Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Little Bitty


Little bitty house and a little bitty yard, little bitty dog and a little bitty car......thank you, Alan Jackson.

We've got a little bitty to talk about. 

  Thought you regular readers might like to see a photo of the garden that included (1) the marigolds; (2) the little fence; and, (3) Bitty Bichon (who is much less Bitty now that she has gained several ounces, if not a pound). I think Bitty's a little wary of sitting near the garden, as that "invisible fence" probably still gives her nightmares. I'm surprised she doesn't have "grill marks" on her nose from running into that fence last week.

Freckles is still quite enamored by Bitty, as incredibly evidenced by her willingness to let 
Bitty jump, bite, chase, push, pull, bark at/on her. It's a lot of work for an almost ten year old dog to keep up with a puppy. After a half hour, I usually have to take Freckles home so she doesn't have a heart attack or pass out from exhaustion.

BTW, the garden project is going swimmingly-- the onions are out of control. Score one for me and Garden Grrrrl

Then, there's Lucy. Poor Lucy Bark of Poteidaia. She hates Bitty Bichon. Here is a photo of her hiding under Cheeseball Neighbor/Garden Grrrrl's kitchen table. If there were sound, you would hear Lucy growling. We don't know what happened to Lucy but suffice it to say that Bitty is not jumping, biting, chasing, pushing, pulling, barking at/on Lucy. I'm not sure all the doggy therapy in the world could save this situation. Lucy has a little bitty Little Bitty Bichon problem and there's nothing to stop the madness.
Yesterday, I went to the State Capitol.....in a professional capacity. I went there to lobby for money. Why else does an adult go to the State Capitol? Anyways, I put on my business suit (like everyone else in Springfield--black business suits abound), bought some DD coffee, hit the road... lobbied with the best of them (okay, not really--I'm not really someone who lobbies--I don't really believe in lobbying, but I want money for the place of which I do not speak), grabbed a free bagel and left as soon as humanly possible. Unfortunately, in my hurry to escape the world of politics, I missed a big event--it may be little bitty to you but to me it was big. I missed a politician stand up in front of all her cronies (and trust me, the place was packed with heterosexuals extraordinaire) and announce her pending wedding....to a woman. 

Bet that was quite the announcement. Sheesh! I was in town, I was in the building, I was standing right outside the Chambers. In my hurry to get back home (there is only so long I can pretend to lobby), I left....not knowing what I was about to miss. Now, I have to read about it on the web and hear it on the news instead of seeing it in person. So close, yet so far. To see what I would have seen: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/28/rep-deb-mell-announces-en_n_555592.html 

 I am so not gonna get invited to their bridal shower, seeing as I missed the announcement while being within feet of the event. Bad gay! I'm gonna hafta go get a little bitty bit of therapy along with Lucy. 



  We had some little bitty winds blow through town today.
Okay, so it was a bit more than a little bit windy--it was 50 MPH windy. Unfortunately, Garden Grrrrl and Cheeseball neighbor no longer have a basketball hoop, as it is now in their tree. If you look closely, you can see that the wind was so hard that it literally bent the base of the basketball hoop. (If you look even more closely, you can see Brown Dog's butt & stubby tail in the lower left hand corner.) Thankfully, the hoop fell toward the tree and away from the Lexus. You have to admit that's a mighty wind! .....even more wind than I experienced at the State Capitol....and, that was a lot of wind.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Garden a-go go

Spring has sprung in the Addiverse.
Here's just a small "taste" of what's in bloom around the yard. The trees in the back yard have gone crazy--the flowering crabs, flowering cherries and kwanzan cherry trees are in full allergen production. My eyes water just looking at all those tree pollens. I threw in a photo of some bleeding hearts just because I like them.

Be warned, you evil Japanese Beetles! We spent some time today pouring poison into the ground (so much for Earth Day and drinking moldy coffee in recycled Styrofoam cups)--I am determined not to face the wrath of Japanese Beetles again this year and thus poured the very expensive fertilome drench around our trees. I have much hope that those critters will be in fewer droves this summer. We've spent a boatload of money and spilled vats of chemicals to ensure a smaller infestation. Time will tell. I.hate.those.things. They make me crazy.

