Centipede Stampede

The other night, the unimaginable happened....

...there was a giant (well, aren't they all?) centipede on the garage wall, right above the door I had to go through.

Now, most of you are thinking, "so what?" But, those of you who REALLY know me know that I have a ridiculous aversion (phobia, actually) of centipedes. So much so that I have actually gone to therapy for it (which involved me keeping a centipede on my desk in a jar, but that's a story for a different day). Don't ask how this developed....my mother thinks it is from when I was 18 months old and she was beating the tar out of a centipede on the wall next to my play pen (remember play pens? do they still have those?). All I know is that it's been a life long thing and those buggers scare the poo out of me, so much that I literally couldn't function. Well, now that I've had that therapy, I can function--just not very well. It took everything in me to find that photo on the Internet & then post it on this blog. I think I was hyperventilating while trying to do it. (Thanks for nothing to "What's that Bug?" website & to Lisa's photo of the dreaded monster.)

I was stunned, terrified and pissed off all at the same time. See, this is the FIRST and ONLY time I have ever seen a centipede anywhere even near this house. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite things about being in a new home (albeit now 12. 5 years) is that there are very seldom centipedes milling about. How dare the house's centipede virginity be lost after all this time.

This was my sacred centipede-free space, violated!

And, could it be a little centipede? NO. It was a gigantic son-of-a-biscuit, the size of my car. Okay, so maybe it was only about three inches in length, but that is a big bug, don't you think? And, all those long legs and mile-long antenna-thingies. UGH! I'm having a flashback!

Since I have had centipede therapy, I knew that it would be I that had to kill the sucker. Not that I wanted to. Not that I thought I could do it without throwing up and then screaming into the night. But, it had to be done. I had the wife come back and look at it, just to make sure someone knew of my bravery was noted. As I couldn't reach it (thank god!), I decided I would have to first drown it in bug spray, then use paper towels to squish the thing after it fell to the ground.

Sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Well, that damned thing had other ideas. First spray: RUNNING! RUNNING! RUNNING! (The centipede, not me, although I was indeed thinking about running.) Those puppies can run so fast, all those little legs whirling in perfect rhythm. I PELTED that thing with bug spray. I mean, the thing was covered with a white flood of spray and it kept on moving. I sprayed, it ran. I sprayed more, it ran more--across the wall. DIE! DIE! DIE! I started yelling at it as I sprayed. The hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up, but I kept spraying. It was completely white with froth but it wasn't wilting and it wasn't slowing down. I couldn't take my eyes off it (lest it escape & then I not be able to sleep, knowing that ass was in my house somewhere), but I really wanted to look at the can of bug spray to make sure it WAS bug spray. Just as I was ready to give up and go screaming into the night, it fell off the wall and onto the cement floor.

ICK ICK ICK ICK!

But, at least it was now on the floor. I peered over the railing and took a peek.....

...Yup, there it was, squirming in all its glory.

It wasn't running any more and it was starting to curl up. Good and bad news, I suppose. I knew I'd have to take my eyes off it for a second or two to go get the paper towel roll. I'm telling ya, I wasn't gone for more than 2.33 seconds. I took about fifty paper towel squares, piled them up and got ready to make my move. I had to plan because the bug-sprayed centipede was not strategically placed where I could easily squish it--it was kind of near the stair and it was in a position that I might actually miss when I put the paper towels on top of it.

It was time to make my move. I gave out a war cry (you think I'm kidding?), threw myself down the stairs, dropped the 50-squares of paper towels on top of it and STOMPED THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

I kept stomping like there was no tomorrow. I stomped til I could stomp no more.
Once I stopped stomping, I realized I could NOT pick the paper towels up. I really wanted to, but it was too much. I stepped back and felt failure coming. I....could..... not....pick.....it.....up. (Damn all that money in therapy.) I stepped over the thing and went in the house, admitting my defeat to the wife.

I left that thing there all night. The wife picked up the wad of paper towels in the morning. She's my hero.

I've had many centipede encounters. Maybe you don't understand this as you haven't had many centipedes crawl into your life. I've had one fall into the sink while I was washing the dishes, I've had one on my left forearm (UGH!) while moving some boxes in college, I actually had one running up my right leg while I was peeing on the toilet. I've had the pleasure of putting my glasses on after a shower and seeing that I had been "swimming" with one the whole time. I've had one literally fall from the ceiling (at work) and miss falling on my head by millimeters...

Our previous apartment (we lived there for ten terrifying years) was rampant with the things. I'm not kidding--I was always screaming for the wife's help. I mean, I can see those things a mile away. I see them waving at me, sticking their tongues out. There was even one in our bed once at that apartment, but the wife tried desperately not to let me know. There are just things I know, so I knew. The wife was my savior--she was always killing those things for me. She knew when I had found one--I'd be cowering in the corner (the corner furtherest from the dreaded bug), making whimpering sounds. She'd come walking in and say, "Where is it?" My hero, indeed!

Once, there was one so big on the wall I thought I was going to pass out. The wife wasn't home, so I called my mother....who lived in Texas and I was in Illinois. I don't know what I thought she could do to help me, but it seemed the thing to do.

I have had hundreds of dreams involving centipedes. Perhaps I should refer to them as nightmares. Centipedes and tornadoes. Go figure.

Since seeing the one lone centipede in the garage, I am now convinced they are hiding all over our house. This makes me very nervous. Last night, while cleaning the basement, the wife said to me, "I thought you were cured of this."

Obviously, I am not.

However, I can now function and can semi-kill a centipede. I wasn't able to function before--the true meaning of a phobia. (How many people do you know who have had centipede therapy?) But, I still don't like the things (not that anyone does, I suppose). I still worry that there are more in the house. I still worry that one will be crawling up my leg while I'm peeing (let me tell you, you NEVER forget something like that). I put a hat and hood on before going to clean the basement (lest one fall on my head and get stuck in my hair). I still jump when I see something move out of the corner of my eye....

...I'm sure there is some psychological significance to my phobia--probably Freudian--but, I am in no real mood to figure it out. I've had enough education to know it is not exactly a common phobia (besides spiders--oh, dear, a lot of people are terrified of spiders). I just want to keep the things out of my life.

