, love and abundance into your life.
You will begin to notice a change in your perception of each day‘s events. You will become more aware of the positive things that happen all around you every single day. Your focus will shift, your energy will shift, and you will begin to appreciate how blessed you already are. And … the Law of Attraction will respond to the higher vibration you are creating.
Enjoy the journey.
Live each day in joy and gratitude.
* * *
In our desire to make this easier for you we have created a beautiful Gratitude journal that you can utilize for this purpose. It contains pages for daily entries of what you are grateful for and weekly inspirational quotes. It also has blank pages for you to record any personal acknowledgements of how the Law of Attraction is working in your life. You can order a copy from www.jackcanfield.com
© 2010 The Canfield Training Group
All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A New Kind of Shock and Awe

Sorry about the posting delay. Between my computer woes and both dogs puking, it's put me behind schedule. I must have been booted off my computer at least thirty times last night. I finally waved the white flag and did something more productive: I watched the semi-finals of Dancing with the Stars.

Here is a warning, a LOUD warning to all you readers who happen to align with Democrats, the ones who tend to be liberal or at least somewhat left-leaning in their political thinking:

The Republicans have a new kind of shock and awe: Bristol Palin.

This is a two-fold smarty pants use of the phrase so deliciously tied to Dubya: One, it is shocking and leaves me in awe that a mediocre dancer is in the finals of DWTS....a non-star whose claim to fame isn't really that she is an unwed mother professing the merits of abstinence, but rather that she has a conservative, Republican-darling of a mother who has captivated more people than I would like to admit; secondly, Democrats are about to get a whole 'nother level of shock and awe come 2012 if things don't change.

People, THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL.


The Republicans have taken over the House and they have taken over Dancing with the Stars.

There is power in voting
.


If you didn't believe that before, maybe this will slap you in the head.

Bristol obviously didn't win because of her dancing; she won because the "Right" has been voting like there is no tomorrow. And, there won't be a tomorrow if the "Left" doesn't get off its sorry ass and do something.

I am not here to trash a young women. I am not here to trash "She-who-must-not-be-named." I am here to trash us. If you are a Republican who voted for Bristol BECAUSE she is Sarah's daughter and because you want to send a message, I applaud you.

Of course, the thought that I am writing about a reality TV show as related to politics scares me, but it's true. We are a shallow bunch of people. We sit around and are consumed by TV, especially the reality time. I am guilty as the rest. We have become a cartoon of ourselves. Like it or not, the Tea Party is mighty smart. They may be divisive, they might be way out there, they may be scaring even their own party, but they have mobilized and they know how to vote. The "Right" is rising up and they have the power, the momentum.

Why do I care? Why do the results of a TV show have me all befuckled?

Because I like my civil rights. I like not having to worry I am going to be fired or denied my housing because whom I love. I may not be able to get married or have a civil union, but at least I can keep my job in the state of Illinois.

Don't be rolling your eyes at me. There are plenty of States where it is perfectly legal to fire someone if they are gay. It wasn't that long ago that employers in the Illinois could do the same thing. Remember me being told I was "too gay" at a previous job (whatever the hell that means)? That was perfectly legal. I don't want to go back to those days. I don't want to go backwards at all. I like basic, human rights. The Tea Party has a whole different view on this.

And so, we have a new kind of shock and awe: shock that someone who can't dance and who isn't a star is in the finals of a TV show; awe at the prospect that a group of people has such power to accomplish this.

Come 2012, don't make me say, "I told you so." Take heed. The future is now and the future is speaking.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

E....F...P....T....O....Z

I went for an eye exam today. As I have been wearing glasses since first grade, this is not traumatic, exciting, novel, foreign, fun, not fun. It is what it is. It's an eye exam.

Getting an eye exam was a HUGE event when I was a kid. First off, it was always awesome to get new lenses. I would always exclaim, "I can see to CHINA!" when I'd don that new pair. Secondly, it meant a special trip to see the 15o year old eye guy who looked like Tim Conway. How could you not love that? Third, it meant I could pick out new frames. New glasses were always a good thing. Since I was usually breaking or bending or chipping or warping my glasses, new ones were quite the treat. Finally, going for an eye exam meant we would get to walk through Goldblatt's to get back to the car--I always loved that because I could see all the sale signs with my new glasses--it WAS like being able to see to China!

Being as I am blind as a bat, I literally cannot see the chart, let alone the biggest letter on the chart. The doctor, always thinking this is funny, says "read me the letters you can see" and then laughs. He always waits a beat....laughs....then adds, "I know you can't see the chart!"

As if I didn't know he didn't know that.

Now that I've become more mature (read: older), I also have to do the reading glasses test. The doctor puts the contraption in front of my face, chuckles, and delightfully squeaks out, "read me what you can." I can't read those letters, either--although, I can see the letter "E" so I suppose I should be happy I can at least see the chart. He knows I can't read them and thus he has another laugh.

Somehow, his eyeball humor is always lost on me. Maybe it's because I've had glasses for so long. Maybe it's because I've heard his same "jokes" since 1987.

While I was seated in the waiting room, in the landing pattern waiting my turn, I got to overhear senior after senior ask for "those Sarah Palin Glasses." I kid you not. The place was hopping with seniors who all wanted those Sarah Palin Glasses. I'm not sure if she should be tickled pink or insulted.

I was surprised to learn that my eyesight has worsened, both my nearsightedness and my reading ability. (It's a cruel world where you can't see close OR far.) I didn't think things had changed until he demonstrated my current prescription with the one I chose ("one......or, two.......one.......or, two"). I was rather stunned.....

.....but, not as stunned as I was when I got the bill for the new glasses. Woof!