We've only had one gardening mishap this spring and that was the "freezing of the Marigolds." You can see they don't look so good. I affirm they will be just fine. Why, you might ask, did I buy marigolds so early in the season? (Or, why did I buy them at all, you ask if you are the wife. She is not a fan of marigolds, not that she has a marigold phobia or bias. She did not grow up with marigolds and thus does not have the same affinity I have for these little gems.) Well, me and the gaybor planted a garden and I heard that marigolds keep the bunnies away.....and, we want to do everything to keep the bunnies away from our new garden!

Yes, you read that right: I am in the midst of my first vegetable garden. Garden Grrrrl (who is Bitty Bichon's mom and used to be called Chisky Grrrrl and then was called Queen of Connections and who from this moment forward be called Garden Grrrrl) and I got ourselves all a-titter with the idea of growing our own veggies. (Does this make us a co-op?) Neither of us has ever grown a garden, so I'm sure we are fodder for the wife and the neighbors. We just woke up one day (in our separate beds, in our own houses, sillies) and both thought it would be an awesome idea to have a garden. We have dreams of grandeur. We picture mouth-watering, fresh, delicious veggies on our plates by the end of the summer.

Did I mention neither of us has ever planted a "real" garden before? Oh sure, I've grown plants. I know how to weed the wife's gardens. I even designed my own "mailbox garden" last summer. But, a real veggie garden? Not so much. I've used an avocado pit to "grow" a plant (come on, admit it--you've taken an avocado pit, put some tooth picks in it and stuck it in a half glass of water), but that's not growing a garden.

So, this is our garden. If you look closely you can see the little wire fence surrounding the beautifully-tilled soil (hopefully you can see it better than Bitty Bichon, who did not see it and ran nose first right into it). You can also see the fake bunny (the wife's garden statue, stolen from another area in her floral gardens).....Fake bunny is strategically placed to (1) scare away real bunnies; and, (2) fill the hole where the fence ends. I'm not sure it will fulfill either of those duties but it's worth a shot. This photo was taken before the planting of the marigolds, so you'll have to wait for the garden update photo to enjoy those little plants of gold. It's not a very big garden--we may be ignorant but we're not stupid. Start small, work our way up.

The garden is technically on three different properties---ours, gaybors' and on the unknown neighbor (who we've only seen on a rare occasion, usually wearing a neck brace, a winter parka and a big woolen hat). That's her wooden fence in the background. We figure she never comes out of the yard, so she'll never know what the hell we're doing on her property. If she gives us trouble, will send Bitty Bichon after her.

I will tell you that ripping out all of that grass was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I had dirt in my sinus cavities for a week after surviving that ordeal. It's quite disturbing to blow your nose and have dirt come out.

We had a moment of excitement when I hit a buried cable while digging. Don't tell JULIE! I had, at one moment before digging, asked aloud if I should call before digging but then thought otherwise; after all, I had JULIE out last year and thought I remembered where all the wires in the yard are placed. Um, guess I forgot about the cable wire. Thankfully, I just nicked the piss out of it--I didn't sever it and the cable still worked and I wasn't electrocuted, so I guess all is well in the gardening world. (Next year, when we expand our garden, I will call and have JULIE come mark everything. I promise. You read it here.)

Because we are garden virgins, we really don't know what we should actually try to grow. I thought zucchini, only because I've heard they are really easy to grow. We settled on things like onions, peppers of various sorts, herbs of this or that, greens, tomatoes, etc. It's early, so we may get crazed and grow something really fun. Asparagus, anyone?

Because we are still teetering on the frosty time of year, we really can't plant much just quite yet. We know you serious gardeners have already planted your gardens and protect them as needed on those colder nights, but Garden Grrrrl and I don't have time for such nonsense. We are going to employ patience and wait to plant things (which is absolutely painful to me--I want to plant NOW!). Thankfully, Garden Grrrl put some onions in last week and I got to carefully place the marigolds today....so, I am feeling patient for the moment. I'll focus on weeding everything in site until it's time to plant some veggies.....

.....While I was out there planting the marigolds today, I saw the most wonderful thing--a small green sprig of an onion was oh-so-slightly peeking out of the soil. That's almost as exciting as getting my Lady Gaga ticket in the mail. I can almost taste our fresh summer salads!