I've decided to adopt the "it-was-a-lone-orphan-centipede-coming-in-from-
the-cold-and-got-lost-on-its-way-home-not-in-my-home" mentality. I'll be fine unless I see one actually IN the house.....

......then, I am going to have to go back to therapy and pay the wife thousands of dollars to keep me safe......

Out with Tinky Winky, In with Dumbledore....

Before I go on with this love fest for my favorite dead wizard, may I just say that I "gleaned" this photo from harrymedia.com and when I did, all sorts of funky things started happening and my computer had a meltdown, so whatever you do, don't click on the photo! And, learn from me--don't glean probably-copy-righted photos, even if you do give them all the credit. (And, I do give proper respect to harrymedia.com, although it was in spanish or some other similar language and led to a sordid pile of trash sites. You have been warned.)

Alas, J.K. Rowling has caused quite the uproar in the Potter World with her recent announcement of said dead wizard. If you are out of the loop (or just not really into gossip), copy & paste one or more of these fine links listed below and find out the latest on Dumbledore. God love ya, JKR.

Who woulda thunk?

P.S. to "Black Toes at the Grand Canyon:" Well, if Troy Aikman ain't gay, at least this guy was.....

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/10/22/books.potter.dumbledore.ap/index.html

http://www.newsweek.com/id/50787

http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/2007-10-20-potter-dumbledore_N.htm

http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Books/article/269817

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1674069,00.html

Living the Love Loft Life

Before I talk about the Love Loft, can I just say, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MARIE OSMOND on DANCING WITH THE STARS??" One minute she was standing there, listening to Len talk about her dance....the next minute, she was unconscious on the floor and billions of viewers were stuck watching commercial after commercial. I'm just glad she hadn't dropped dead from a heart attack.....now that I know she's relatively okay, I can profess my love for live TV!!! (Don't try to tell me you won't be looking at YouTube to see what happened. All you people without DVR will be searching the net for that clip.)

And, now--back to the original babbling idea about the Love Loft:


(I dedicate this entry to Spotted Owl, as she is a true member of the Addiverse and a reader extraordinaire.)

This weekend was spent consuming massive amounts of food (both home-made and trans-fattingly processed) and hanging out in Galena with our sisters of the Love Loft. There are no better people on the planet than those in the Love Loft group. The photos here give only an inkling of the fun and food that was had by the twelve members of the outing. It was a sort of homecoming for the Love Loft (affectionately known as the LLL or the Triple L and if you don't know what LLL stands for, you have NOT been paying close attention to this blog OR you've only been reading for a short time--for shame!), as we started the "gang" while hanging out in Galena. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the LLL had to move from Galena, so we went to Lake Geneva...and, since they have now knocked down the building we stayed at when in Lake Geneva, we had to go elsewhere.....

......Why not go back to where it all started? Galena!

U Conn Grrrl secured us a lovely farmhouse for the festivities, while the wife lamented over room and meal assignments. Patty Party Pecs watched in horror as her cheesecake had a meltdown (literally--see the photo) but it was for naught, as it tasted just fine. (Patty Party Pecs was on my "shit list" because she brought her new squeeze a bouquet of cookies for Sweetest day--gag!--but since she brought the cheesecake, we decided not to stone & flog her.) We shopped, we ate, we played games, we watched plasma screen TVs, we ate, we debated over future meals....you get the picture.

How much do I like spending time with the LLL? Let me put it into perspective for you: I don't bring my computer with for the weekend.

THAT is saying a lot. I take my computer everywhere--the bathroom, the car....

For the record: there is no way to lose weight (or even want to lose weight) when eating all this great food and hanging out with such great people. Screw the pleurisy pounds! Who can worry about weight when there is homemade cheesecake to be eating at every meal? Why, there have even been meals served in parchment paper--you can't beat that!

Usually, we keep it pretty simple: cooking, watching hockey, getting tattoos, talking about dogs.....and of COURSE I made everyone look at my Xena/Lucy Lawless scrapbook....but this year.....

....We found a new activity to try out in between food frenzies and shopping events--Alpine Sledding!

Now, we are probably too old and injury prone to be throwing ourselves down the real Alps (no offense to you Lofters who think you are spry and sporty) and there certainly wasn't any snow to be found in the area and the real Alps are kinda far away, so we had to settle for sledding down Chestnut Mountain on a man-made track. You hand some guy your money, you pick up a blue sled, you hurl yourself down the mountain on this bobsled kind of course, you hop on the chair lift and you ride back to the top. If you look closely at the top photo collage up above, you can see a bit of the Alpine Track (right underneath the photo of the cheesecake). I must admit that it was very fun and a clever use of a ski slope during non-ski sloping weather. (And, it's not snowing or cold while whizzing down the slope, so I am all over this.)

The trees were in their full glory, fall colors in full regalia. The Mississippi looked mighty and breath-taking. The weather was absolutely perfect. The turkey vultures were hovering....um, I'm not sure circling vultures constitute a good sign, but there they were....and, I didn't seen any carnage on the course....

IF you look closely in the photos, you'll see three sisters of the LLL riding the chair lift--I was taking pictures to keep my mind off how much I hate those stupid chair lifts. I could have just walked back up the mountain, but that seemed like WAY too much work, so I clung to that safety bar with my sweaty palms and made it back up the hill via chair lift. (Again, this goes back to the trauma of a fourth grade incident at Disneyland. Oh, I need some therapy!) The only injury, I am happy to report: Phlange-a-slam had a minor problem when her hat when flying off her head--the lady in the sled behind her managed to run over the hat, leaving it with a serious case of road rash.....better her hat than any of our body parts.

An extraordinary amount of time was spent trying to figure out the food rotation for the next meeting of the LLL. I can't really tell you what happened as I wasn't listening. I just zoned out and smiled and made distracting remarks. I figured it would all end up the way it originally started....and, after an hour, it basically ended up all the same as when it started. See? Sometimes it pays to be attentionally deficit-ed. To be honest, I knew it would be fine in the end and that no one would ever let the LLL experience a food crisis.