Alas, glasses are something I wear everyday and certainly cannot live without; so, once I got past the sticker shock, I was all good with it.

To pick out glasses and actually see what I might look like while wearing said glasses is impossible for me--I have to pick out the frames I like, have other people give their opinion and then go with what I figure is the best fit. Kinda sucks. I do try and get an idea--I put the frames on and put my face up to the mirror--sometimes, I end up leaving a nose print on the mirror because that's how close I basically have to get to see what is going on with the frames. This time, I employed the wife's help. Between her comments and my knowledge of what I need in a pair of glasses (the smallest lens I can get, the sturdiest frame, the comfortable fit, the in-style factor), I picked out a frame without too much fanfare. If I didn't have to get small lenses, I would have picked out something much more wild. With my prescription, I have to stay small. My face is already distorted enough with the little frames--I look like a blind bug with anything bigger.

Of course, I can't go too small or they can't fit the whole tri-focal thing in the frame. Oh, my achin' myopia!

It'll take a few days, if not a week or more, to get my new glasses as they have to special order the lenses. I'm all good with that, too. After all, when I do finally get to pick them up, I'll be able to see to China from the parking lot....

.....just like Sarah can see Russia out her back door.

No wonder all those seniors want Sarah Palin glasses......
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Thursday, November 04, 2010

Voting: It's Snot Funny

I rely on Feedblitz to email me my posts (yeah, i read my own blog. Pathetic, isn't it?). I didn't receive my last two entries...the ones about the jury duty antics & the new furnace. I would HATE you to miss one billionth of a second of the Addiverse, so, if you too rely on Feedblitz, please go to the blog, directly to the blog. Of course, if there is something wrong with Feedblitz, you won't be reading this, either.

I don't have much profundity today because I have a cold and thus my brain cells are filled with snot, which makes it hard to think. The watery eyes make it hard to see the screen and taking time to hack all those fur balls distracts me from staying on task. I feel great, though--just sound terrible. I have gone through a gallon of Germ-X, so I am doing my civic duty in keeping my germs to myself.

Speaking of civic duty, have I ever posted this illustration before? It makes me laugh every time I look at it. I suppose I shouldn't be laughing, considering the outcome of this week's elections. Republicans, I bow to you. Good luck with fixing everything. My words of wisdom to you are: "be careful for what you ask." They are now the proud owner of all those problems they've been bitching about.

Our neighbor is Republican--gasp! we live in a mixed neighborhood--so she's gloating. I will gladly taunt her when the Republicans can't do any better (and, they can't--people, we need to work together!). Ms. Gay Republican (almost an oxymoron, isn't it?) has a liberal, Democrat of a partner. As you can imagine, Ms. Gay Dem is not entertained by Ms. Gay Rep. (a mixed marriage in a mixed neighborhood--the horror!) and has made it clear to this partner that when we as gay people lose our basic rights--which Ms. Gay Dem is sure will happen with the onslaught of Righties--we will all remind her that she voted for this and did this to "us."

Could get mighty entertaining in our neck of the woods.

Remember: "I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

I wish I could say I got all excited and fired up about this election, but I didn't. Maybe it is because I have a cold. Maybe it's because I knew it the country would swing way right no matter what I voted. Maybe I just got sick and tired of all those robo-mated phone calls we got inundated with every night. No matter. I didn't get passionate about much of anything with this time around.

I did have an unsettling "voting experience" where my little voter card thingy was gone by the time I got at the polling place to vote. That made me really nervous--who the hell voted for me before I got there? I was able to vote provisionally. The experience went like this:

Me: Hand driver's license to the Electioneer.

Crusty old Electioneer #1 (to Crusty old Electioneer #2): "I dunno where her card is. She is on this list and is at the right polling place." (Electioneer points to the book where everyone's voting doohickey is supposed to be.)

Crusty old Electioneer #2 (to me): "Are you at the right polling place?" (Studies my driver's license.)

Me: (Politely point after snorting a fur ball.) "My name is right there, at the top of your list." (It pays to have a last name with the letter "A." I am always at the top of every list. I can easily see my name and address. Score!)

Crusty old Electioneer #3: (eyeballing my license, then eyeballing the list, then eyeballing me) "Yes, there she is."

Crusty old Electioneer #1: "Well, her card isn't here. Have you already voted?"

A big groan is heard from the line behind me. I am holding up traffic.

Me: "No, I haven't voted yet." (In the background a cell phone rings. Thankfully, it is not mine.)

Crusty old Electioneer #2: (yelling) "NO CELL PHONES AT THE POLLING PLACE! TURN OFF THAT CELL PHONE! SOMEONE'S PHONE IS RINGING!"

Crusty old Electioneer #3: "I don't know what to do. What do we do?"

More groans.

Crusty old Electioneer #4: (looking very annoyed and disgusted) "COME OVER HERE."

I shuffle toward the end of the table.

Crusty old Electioneer #4: "Have you already voted?"

I want to say something smarty pants like, "Well, we DO live in the state where the motto is vote early and vote often," but I politely answer, "No."

I also want to ask what the hell happened to my little voter doohickey thing but decide to remain mute. I sneeze on Electioneer #4.

Crusty old Electioneer #4: (growls.) "FILL THIS OUT."

And, so I did. I am not sure they gave me a "real" ballot, but they did hand me something, so I am hopeful that my non-tea party-based ballot did indeed count for something.

It is my hope that we know who the governor of Illinois is going to be by the end of my cold......

.....knowing the ways of Illinois politics, we probably won't know until the end of Cold and Flu season.

Snotty? Yes. I vote someone hand me a Kleenex.
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