You do know that if our garden is a disaster, I will go to a farmer's market, buy some veggies and literally throw them into our garden so I can at least pretend we grew something......

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Moldy Coffee & Other Such Ramblings on Earth Day

Happy Earth Day! To all you who believe in global warming, may you enjoy this day as you work to save the earth. To all you who think global warming is a crock of shit, may you enjoy this day before all the polar bears drown in the now-unfrozen seas.

Is it wrong that I saw mold in my coffee this morning and drank it, anyways?

Seems I didn't do a very good job cleaning out my recycled Donuts Dunkin' styrofoam cup last week (I save them and reuse them in an effort to soothe my feelings of guilt regarding the use of styrofoam and in an effort to save the earth, one cup at a time). Before pouring in the coffee, I did notice that there was something in the cup but I didn't really take more than a milli-second to look or think--I just poured the coffee in, put the top on (I save those, too) and went to work. Imagine my surprise when I took the lid off and saw greenish mold swimming around in the cup.

As I have no time for such nonsense, I scooped out the offending mold and drank the coffee. My coffee wasn't chewy, so I must've done a good job of getting the big chunks out.

As of this moment, I seem no worse for the wear. I think I shall say I drank the moldy coffee in honor of Earth Day. Besides, it's like taking penicillin, so it can't be tooooo bad....right?

The other day, the news station came to my office to interview me (for the place of which I do not speak). I always keep a "dress outfit" in my office for such kind of things--for those days I'm at the "casual end of business casual" spectrum. Knowing the camera crew was in the parking lot, heading my way, I grabbed my black dress pants, hanging neatly behind my office door, go to put them on....and....forgetting that I have had them hanging there for a year....

They don't fit.

Damn peri-menopause! Damn changing body shape! Damn McD's ice cream!


There was no way I could convince the button to go anywhere near the button hole. I was lucky any of the zipper would cooperate.

So, I did the best I could, considering I couldn't button them or even zip them the whole way.
I kept my hands in front of my zipper area and started talking. Thankfully, they ended up shooting the footage from the neck up and let me sit at my desk.

Suffice it to say I will be taking a different, larger-sized pair of pants to hang in my office.

The Madonna episode on Glee was genius. Of course, my bias as a Madonna whore might be showing, but I think anyone who grew up with Madonna music could appreciate the genius of the episode. I'm not even a big Glee fan--I love the singing, but I'm not impressed with story lines such as the fake pregnancy thing. Sue Sylvester (aka Jane Lynch) stole the show with quotes such as, "A la Madonna, I'll no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names" and "I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first."

Genius! I profess my love for Jane Lynch and for Madonnaglee.

If you missed the episode, no worries--you can always go to the Internet and check it out....or, just wait for reruns....or, come over--I have it on DVR. (BTW, I was one of the "smart people" who set the DVR to record the next show, as I figured it might "run over." Ha! All the peeps who "only" recorded Glee missed at least the last song, if not more. Don't worry--I'll share it with you if you want to see it.)

I hear they are planning a second Madonna-based episode--this time maybe Madge will stop in. I'm not sure if a second episode is a good idea--how do you top genius? Genius squared? Uber- genius? Genius gone wild? The only way to top it is to have Madonna perform in the show. Seriously.

WWMD--What Would Madonna Do? She would tell me to stop drinking moldy coffee, to go buy some new pants and to get ready for a Sue Sylvester/Madonna smack down.

I know where my money will be.

--

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tattooed Grandmas & Secret Agent Housewives

Yesterday, I got a photo text from the wife, who was in the Cheddarlands visiting her mom.
I almost drove off the road when I took a peek at the photo (sigh, yes I did answer my text while driving--don't tell Oprah--I really am trying to mend my ways), as it was a photo of her mom's ankle....complete with new tattoo. Yes, a tattoo. Yes, a brand new spankin' tattoo on a conservative, previously-anti-tattoo 69 year old grandmother.

Cheddarland Grandma ROCKS!


It's a small cross on the inside of the ankle, but it's not so small that I would EVER think it wimpy. I am so impressed I can barely stand it. That lady has come miles. I can't believe it. First, she accepts her daughter. Then, she kinda-sorta accepts me. Then, she gets a tattoo! What could be next? If she gets a girl friend, votes Democratic or says she has changed her mind and now likes Michelle Obama, I am so outta here.