The problem with LLL events, as with all wonderful events, is that they always end too quickly. It's like you go to bed Friday night and it's already Sunday afternoon and time to go home. Ya gotta hate it when that happens. Just when the fun begins, we're back at home, bathing the dogs because they stink so badly after their stay at the kennel and I'm cutting poop out of Freckles butt hair and it suddenly matters that the pleurisy pounds have limited my wardrobe to two pair of pants. Well, there's always February, when we'll gather again in Galena.

Until then, I have to get out off this blog and go vote for Dancing with the Stars. After all, Marie needs my vote!

State of the Dogs....and other tidbits on a Tuesday

Oprah's on TV right now talking about menopause. Oh goody! The wife was going to change the channel until I reminded her that this would be a topic of interest...to both of us, like it or not...so, we are spending the afternoon pointing at each other saying, "that's you," followed by the other saying, "that's you." Thanks to the wife for pointing out my worsening acne. Damn that Oprah. As I have a faulty thyroid and am at "that" age, I have so much to think about....and, not just about that acne. I guess I'll be looking up Dr. Northrup's book the next time I drag my sorry ass to Barnes and Noble...

Prior to Oprah's dissertation on our menopausing bodies, I spent a chunk of the day visiting with the vet. Not for me, for the dogs. Time for those annual canine physicals. Here's a photo of Freckles Warrior Princess post-vet-visit. Of course, her eyes are shut because her eyes are ALWAYS shut when I talk a photo. (It's a gift she has.) As I talk about the dogs ad nauseum, I thought a State of the Dogs report appropriate. Good news, sports fans--Freckles' yeasty beasties are dissipating, although she still stinks like the dickens. At least the bacteria is gone. More good news--she is at a perfect weight--no more calling her the "Fatty Patty." All that walking pays off, I guess. The bad news--that deformed dewclaw of hers had literally curled up and grown "into" her skin. Ugh. The groomer missed cutting the nail last visit, despite me giving the lady a written reminder about the dew club. God bless that vet assistant--it was quite the ordeal to get that dew claw clipped. If Freckles could scream, I think she would have squawked. She's a true champion, though, so she took it like a champion. (And, may I add that they didn't charge me for this. You may be thinking that they should not charge me for something that the groomer missed, but the groomer is just some contracted chick, so there was a chance I'd get another charge on the long of bills.) The only question left about FWP is whether or not she has a heart murmur. Well, it certainly isn't hurting her and it hasn't bothered her before and she seems no worse for the wear, so I'm gonna focus on that stench coming from her skin and leave the heart for another day. A really happy moment for the Warrior Princess: no more Bordella in the nose--a disgusting thing to have done, I'm guessing--it was an injection this time. I think Freckles did a dance when she heard it was a shot in the neck, not a drink shot in the schnoz.

Lucy was reported to be a bit "skinnier" than might be expected--that's not to say she is too thin or thin--it just means she has a few ounces to gain, should she choose to do so. (No, Lucy, this does not mean more treats.) I was relieved to hear this, as I was afraid that she might have tipped the scales a bit too high. She's so much bigger than she used to be that I worry. Her bad news--yeasty ears and tartar! As a person of the dental world (having a history of being an orthodontic assistant for five years), I was aghast about the tartar thing. I'm always looking at Lucy and Freckles' teeth....but, I wasn't looking back "far enough," where the really big molars are hiding. Dear god, I almost peed when the vet showed me that back tooth. I wanted to grab a tool and start playing dental hygienist. Did you know they have people who specialize in cleaning dog and cat teeth? Well, they do. The procedure under general anesthesia, which not only sounds kinda scary but also very expensive. I've decided Lucy can live with tartar for the time being. (If I could get her to hold still, I'd get a photo of the tartar. I'm not giving up yet...) The other thing the vet assistant showed me was the yucky crap in Lucy's ears. She then started RIPPING out ear hair, first with her hands, then with this tweezer-like implement. Lucy looked startled. I mean, I'm thinking it would suck to have someone ripping ear hair out of your ear canal. I got to grab the crusty strands of hair as the lady pulled them out. Tasty!

As I remain an embarrassingly shallow person, I am here to tell you I am so excited about "Dancing with the Stars" I could just pee. Last night was the "Paso Doble," my favorite dance. OLE! Jenny Garth and that Cheetah Girl kicked my ass right out of the living room! Oooh! I was cheering out loud. How am I supposed to choose a winner when there are so many fun people on the show? Marie's humor and wit, Mel B's surprising grace, Jane Seymour's flowing movement, Jenny's incredible improvement....get rid of the guys and let the girls keep dancing!

And, thus that's the State of the Dogs and other tidbits this fine Tuesday afternoon. This weekend is the Love Loft, so there will be plenty of fodder to share within a matter of hours...

Play Ball!

It's that time of year again, where alumni gather across the county at their Alma mater to celebrate homecoming. The wife and I are no exception. The only thing we do a little differently is we join the festivities on the softball field. Each year, the softball coach invites all the crusty alumni to battle against the existing college team for shits and giggles.

Now, you all know I am too old and too injury prone to be on the field actually playing, so I go to coach a base and announce the game. The wife decided she was playing this year (quite to my surprise and horror, I might add). I've done the past several years and have thoroughly enjoyed the chance to ham it up with a microphone. This year, I emailed the coach and said if she dug up a pair of the pants we used to wear (um, back in 1980 and 1981--those are some mighty old pants), I would wear them to the alumni game. These throw back pants are purple pinstripes. Sure enough, the coach came through so I honored my part of the bargain; those are indeed the original pants from the inaugural softball team at my Alma mater. The wife said she thought the pants looked much better now that they did when we were in college--I told her that's because I was forty pounds heavier in college.

I'm not kidding: my pants were older than the current students. That gave the crowd a few laughs. I was by far the oldest alumni--being a graduate of 1984 and the "nearest" next alum was 1997 (well besides the wife, but she doesn't count).

A wonderful surprise was that my coach from 1983-84 also joined the fun and came along to coach first base....who is non other than Master Reiki! It was like a bad flashback. Also present for the festivities was Blue Eyes, class of 1987. She wasn't a softball player but who cares? She was a volleyball player and dear friend and graduate of the school, so it was wonderful to have her there, too.