Side note: This photo of a 90 year old grandma sporting her new Pittsburg Steelers tattoo is obviously NOT the wife's mom (she'd have a Green Bay G tattoo), but rather someone else's grandma, as displayed on http://deadspin.com. I just liked the idea of having an actual photo of a tattooed grandma to go with the story.

I know my Wild Mama would rock a tattoo. Maybe for her next birthday (which is on my license plate, which is now on my car, which rocks almost as much as a grandma with a tattoo) I can buy her a tattoo for her gift. I do believe she has previously mentioned a small butterfly on her shoulder......

The wife's take on this? She finds it hysterical. "How many families do you know where the 69 year old mom is the first in the entire family to get a tattoo?"

For those of you who are ALWAYS saying, "yeah, but what about when you are 80 years old?" I point to tattooed grandmas and say, "yeah, what about it?"

While the wife was busy staring at her mom's new tattoo, I was busy playing Secret Agent Housewife. I told the wife that I would be having all sorts of fun while she was gone (which was true because I had a lunch date with dear friend Gryffendor and had plans to attend a college event later in the day), throwing her off my "scent." As soon as she got out the door and as soon as I got off Book de la Face, I went into action. Fun would have to wait--I had plans. I heard the garage door shut....Operation Secret Housewife went into full mode. I thought it would be a great surprise for her to come home and find all the "chores" she does on during the weekend had been completed.

For those of you who have been reading this blog for a few years, you know that I have some housewife-ish talents, as demonstrated during the Operation Housewife after the wife's hysterectomy (of which I am sure she wishes I would not speak). It's not that I don't want to help her. It's just that she gets it all done before I finish my morning cup of Dunkin D coffee and complete my wait to poop. (Don't ask. Trust me. You don't want me cleaning when I am supposed to be sitting and waiting to poop.) There is no waiting for me--she just busts a move and does it.

She's a busy girl, that wife of mine. Weekends include things like washing the floors (by hand--I don't understand this! why not get a mop?!!) and dusting various parts of the house. She really wanted the dogs to get a bath this weekend and was not happy they didn't get one before she departed for the Cheddarlands. So, while she was on her way to see her parents, I ran to the store, got some groceries. I gave the dogs a bath. I vacuumed the house. I dusted this and that. I washed the damn floors by hand. I cleaned the bathrooms, including the toilets. I would have done the wash had there been there enough.

I do not expect any accolades, as I did nothing special besides give the wife a surprise. I took photos because I thought it would be really funny to post on Book de la Face (which turned out to be quite funny, indeed). Although I hate to admit it, I know how to do all these chores and would gladly do most of them on a regular basis. I do the vacuuming and grocery shopping, so I'm not that far from housewife glory. A nice surprise, a good laugh, better smelling dogs....nothing more. (Of course, I would want to do housework in my own time and on my own schedule, which would not be on the wife's schedule, which would thus not work out. Ah, the joys of two exact opposites being in a relationship.)

I'm not sure which was more surprising to the wife: that her mom got a tattoo or that she came home to clean dogs and a clean house. Either way, I don't think she was as surprised as the rest of her family is gonna be when they see their mom sporting a tattoo....

Leviticus 19:28, anyone?
********************************************************************

Monday, April 12, 2010

Embracing My Inner Republican

I dedicate this blog to NRA grrrrl, who is a rock star in my book. Here's to balancing my portfolio, so to speak.

This was a hard blog to write. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to behave. It's hard for me to be of a Republican nature. It was important I embrace my Inner Republican, but it was really tough--much harder than I anticipated. I had moments I thought I was going to veer off my Republican path. I worked hard to not post inappropriate photos or to be a smarty pants. Alas, I reeeeally wanted to do NRA grrrrl right. I wanted to respect her and her peeps. Sometimes, you just have to be respectful and knock it off. After all, if you want respect, you gotta give respect.

I keep telling myself, "Abraham Lincoln was a Repbulican and look how awesome he was." Ted Nugent is a Republican. Dr. Phil is a Republican. Heather Locklear is a Republican. I can do this!

A few weeks ago, I went on a Book de la Face un-friending spree. Suffice it to say, I had had just about enough of everybody and everything, especially those who were actually posting things of substance. I got overwhelmed by all the seriousness--I needed stupid, no-brain-cell-usage kind of friends. It wasn't one side of the fence or the other--I was equal opportunity frustrated. Some people I un-friended; others, I outright blocked. (The ones I outright blocked were the problem children from the place I do not speak. Adios and good riddance, I say. They earned their blocking.)

Call it a hormonal rage, call it a moment of weakness, call it sophomoric. I call it problem solving in a pinch.....

The wife calls it "junior high school."

For the record, had I realized I could just "hide" people's posts, I would have done that. It would have been a LOT easier than un-friending, it would be a temporary fix/vacation and it would have served as a great way to temper my temper. But, no--click! click! click! Un-friending a go-go.

Does anyone else think it's funny (ironic?) that this really passionate & opinionated writer was irritated by other passionate, opinionated people? Tolerance. I lost a grip of any shred of tolerance simmering deep within my soul. Must've seeped right out my ass when I wasn't looking. I forgot my inner Abraham Lincoln, my oneness with Heather Locklear.

Anyways....I had totally forgotten about the unfriending spree until I got a message yesterday from one of the peeps I had actually ripped from my friend list. Stunned me right out of my pants. I give this lady HUGE props. HUGE. I mean it is SO not junior high to inquire about this.

(Actually, I can't remember who I actually unfriended, so it was nice to figure out one of the people that I had chopped. I'd like to re-friend some more people but I can't remember who was on the chopping block and thus I have to wait for them or wait for some distant memory to come rushing to the front of my brain.)

This person is a conservative. A Republican. A Tea Party-er!

And, I am here to tell you--she is also quite the woman. Seriously. I'd say that whether or not she belonged to the NRA. I won't quote what she said--suffice it to say what she wrote was just so nice I could vote for Ronald Reagan on a $50 bill.

So, I have a new old friend and I'm embracing my inner Republican....for the next 30 minutes. You didn't think this would be an on-going thing, did you? After thirty, I'll work on being a tolerant, educated, balanced human being.

Just don't ask me to say anything nice about Ann Coulter. There's only so much I can embrace at one time.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

WWMD II: Mulching for Gaga

If you haven't read the previous post first, you probably should do so. It's a chronological thing. If you don't care about order of events, are too lazy to scroll down and then scroll up or really don't worry about mundane things, it's all good--life will go on no matter what you decide to do and the blog will be just as delightful either way.

The Universe has spoken: a Lady Gaga Ticket is in hand! Was there a doubt? I decided to take a few minute break at the place of which I do not speak, try three times on that ticket-buying website, see if the Universe did or didn't have Gaga in mind for me.

It was destiny. I threw people out of my office (yelling things like, "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE-- I'M TRYING TO BUY GAGA TICKETS!"), jumped on the web site, tried two times and WA-LA! The opportunity to buy a ticket for face value was presented to me. Three minutes later, I was back to work, now giddy with delight about my decision & purchase.

The Universe rocks.
In order to make such a purchase, I had to make some choices. One was to spread ten yards of mulch on my own instead of pay someone to do it. The wife paid for the mulch; I "paid" for the labor by doing it on my own (saving us the $150 it would have cost--more than the cost of my ticket, fees, parking, gas). I've spread mulch before, but it's been a few years. I've seen a ten-yard pile of mulch before, but it's been a few years.....

I wish you could have seen my face when I came out of the garage and around the corner and I saw that ten-yard pile of mulch. I literally gasped and the "F" word came to mind. Ten-yards of mulch is a LOT more than I remember it to be. The photo on my Gaga ticket about does no justice to how big the pile was--it was literally five feet tall (this photo was taken after I had spread some of the mulch--I decided to take a phone photo before becoming delirious).

Suffice it to say, I mulched and mulched and mulched til the cows came home (and, went back out). At one point, I remember thinking, "ten years ago, I would have been done by now;" at another point, I remember hallucinating that Carrie Underwood had just jogged by. Whenever I became discouraged, I would think about Lady Gaga and how this was paying for the concert. I was also motivated to keep moving by the Carrie Underwood concert later in the evening--chores need to be done before seeing a farm girl in concert.