The only problem with the uniform the coach gave me to wear is that it had obviously been rotting in some back gym closet. I am telling you that thing stuck so badly of mold and mildew that I literally almost couldn't wear it. I washed it in special laundry detergent, I Fabreezed myself to oblivion, I kept the car windows open. It gave me a headache from the mildew-y smell. It was so bad I couldn't wear the top of the uniform. I bit the bullet and wore the pin striped purple pants and hoped no one would smell me.

It was a LONG car ride to the game, wearing those pants.

It struck me funny that I was wearing purple pin striped pleurisy pounds. Woof!

At one point, while in the student dug-out, I announced to the batter (and for all the crowd to hear) that if she hit the ball to the wife in right field, I'd give her $5.00.

Damn if she didn't hit it right to that very spot. I had to pay up. After all, I am an alum of my word. That was a highlight of the day for me.

The Alum dug out was stocked with some very interesting items--several different kinds of beer, licorice, water (thank god) and jello shots. Now, we may have done really wild things when I was in college on the softball team, but we never had jello shots. I don't think Jello shots had even been invented back then. I was corrected when I announced to the crowd that the Alums were drinking jello shots--you don't drink them, you slurp them. I guess that would be true, as they aren't exactly liquid. They're jello, for pete's sake. Whatever happened to beer bongs?

I think fun was had by all. No one was hurt, no one got pissy, no one got drunk (well, not that I could tell). I'm happy to report that the Alumni won by slaughter rules, 13-2. I wasn't injured, the wife got on base several times. You go, girl!

Ask me if she can walk tomorrow. Bet you fiv bucks she can't.

Back to reality....

Now that the Chicago Xena Convention has come and gone and now that I've managed to piss off every mullet-wearing lesbian, Ted Raimi-loving fan and/or every Lucy Lawless sing-career-supporter, I'm left with little to write and less readers to read it. I always thought my fan base was like three people, but judging from the outcry over my opinionated dribble, I'm guessing I have at least ten or eleven readers. Go figure! So, I graciously apologize for those I have offended (although I am not so apologetic to go back and edit my postings) and thank those that still find me funny. I think I'm funny. I entertain myself for days. (This may or may not be a sign of good mental health.)

Ah, the holiday. Halloween, that is. Why, here's a leftover from the Star Trek Convention last week....crossed over from the Stars Wars genre. Speaking of this holiday, I'm not sure what to "be" this year. Only a few more planning days and it will be too late to be very creative.....

As for the upcoming week, I'll be on vacation. No reason....just because it seemed the thing to do. Last time I took a vacation with nothing planned--in July--I got pleurisy, so I'm hoping this week in October goes better than that week in July. I plan on completing my Xena Warrior Princess Creative Memories Scrapbook by placing the conference photos in the remaining pages; I plan on thinking about losing these damned pleurisy pounds (which, by the way, have left me with only ONE pair of pants that fit without leaving me in squeezy, screaming pain) and preparing for the Love Loft scheduled for this weekend (which will ruin any plans of losing any pleurisy pounds).

Being the equal opportunity pet person that I am, here is a kitty in halloween garb. As I've pissed off so many people, I find it necessary to appease the cat lovers in the Addiverse..... (I get these photos in those dreaded forwarded emails--you don't think I have a cat, do you? I sneeze just looking at this photo.) I love this photo of the Hogwarts Kitty. I'd dress Freckles and Lucy up in this manner, but they would just stand there and look really irritated.....

Finally, a note to Dave Ramsey, financial guru:

Dear Dave,

I'm super sorry I didn't listen to you about spending money when money is not actually available. I really, really wanted to listen, but Xena was calling and car parts were falling off and the dogs needed their annual physical and shots and the children needed to be saved and my hair really DID need to be dyed (look how good it looked in the Lucy photo! Thanks, Harry!) so please don't be too hard on me when the credit card bills arrive in the mail. Also, could you call the wife so she understands this, too? I still plan on being debt free by January 31, 2008 but it's looking a little harried at the moment and I haven't quite figured out how this is exactly going to happen with these sordid financial detours. Any financial donations or offer of job opportunity will be appreciated. I'd ask for donations from the mullet-wearing lesbians, but I don't think I'm on their "donate to a good cause" list right now. Thanks for your help and understanding.

In your financial prowess we trust,
Addi Warrior Princess

Semi-Final thoughts on the Xena Convention

Disclaimer: This will certainly not be the last time I talk about the convention (apologies to you who want to poke your eyes out after reading all this), but I thought I'd post some semi-final thoughts on the experience after I had a chance to sleep on it Sunday night....

I woke up with a horrific headache this morning. I figure the combination of air pollution, excess Adrenalin, lack of oxygen to the brain and eating too many pancakes contributed to the pain.....I'm sure I'll survive!

By the way, if you want to see a video on the Convention (and who doesn't?), go to http://www.dailyherald.com/multimedia/?category=1&type=video&item=41 as it has footage of Lucy talking and singing as well as pans of the crowd and information on the event (from the Daily Herald in Chicago Suburbs).

Facts & Figures & Random Thoughts:

1. I am NOT Argo WP's partner/grrrlfriend/ significant other/lover/gal pal/date. (Not that that would be a problem....except to our own partners...)Many people seemed to assume this to be true, as illustrated by our interaction with the photographer. He started to load our Lucy Lawless photo jpg's on to a disk when Argo informed him we needed TWO disks. He stopped, turned from his computer and looked back and forth at us. Argo and I had to work to convince him that we did indeed live in separate households and that we were not in fact a couple. (How's that for a change of pace--trying to convince someone the person you're with is not your partner? It was almost surreal.) We got a good laugh from the uber-nazi when we said our partners were at home, thankful NOT to be at the convention and NOT to have to have anything to do with Xena. (We did, by the way, get our separate disks. Thanks, Chris!)


2. I am truly an ignorant slut when it comes to actual Xena trivia....and, I know quite a bit. I was put to shame by about 85% of the audience. I'll have to work on that....I mean, these people know every teeny, weeny bit of minuscule trivia possible. There were times Argo WP and I would just look at each other in disbelief.

3. The "Lucy-Lawless-You-Have- Beautiful-eyes- Grrrl" really does indeed have beautiful eyes and I, too, would be having a moment complete with tears if Lucy had told me that. (But, Lucy's boob--which is real, for all you sick puppies that actually asked me that, and believe me, a lot of you non-Xena-type folks asked, was on ME, so my eyes can be crusty and red for all I care!!!)

4. I can't stop singing that stupid diddy that Lucy sang on stage--the one from the episode where she is dressed in nothing but whipped cream and a few strategically placed cherries (while jumping out of a cake as Meg, a Xena look-alike---don't try to understand if you don't watch the show...there are many Xena look-a-likes in the Xenaverse...go figure). I liked that Lucy explained that the word "bubba" in New Zealand means "baby" and that's what she was saying during the song, but I NEED to get that song out of my head!

5. Persons under 21 years old can't attend Lucy's concerts. I never thought about that until the "I have Joxer's Glass" Guy said he didn't attend the concerts because he wasn't 21. I guess that's the downside of performing in bars--your young flock can't join you. Well, my condolences to this fine young man, as I am sure he would have absolutely peed in his pants to attend that concert. (Thank you, by the way, to this young man, as I really enjoyed seeing him here and there at the convention. Thanks for being part of the 2% of men at the convention!)

6. Lucy has more upcoming roles in Battlestar Gallactica....but, we don't get that channel, so I've never seen her in that show. I may have to talk to the wife about upgrading our cable. Lucy indicated that she would like to dye her hair darker again but she can't do this due to her current role on BSG. (Lucy, do you think any of us care what color your hair is????)

7. Renee's hair is much longer than I could have imagined and it is very beautiful....but, I'm partial to the short haired-blonde Gabrielle. Of course, this may be the exact reason Renee grew her hair back out--move on from Gabby-dom!

8. I am going to have to start over and begin with Season 1, Episode One and work my way through the six years of shows. (Apologies to the wife about this.) I have to address my ignorance and besides, I want to take a closer look at the shows Steven Sears wrote. Thankfully, I will be able to do this at my own leisurely pace instead of cramming in four shows in one day.

9. My favorite Xena episodes (not that you probably care) include "A Day in the Life" (duh!), "You Are There," "Hooves and Harlots," anything with Callisto, the Valkyries trilogy, "In Sickness and in Hell," and anything with Alti. (I guess I like the shamans and comedies, eh?) The only episodes I really didn't like are "Married With Fishsticks" (UGH! but at least it was very creative) and that damned show ender.

10. And, finally....I will be sharing photos from others at the convention as I get them. After all, 97% of the audience had a better camera than me and thus they have super-great photos that I couldn't even come close to capturing.....

.....That's it for now....I have to go scrap book more pages in my Xena Scrapbook now......

Sunday in the Xenaverse

Thankfully, Argo and I were NOT running in the Chicago Marathon, but rather were running in the Xena marathon. Woof! It was hot outside...or, so they tell us....

(Disclaimer: My opinion on certain things related to XWP will not endear me to many fans of the Xenaverse. Just know that I am just one tiny little opinionated voice babbling among the blogs of the world and that the integrity of the show, stars and fans will not be soiled in any manner.)

The day started bright and early, with both of us waking at 5 AM. For god's sake, we could have slept until 11 AM and there we were, eyes wide open. This gave us time to eat IHOP food (yeah!), read the paper, sit in the lobby watching all the Xenites pass by, make phone calls, watch all the Trekkies pass by in their uniforms & costumes, poop, yip with fellow Xena addicts, hear about Lucy's concert Saturday night....in other words, it was time well spent. Argo and I watched the sun come up from our room (photo of this event in the collage, upper right corner).

While waiting for Steven Sears to come address the masses, I found him milling about in the hallway. Being the incredibly accessible guy that he is, I asked him to sign my scrapbook--after all, he IS a beloved Xena writer. I am totally amazed at his graciousness and his approach with fans. I asked Steven to sign the scrap book page with Ephiny's (Danielle McCormick) photo & autograph from "Hooves & Harlots," as he had written this episode. I just happened to have a blank Xena check on this page (yes, I have Xena checks) and so I asked him about autographing this. (I thought it would be funny to have him sign the check.) He laughed and obliged. Steven took a few moments to think about what he would write and then he filled in the blanks. I laughed out loud when I read what he had written: Pay to the order of Ephiny's Estate--One thousand six hundred dinar, for Funeral Expenses!!!! He then signed his name on the signature line. (Note to you not from the Xenaverse: you are probably not finding that very funny. Trust me, it is very creative and funny.) I look forward to showing off that check every chance I get.

I then wandered around to find Sharon Delaney, Goddess of the Xena Warrior Princess Fan Club. She is a cult hero to us and thus I wanted to get her genuine autograph on my Xena Warrior Princess Fan Club certificate. (Yes, I belong to the fan club. Stop rolling your eyes!) I approached her with my scrapbook and asked her to sign the page. She looked around and then literally said, "Are you talking to me?" Seems most people don't ask for Sharon's autograph, although she's just about as famous as the show's star actors. Sharon was a bit befuckled by the request but she obliged and signed the book. What a woman!

Steven Sears took the stage and the fun began. He paces back and forth non stop when talking--he says it is to prevent us from taking pictures of him talking as photos of people talking always look bad and that if we wanted a picture of him, we would really have to work hard to get it. He was wearing a chakram necklace, which I found to be a great touch. Most people would think I wouldn't care about the show's writers, but this guy is genius and he's very interesting to listen to and he is tremendously funny and has a wealth of knowledge--what's not to admire? For those of you wondering, his first writing gig was for "Riptide" and he wrote for 5.5 years on Xena. As he left before the last season, he gave us an inkling of how he might have ended the show (as opposed to the AWFUL, MEAN, YUCKY, XENA-DECAPITATED ENDING--I HATE YOU FOR THAT, ROB TAPERT!). I totally enjoyed listening to his stories and humor. Two thumbs up for Steven!