Thankfully, Gaybor Pebbles (I'm going to call her that today in honor of her hair do), Bitty Bichon and Brown dog came over, which served as a great distraction, the perfect reason to take a break and eat a McD sundae, served as a new audience to which I could whine. Gaybor Pebbles was dumb enough, er I mean generous enough to offer to help. Fool! Hell, she's 15 years younger than me, so I didn't feel too badly about her helping with the Gaga mulch project. Besides, we were going to the Carrie Concert with them; her help ensured I would be ready, fresh and pretty by the time dinner time rolled around.

We shoveled, we wheel-barrowed, we dumped, we spread. Mulch got in my eyes, sinuses, ears, shoes. I think I heard a muscle scream around 3 PM but I did not let it stop me. Lady Gaga kept me moving.

By the time 4 PM came around, I was screaming for Jesus to take the wheel.

Incredibly, the pile was gone, done, spread. I had plenty of time to pick the mulch out of my ears, shower, get to dinner on time and be at the concert with time to spare. The Gaybors, Master Pastor Reiki, Blue Eyes and the wife had a grand time at the Carrie concert.

Side note: The Carrie concert was quite wonderful. Her singing has improved tremendously since the last time we saw her, she played a very generous two-hour, song packed set, she was engaging, real and warm. Having Craig Morgan open for her didn't hurt, either. Thankfully, it was a really tame, seated, well-behaved crowd--I don't think I could have remained standing during the whole concert nor do I think I could have danced like I usually do at concerts. I was a hurting pup, a tired dog.

Side side note: I was confused by the crowd--I'm used to standing, dancing, thrashing, beer spilling, swearing, singing, hurting from how loud the music is--not sitting and politely clapping. Usually, I would have hated that but in this case it was very helpful. (I did stand up when Carrie came out and was ready to dance, but the dirty looks shamed me into sitting right back down.)

Was it worth it? Was it worth a Lady Gaga ticket to spread ten yards of mulch?

Do you really have to ask? Of course it was! Gaga is worth ten yards of mulch.

Eleven....probably not. Ten....definitely. Here's hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow.

Friday, April 09, 2010

WWMD?

It's Friday. I find myself asking, "What would Madonna do?"

Here's what's going on in my head at this very moment. Picture me sitting at my desk, drinking DD coffee, arguing with myself:

Addi One: "Lady Gaga tickets go on sale today."

Addi-Tude: "Really? I'd love to see Lady Gaga. What a performance that would be!"

One: "I know! And, in Milwaukee to boot. A great venue, less traffic, friendlier drivers, same driving time as Chicago."

Tude: "Pre-sale tickets are all over the 'Net. Real sales start today at 10 AM. Reasonable prices, if you compare to a Madonna concert."

One: "Don't EVER compare anything to a Madonna Concert."

Tude: "True dat."

One: "I was on last night, looking at tickets. MJagger's already got her ticket, so I need to jump on this. It's just...it's just that....."

Tude: "Just what?"

One: "Well, there's those new appliances. And, the new floor will be put in within a few weeks. I won't even mention wanting new glasses or my need to visit the dentist."

TUDE: "OH.MY.GOD!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU?"

One: "Huh?"

TUDE: "Where is this ridiculous thinking coming from? You only live once! You're not getting any younger, you know. For god's sake, you don't need glasses or teeth! You need Gaga!"

One: "Well, I'd like to keep my teeth."

TUDE: "You are a concert whore. This is no time to be thinking about teeth or glasses."

One: "I won't be able to see Lady Gaga without glasses."

TUDE: "Oh, for god's sake, don't be a drama queen. You have plenty of old glasses. Get floor tickets and you'll see her just fine. Take those bird watching binoculars with you. Stop being wimpy and reasonable!"

One: "Well, Dave Ramsey & Suze Orman would say I shouldn't even think about going unless I can pay outright for the tickets....and, we're getting mulch this weekend. Mulch is expensive. What about all those birthdays and graduations coming up?"

TUDE: "What kind of abundance thinking is this? Forget WWMD--think WWUD--what would Unity do? They would tell you to focus on abundance and prosperity. Stop this don't-have-enough-thinking. Do I have to call Master Pastor Reiki to slap you into shape? What do Dave and Suze know? They're not concert whores. They don't get it. GAGA!"

One: "Hmmmm. I like the abundance-thinking."