Next up: Joxer the Mighty, Ted Raimi. To be honest, I'm not sure Ted really wanted to be there (no offense to him, but really.....okay, breathe, breathe--those in the Xenaverse need to be strong as I write these words. It will all be okay in the long run. Be brave. I'ts just one person's opinion!). I don't want to poo poo him, because I'm sure he's a fine human being and I positively loved the character and I think we all have a bit of Joxer in us and I love seeing him in other works....it's just that he was not very cordial when seen in the parking lot (he looked like he couldn't find his car), he wouldn't even make eye contact, let alone say hello, to me and Argo (all we said was hello--we weren't asking for or expecting anything), he was not accessible to the fans, he seemed surprised that anyone would even care about the show anymore (let alone show up at a conference years later). Maybe he was only kidding about being surprised by the continued interest by the fan base. Maybe he was just being a smarty pants about being surprised that we fans would show up again and again. (I'm going to think that so I can go on with my love of Joxer/Ted.) Even so, he was still quite funny when on stage. I love Joxer so it was hard to feel ambivalence about this whole ordeal. I loved his stories about the show but kept thinking, "TED! Get out of the corner and move to the front of the stage--we won't bite!"

(Note: Ted has an awesome website: http://www.tedraimi.com/ aka the Ted Raimi Astro Lounge so go check it out and, as they say in Monty Python, "fart in my general direction." I know Ted will prove me wrong in my pathetic assessment of him from the weekend. I must keep the Joxer faith! He'll probably think I'm just some ass who doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground....)

Thankfully, Ted was VERY nice when I went and enjoyed my photo op with him. He gave me a hearty handclasp, asked me my name (which, thankfully I was able to recall), mentioned that he didn't remember seeing me at the Gold Ticket breakfast (I guess it's good and bad that he knew that). I was still very glad to have my photo taken with him.

The highlight of the day was, of course, getting the color print of my photo with Lucy. YIPPEE SKIPPEE! AY-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai! How fun it was to dig through all the photos--I believe there were 150 of them--to find my own photo. (The collage above illustrates how all the Lucy pictures were lined up, waiting for their rightful owners to come & gather them for oogling.) The photographer (Chris Schmelke--istockphoto.com/deadair--a gifted & truly talented man of the lens) was really fun to visit with--but, his picture of me and Lucy is what made me weep with happiness. Dear god, there is her boob touching me, right in living color. For those of you who think I'm kidding, just wait and see.....Thank you, thank you Chris and Lucy!

I need a nap. I am way too pooped to pop or write one more diddy. I'm sure I'll babble about all this for weeks on end. Until then, I am going to go drink a Frappaccino and take a nap....

Was it worth all the money? You bet your powdered Kiwi ass it was! Just don't tell Creation Entertainment--they'll want even more money next time.....

More Conference babbling

Okay, so neither of us can sleep, despite it being a Sunday morning with nothing to specifically do until Noon. Thus, I find myself taking advantage of my internet time (hey, I had to pay to use it--might as well get my monies' worth.)

Note to the wife: Told ya the Cubs would fall apart.

Note to runners in the Chicago Marathon today: HYDRATE! It's gonna be record temps.

Note to other Xeniphiles: HYDRATE! It's gonna be another energy-sucking day.

Note to wife: We are going to IHOP for breakfast! YEAH! (The wife is NOT an IHOP fan.)

Note to Lucy: Love the chaps! I'm sure they looked great in concert. But, I'm still not a big fan of your new career. Go out and be in movies--skip the singing! (Well, a Broadway musical would be okay, but otherwise....)

Random thoughts and snippets I missed yesterday:

Lucy started her part of the "show" by telling us how her makeup compact basically blew up in the car when she was trying to put a little powder on (during her trip to the convention). Well, big puffs of powder unfortunately sailed to her (as she called it) crotch area. She went on to say that every seat she sat in during her Green Room stay now had imprints of her ass. Lucy tried to get the powder off her "good pants," as she called them (yes, the chaps) but as she was unable to get all the powder off, she had Renee basically wipe her "arse!" You had to be there to truly enjoy the story....I think Lucy was the most entertained by the story...she was doing what MJagger would call the "Muppet Laugh."

Joxer, aka Ted Raimi, wears sunglasses when walking through the hallway in the hotel room. He looked like poo--tired. He was friendly to the lady from Dearborn as he, too is from Michigan. (That's the lady with the beautiful eyes, per Lucy Lawless.) He does not sign autographs. (He needs to hang out with Lucy and Renee more--be nice to your fans! Ah well, he's been in some big name movies; I suppose he doesn't have to be nice any more.)

Some fans are just ridiculous in their spending of money. Now, you may be laughing to hear me say this, but I am here to tell you that some people were spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on collectibles. I have oodles of collectibles but I kept my hands down during the convention auctions. The wildest I have gotten (well, besides shelling out all that money to be here and to buy photo ops with Lucy and Ted) was buying an autographed photo of one of the actresses (for my scrapbook, of course) and purchasing time on the Internet ($9.95 for the stay). One lady purchased two wall sized banners from the conference--well, her obviously very rich mother purchased them. I couldn't figure this out as the lady looked NOTHING like anyone who would want anything Xena related. She was in this long, normal "I'm dripping with Money" dress and she did not in any way look like the 90% of the mullet wearing "sisters," as Lucy called us. I'm guessing a lot of this stuff will show up on eBay. It was SOOOOOO hard to pass up the autographed Xena dolls......

Adrienne Wilkinson is a tiny little thing--meaning, she does not look anything like her character, "Livia, Bitch of Rome."

I'm going with the Jackie Warner hair today. I was very modest in the hair department yesterday. NO MORE! I shall look fabulous for my Ted Raimi photo. As long as we stay inside, I'll be okay. The humidity outside is like four billion percent. Note to wife: I bet the dew point is like 80 degrees.

Enough! We're off to IHOP and then to more basking in the Xenaverse. Only one more auction to get through without buying ridiculous amounts of Xena crap.....

Xena-fied at the Convention

I touched Lucy Lawless' boob.

Well, actually her boob touched me, but it's all the same in the end.