TUDE: "Either buy tickets or, in the words of the Peas, Take your broke ass home!"

One: "Well, my car IS almost paid off. The wife has made a reasonable appliance payment plan for me. MJagger is really fun at concerts. My teeth can wait a few more months.....I'll floss more.

TUDE: "And, look at how much you are now saving for retirement! I'm so proud of you. Those tires will be paid off in no time. Come on--what would Madonna do?"

One: "I forgot about the tires.....!"

TUDE: "STOP IT! WHAT WOULD MADONNA DO?

One: "She'd Gaga."

TUDE: "EXACTLY!"


One: "Well, she's a zillionaire."

TUDE: "Piss on that! Abundance! Prosperity! Positive thinking! Don't think Madonna--DO as Madonna!"

One: "Has anyone seen my credit card?"

TUDE: "SCORE!"

One: "Maybe if I leave it up to the Universe.... I'll call a few time and get tickets. If I can get them for 'real' prices and I can get through, it will be a sign from the Universe that I should go."

TUDE: "SCORE SQUARED! The Universe wants you happy."

One: "Gaga!"

TUDE: "That's the Addi Warrior Princess I know and love. Madonna would be so proud! The Universe is all a-glow for you."

One: "I embrace my inner concert-whore-ness. Gaga gaga gaga!"

TUDE: "You get the tickets, Gaga will bring the fun."

One: "We'll see what 10 A.M. brings....."

TUDE: "It's gonna bring you sweet Gaga tickets. And, just you watch. The Universe is going to bring you the means to pay for it with ease. You have unlimited abundance. The Universe gets pissy when you don't trust in it. Trust me! Your teeth are fine. Your eye site is fine. The appliances are fine."

One: "That's why I love you."

TUDE: "I won't tell you that I love you; Kiss or hug you; Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin; I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning..."

One: "Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm; Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm; Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance; Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance!"

TUDE: "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ahhhhh! muhhh muhh muh ma muhh! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!"

One: "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED! PEAS! MADONNA! GAGA!"

TUDE: "Gaga, indeed--We are the crowd, we're c-comin' out; Got my flash on, it's true; Need that picture of you; It so magical, we'd be so fantastical!"

Teeth? What teeth? :-)

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Rise Up!

Happy Easter, believers-in-the-rising-of-Jesus crowd. (Good day to the rest of you. I embrace the diversity of all my readers. Passover greetings. Happy Spring Solstice. You get the idea. Besides, where do you think the idea of the symbol of the egg on Easter came from? The Pagans. Does this mean the Easter Bunny is a big Wiccan Wabbit?)

Here is a drawing I made for my grandparents to wish them a Happy Easter in 1970. When I looked at the drawing last night, I thought these were Easter Lilies, which would make total sense when considering the holiday, but Wild Mama thinks otherwise: she thinks are Lilies of the Valley because those were my grandmother's favorite flower. Either way, it's a Lily of sort and it's an Easter drawing.I tried to think of some really fun Easter memories, but Easter's one of those holidays that is awesome but not usually really memorable. No offense to Jesus or the Easter Bunny.) For the record, I would like to state that the Easter Bunny was always VERY good at hiding eggs and was always generous in the basket-giving department. Thankfully, the Easter Bunny at our house was smart enough to use plastic eggs as we got older; after all, when doing such a good job hiding eggs, one or two is bound to get left behind and that could be interesting after a few months if real hard-boiled eggs had been used.

My favorite Easter as an adult was the one we spent on Catalina Island with Dos Marias. I had mailed a package of Easter candy to them before we flew out to San Diego--it's much easier to mail candy than to transport it on a plane (um, I sent a lot of candy in that box) and it made it easier to surprise the wife (who was on a mystery trip and didn't know we were going to San Diego or Catalina Island). It was a very fun trip, complete with the Dos Marias rendition of "Rise Up! Rise Up!" A musical delight not to be forgotten. (It was much funnier in person. It sounds lame here. Sorry about that. Picture four queers standing on the shores of Catalina Island singing "Rise Up!" early in the morning. Maybe I need to find the actual photo of the event....that would help humor the story up a bit.)