It happened during the photo shoot. There I was, ready for my fifteen seconds of fame with Lucy. I wasn't vomiting or shooting shit or dizzy or anything. For some reason, I was strangely calm. I walk over to Lucy, as directed by the uber-nazi convention staff. Lucy gives me this big hug--I kid you not--a real hug, not some wimpy straight girl hug, and says "Hello Sweetie!" She then accidentally touched my hair (right side, above the ear, but who was paying attention?) and she says, "Oh! Don't want to flatten your spikes!" She then laughs, faces the camera, smooshes her head down toward mine (she IS taller than me, after all), strikes a pose (in those leather chaps) and I put my arm around her (just like the uber-nazi would like) and then it happens: her left boob touches me.

Um, I don't remember having the photo taken but I'm sure it will be fine. I just hope I was looking at the camera and not her chest.

(Dearest blog reader: I adore you. I really do. But this blog is going to be all about ME. ME AND LUCY. You are SO going Xena-fied by the end of this you won’t know what to do with yourself. Indulge me with this dissertation on the Warrior Princess’ convention.)

Back to the beginning, before the boob touch: Our journey to heaven began in the wee hours of the morning, with Argo Warrior Princess arriving via Xeus (a mother or a Toyota Tundra), sword in hand. I’m not kidding about this—she has a real, live collectable Xena sword. Incredibly, Argo had her nails done for this occasion—possibly the first time she has ever done this in her forty-something years of life. We loaded the car and went off into the sunrise, with Xena seated on the dashboard for good luck.

We arrived early at the convention, only to find our hotel is in the landing pattern of O’Hare. I mean, REALLY REALLY in the landing pattern—I can basically kiss the people on the plane as they go buy. This is heaven to me, as I grew up in the landing pattern of O’Hare and thus this is truly like a homecoming for me. Interestingly enough (to me, anyways), we are directly across the street from “Café La Cave,” the restaurant where I ate my homecoming dinner (in 1979). Long story. But, who has time for hotel thoughts when there are Xena moments to be had? We incredibly got a room by 10 AM by schmoozing the front counter grrrl. Is this a great convention or what?

Once in the hotel, it wasn’t hard to find where to go—um, let’s just say that the Gold ticket crowd is made of approximately 90% lesbians (the other ten percent appear to be lost souls from the Star Trek convention down the hall) and thus finding the convention area was relatively blatant. This was quite entertaining—I’ve never seen so many spiked mullets in years—truly, “Dykes are Us.” Argo and I look positively feminine around this crowd (no offense to anyone in attendance--but girls, lose the mullets!). We joined the pack of grrrls, waiting in line to get our “Gold Pass Wristbands” (SPARKLY PURPLE!!--see photo above) and have breakfast with the stars.

Argo and I stacked our plates with all sorts of tasty tidbits at the Gold Ticket Breakfast with the Stars, ever mindful that we might not see food again for many hours. As we ate, we craned our necks in an effort to watch the stars enter the room. Steve Sears, one of the major writers for the series, entered first. He snarfed down his breakfast and then went table to table, visiting with all us gold pass nerds. Steve was so friendly and approachable it was almost unbelievable. Next came Adrienne Wilkinson, the actor who played Livia and Eve on the show. She, too, joined our table and posed for photos. She was so normal and wonderful that I wanted to weep. Both let us take oodles of photos of them.

Then enters Joxer the Mighty, Ted Raimi. Ted has his uber-nazi lady guard, who none-so-politely told me that I was NOT to take photos of Ted. Damn! This did not make my gold-pass heart warm. Ted came over and sat down at our table. Argo got him good with her quick wit and all he could basically could do was acqueise--touche! (I am so proud to know her. You're a god when you can one-up a famous comedian.) As he sat talking to us, Ted picked up a half-drunken glass of orange juice, made a funny comment about it, put it back down. Needless to say, the young man (one of like two guys in the place) seated at our table picked up the glass and literally put it in his backpack! Now, THAT’S a true stalker! I have photos to prove this actually happened. See above--that's the glass! I was rather irritated about not getting Ted's photo but Argo made it all okay when we decided to get our photo taken with him tomorrow (for an additional fee, of course).

The rest of the day was a blur. Joe LoDuca came on stage and started talking, only to be joined by Lucy within minutes (using the stage name Chewy--just go with it). She sang a song from "The Bitter Suite" while he played the guitar. Then, she says something about needing a little help from a friend (to sing the Beatles song of the same name) and out pops Renee O'Connor on the stage. She's singing, Lucy's singing, Joe is strumming and I am swearing at my camera as it can't take very good photos, even tho I am in the fourth row. I decide to screw taking photos and just stay in the moment. I figure I can get photos from other people in the crowd.

I am here to tell you: Lucy and Renee are absolutely, positively hysterical. I mean pee-in-your-pants funny. They told hilarious stories, both about the series and about life in general. Lucy is all about her new singing career, so there was much banter about that. Lucy's story about "laced" brownies was absolutely snort-worthy. They seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with each other and they were spectacular with the fans. .....and they are two of the most gracious people on the planet. No big headed stars here...

......And, embrace all those queers they did! They obviously know who there fan base is....well, 90% of them, anyway. It was a very empowering adventure, to say the least.

Lucy left the stage and Renee took over the show. She wandered into the crowd, which I found very wonderful of her. I mean, I could have been spit on by her when she was talking--that's how close she was. I reflected on how the price of the Gold Ticket was actually worth it.

Once Renee left the stage, Argo and I raced to get our photos taken professionally with Lucy. You've already read how that went. I can't believe how approachable and genuine and down to earth Lucy is. You could tell she was having a great time--not as great a time as me, but close.

The rest of the day was filled with spending money (what else?), watching Xena bloopers, attending an auction and listening to fans talking about their interaction with Lucy during the photo shoot. One fan whom we met at breakfast (she sat next to Argo--a decidedly normal looking lady from Dearborn, Michigan, definitely not matching most of the crowd in her looks or demeanor) had a tear in her eye. She came over to me, sat down and said, "I have to tell you about my incredible interaction with Lucy." She then talked about her experience--Lucy had stopped right in the photo shoot and commented on how beautiful this lady's eyes are (and, for the record, she does indeed have very beautiful eyes). The lady was overwhelmed by this--understandably so (although I would rather have a Lucy Boob Touch than be told my eyes are beautiful but I'm shallow). Thus, she wandered through the rest of the convention activities with tear-filled eyes.

Now, it's time for bed. It's an exhausting day, all this oogling, smiling and laughing. There is so much more to look forward to tomorrow. Can't wait to show you all the photos....can't write any more right now--I have to go to sleep and dream of Lucy's left boob.....

COUNTDOWN TO XENA

I am so excited I can no longer put coherent sentences together.

The scrapbook pages are ready for autographing.

The Gold Ticket is securely packed.

The camera is being charged.

The chocolate is ready to go.

This is my Adrienne Wilkinson page, ready for her John Hancock. She played the roles of "Livia, Bitch of Rome" (I kid you not), and "Eve, Messenger of Eli." Below is illustration of my two pages ready for Joseph LoDuca to sign--he's the mastermind behind all the music heard on Xena (not that you have ever paid attention to the music--but, I own four of the music CDs, so rest assured this band nerd has paid attention).

NEWSFLASH! XENA IS IN THE STATE OF ILLINOIS! Sunshine Woman heard Lucy Lawless on WGN-AM this morning. Being the good person that she is, she called my cell phone to alert me of this. Of course, I did not hear my cell phone ring and thus missed this golden opportunity to hear my favorite Kiwi in action.

The festivities start at 8 AM tomorrow. I'm already sweating!!! (If you think I am kidding, you do not know me well. I am having heart palpitations.) I do not have a wardrobe picked out yet, as I am truly at my heaviest weight in years. Forget about looking good--now I just have to find something to squeeze my pleurisy pooch into!

Pray for me! Please don't let me vomit on Lucy Lawless' shoes!!!

Yeast-laden Bacteria-crusted Warrior Princess Storms the Addiverse
No, no--not me--Freckles!

Another day, another vet bill. This time, it's Freckles Warrior Princess that's sick, not Lucy (who, by the way, has mysteriously stopped puking and poop shooting, praise the gods!). Freckles has been a smelly mess of a dog. In fact, she is flaking all over the place like she has dry skin even though she is all greasy. How can that be? She's got these awful red spots surrounded by gross, flaking skin chunks, basically on her front legs, sides and chest. Her eyes are full of boogers and her stench is just not very attractive. A bath did not help the stench. I love her very much but she stays up licking all night and the slurping sounds are disgusting. Although it wasn't in the budget, off to the vet we went.

I am happy to report to TV Eagle (high school friend who visited this weekend) that Freckles does NOT have mange. There were a few moments of concern this might be the case, but all is well in the mangy dog department. What DOES Freckles have? Well, according to the vet (which, humorously enough, specializes in cats), she has a yeast infection and a bacteria infection of her skin.

Sounds like my dog has crotch rot, only on her skin. Ha ha!

WHY SUSPECT YEAST?

Yeast infections are especially itchy, crusty, and smelly. Often a dog starts with a rash or with simple itching but the skin thickens to an “elephant” skin appearance. The itch is extreme and the odor can be especially troublesome. Parts of the body or the entire body can be affected. Mostly dogs are affected but cats can get yeast infections as well. Yeasts are the spore-like forms of fungi; Malessezia dermatitis is a fungal infection of the skin.

Freckles is a yeasty beasty!

WHERE WOULD A DOG GET A YEAST INFECTION?

According to marvistavet.com, "Yeast happily live on most normal skin and in ears and anal glands. To get a yeast infection, conditions on the skin surface have to change to favor the proliferation of the yeasts. The yeasts in small normal numbers are harmless but when the yeasts are present in large numbers, disease results.

So what conditions lead to a yeast proliferation? An increase in skin oils (which often occurs in an allergic flare up) would be the most common situation. Sometimes there is an immune deficiency which allows the yeast proliferation. Some animals are battling seborrhea (excessive oil production of the skin) and thus are naturally predisposed to the yeast proliferation. Some animals are actually allergic to the yeasts themselves. The most important thing to realize is that yeast infections are not contagious but they tend to recur unless the underlying allergy, seborrhea, or whatever problem is controlled."

(Thank god it is not contagious!)

"The following breeds are predisposed genetically to yeast infections: the West Highland White Terrier, Basset hound, Cocker spaniel, Silky terrier, Australian terrier, Maltese, Chihuahua, Poodle, Shetland sheepdog, Lhasa apso, and the dachshund."

(Ah, so FWP is a Lhaso apso-ish yeasty smelly beast.)

According to peteducation.com: "Bacterial skin diseases are more prevalent in certain dogs, and with bacteria often comes odor. Yeast infections of the skin can also cause odor. Keeping your pet's skin free of bacteria and yeast can help prevent many skin conditions that lead to itching, hot spots, hair loss, and other disorders.

Vinegar rinses with equal parts of vinegar and water can also help control yeast, though some people complain their dog now smells like a pickle."

(Um, so would I rather have a stinky dog or a pickle-smelling dog???)

What does one do for a yeasty, bacteria-y dog? Well, my favorite part is the vet says I have to bathe her in this expensive shampoo and leave it on for TEN MINUTES and then rinse it off. Okay, can you even imagine trying to keep shampoo on FWP for ten minutes? Any dog? It's not like I can have her stand in the stationery tub all that time and I can't do this outside. I may have to get creative about this if I truly want to try the ten minute shampoo rule. I'll let you know how this goes. The second thing I have to do is give her anti-biotics, which is easy to do as those pills slide in with ease, thanks to peanut butter.

What causes a yeasty, germy dog? I guess it's secondary to her allergies. And, what is Freckles allergic to????
Grass.

Doesn't it just figure that I own a dog that is allergic to grass?






P.S. Countdown reminder: Only THREE more days until the Xena Convention in Chicago! What the hell AM I going to wear????? I watched FOUR episodes of Xena today, leaving me with only one more episode plus the Friends in Need two-part finale (which I refuse to watch as I have no desire to see Xena decapitated again). I made it! Bring on the Xena trivia contests!