Speaking of Easter photos, I am 100% sure I've used the photo before in the Addiverse, but it makes me laugh and I have immediate access to it, so I'm re-using it here. These are my two nieces meeting the Easter Bunny (aka Wiccan Wabbit). I think the one on the left is terrified and clinging to my sister; I think the niece of the right is too little to even contemplate the meaning of the Wiccan Wabbit (I like the way my sister has her propped up). As for the rabbit, I guess he's pretty good looking. I've seen some mighty scare rabbits over the years. (In fact, I WAS the Easter Bunny one year at an Egg Hunt for a local park district. I am here to tell you that it is very hard to see small children and/or eggs when dressed as the Easter Bunny. It's not good when you step on either one of those things.) Easter marks the end of Lent, which for most Christian people means they can go back to eating candy, drinking pop/alcohol or swearing (seems like those were the top picks of "what-to-give-up for Lent" sacrifices). I personally would give up chocolate for those 40 long days and I didn't believe in that wimpy "oh, you can eat it on Sunday" crap. I went the whole time mortifying my flesh--and, if you know how much chocolate I eat in a day, you know I was indeed mortified. Many a time I received forty--yes, 40--Cadbury chocolate eggs as "congratulations you made it" recognition. I am here to tell you: You haven't lived until you've eaten 40 of those cream-filled-looks-like-a real-egg-inside chocolate eggs. By the 39th one, you become suicidal.

Speaking of Easter-related Candy: Although I would most prefer a solid chocolate bunny, those cheap, hollow, waxy-tasting bunnies are rather intriguing. As for Peeps, forget it. They scare me. I do not like Peeps one bit. I don't like the traditional yellow ones, I don't like the new multi-colored rabbit ones, I do not like them at all. I suppose you haven't lived until you've eaten 40 Cadbury eggs and a boxful of Peeps. I probably will never eat a Peep again unless paid a lot of money. Jelly beans are all good except the black ones. I am not a fan of licorice. I'm not real fond of jelly beans in general but I don't mind eating them this time of year. You know what you should do? Take a jelly bean, put it in your mouth, do NOT chew it....see how long you can make that sucker last. I'm telling you, you can go for hours if you really work at it. How do I know this? I used to do this when I worked as an orthodontic assistant. I don't know how we came up with the idea, but that's what we did. Maybe only I did it. Who knows--that was over 20 years ago. I'm lucky I still remember being an orthodontic assistant. Anyways, try it.

Easter is the day most Christian people go to church; it's one of those "I-go-to-church-twice-a-year days" (the other being Christmas), so the place is always packed. Sugar filled kids in cute new dresses and clean shoes, all packed in the pews. I am sad to say I do not have many specific memories of Easter bonnets or particular dresses purchased for the occasion. I think it was because I was in a sugar-induced coma and thus am unable to remember much of anything from Easter holidays gone by.

Decorating eggs was always a fun thing to do. Sometimes we would "blow" out the "inner egg" by poking a small hole in each side of the egg and then blowing like there was no tomorrow. While this was very fun, it left you with a very fragile object of which to color and thus was probably not the recommended way to color eggs. Other times, we would color raw eggs and often we would dye hard-boiled eggs. As an adult, I haven't colored many eggs but there is still time to bring back this tradition and I'm thinking it would be really fun to try and empty out an egg through a tiny hole. Hell, who needs to color eggs--let's just make omelets that way!

This year we will be with my family of origin for Easter. I haven't seen any decorated eggs, I haven't purchased an Easter Bonnet, I certainly will not be wearing a new dress and I don't think any of us will be going to church. I am all good with that. Thankfully, I have not spied any Cadbury eggs on the premises--I'm a little sick of them and will gladly stick with things like M&Ms in a bag instead of giant chocolate yolk-filled eggs in tin foil. The wife and I have already sung our rendition of "Rise Up!" so we are good to go. The traditional ham is waiting to be cooked (I'll be having a traditional Easter Boca Burger), the dogs are waiting to be walked, Dunkin' Donuts is waiting to be drunk. (Drank?) I think I'll go hide some eggs. I'm sure the three teen-aged nieces will enjoy finding them (not!). Maybe if I tell them there is a $20 bill in one of the eggs, they'll be a bit more motivated to take part in an Easter Egg Hunt. As long as I don't have to wear a dress, a bonnet or a Wiccan Wabbit outfit, it's all good.

Happy Easter! Rise Up!