Saturday, September 29, 2007

An Apple a Day....It's that time of year when people flock to apple orchards. They'll say it's for the apples, but don't be fooled--they are only going there to snarf up a dozen or so of those tasty donuts. (I asked the wife what kind of donuts those exactly are that they sell at the orchard--she said, "DELICIOUS." Told ya.) Seeing as the clients I work with like donuts as much as any other person on the planet, it seems only right that they, too get to experience the droves of donut-eating fools at the orchards across the nation. However....going with these fine clients is a little different than going with the wife....

How can this be, you ask?

Well, let's just say a trip to the apple orchard with the chronically mentally ill involves a lot of smoking. The trip literally goes like this:

(1) Stand in front of van, smoke two cigarettes.
(2) Everyone loads into the van. One pops back out and smokes another cigarette.
(3) Everyone finally in the van.
(4) Chase everyone into the van. Refuse to let anyone get out and smoke again. Drive to orchard.
(5) Arrive at orchard. Get out of van and smoke. Stand in the parking lot, smoking.
(6) Walk to Orchard entrance, see a sign indicating there is no smoking at the Orchard. Walk back to the parking lot and smoke another cigarette.
(7) Walk back to Orchard. Stand in line, get a half dozen donuts. Walk back to van with donuts in hand.
(8) Smoke cigarettes and eat donuts.
(9) Get in van, as there is no point going back to see apples, farm animals, apple trees, pumpkins or other fall items.
(10) Get back out of van to smoke one more time.
(11) Return home with an empty bag of donuts and an empty pack of cigarettes.

It took us longer to get to the orchard than it did to actually be at the orchard.

This, of course, is not to say everyone with mental illness smokes (or, that everyone with mental illness ignores the various delights of apple orchards). It is just to say that there seems to be a pattern with those with schizophrenia to smoke ridiculous amounts of cigarettes in a day. In fact, I've seen scientific data that suggests 90% of those diagnosed with schizophrenia smoke. (I don't profess to know why that is or what comes first--the MI or the smoking, or if there is any other correlation besides boredom, but I do know first hand that the data seems correct.)

I have not seen any data suggesting that those with schizophrenia don't like apples.

Me? I didn't eat any donuts and I didn't smoke, so I guess that's good. I unfortunately had stuffed pizza for lunch before going to the orchard, which did NOTHING for my pleurisy pounds or my cholesterol level. While an apple would have been healthier, it would not have been as tasty as a stuffed pizza. I guess Lucy Lawless will just have to accept me with my Pleurisy and pizza pounds.

Speaking of Lucy, it's ONE WEEK, one short week until the convention. ONE WEEK! I hyperventilate just thinking about it. I've still got half of season six to watch, but I am confident I will make it by the time Argo Warrior Princess and I head to the Mecca of the Xenaverse convention. Well, I'll make it as long as I do nothing else but work, sleep and watch videos. (And, walk the dogs. I always have to walk the dogs.) Maybe I should take up smoking and donut-eating as means of achieving this task. Throw in some Starbucks and I think I'd have a plan. No more pizza, tho--I had horrible indigestion after that one. I am SO not used to eating real cheese (they don't make soy cheese stuffed pizza) and I'm not used to eating that much of anything in one sitting.

Just so you know, I hold my Golden Ticket every day. I'd carry it around and show everyone, but being the spaz that I am, I'm afraid I'd lose it and then I'd be suicidal. I'd sleep with it but I drool, so I don't want a drool-covered ticket to take to the convention. It just sits on the kitchen table, smiling at me.

Is this a great life or what?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

THE GOLDEN TICKET!You know how Charlie finds the Golden Ticket in the Willy Wonka Candy Bar? Well, that's how I feel about getting my Xena convention Gold Ticket in the mail. Stoked!
I'm holding the Golden Ticket!!!

The convention is getting much closer. I have yet to lose a pound, I have yet to purchase a new wardrobe and I still have 3/4 of season six to watch. The wife is worried because I've chosen to watch Xena reruns "over" watching 'Dancing with the Stars.' (Actually, I watch Xena on the laptop while wearing headphones and Dancing/Stars on the TV in front of me. All this Xena viewing is kind of like being motion sick--a bit much but a necessity--I love that Dancing show but I must prevail in the Xena-watching department.) Thankfully, the wife will be out of town tomorrow afternoon & evening, so I'll be able to watch four or five episodes tomorrow. Oooh, I get nauseous just thinking about that. (Damn! Grey's Anatomy starts tomorrow, too. I'm gonna have to think about that.....I can't watch Grey's and Xena at the same time.....)

I'll be honest--there isn't much more to write about than my excitement over the Golden Ticket. It's walk the dogs, fondle the ticket, work, watch Xena, eat chocolate, walk the dogs, sleep. Walk the dogs, fondle the ticket, work, watch Xena, eat chocolate, walk the dogs, sleep. Even the dogs think I'm boring...... I know you blessed blog reader will indulge me in this once-in-a-life time opportunity. I promise there are more poop & work stories in the near future but until Lucy Lawless has left the State of Illinois, don't count on anything but Xena......

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Pregnancy PUPPPS & One sick pup


Thank god Cheeseball neighbor finally had a party last night to match the caliber of parties gone by--we were starting to get worried that Cheeseball neighbor was falling fast into a sober funk. I hadn't planned on joining the festivities (I was on-call and thought it best to stay home and scrapbook at the kitchen table instead of staring at drunken card players),
but the wife (who had indeed gone next door to the party) called to say Lawyer Grrrl was there and that she was one week from giving birth to her soon-to-be-baby daughter. As I am a huge Lawyer Grrrl fan, I stepped away from the scrapbook and meandered next door.


Lawyer Grrrl (aka LG) was plopped on the couch, feet up, looking very, very pregnant. She's been on bed rest for many a week due to problems with pre-eclampsia (now THERE'S something
my sister can talk about!). While we were yipping about her pending birthing opportunities, she mentioned that she had PUPPPS. I didn't know what the hell that meant, so being the nosy bastard that I am, I inquired about the PUPPPS thing. In all my years on the planet, I have never heard of such a thing, but I'm here to tell you, that PUPPPS is NOT the way to go when pregnant.



According to Babycenter.com
, "Up to 1 percent of pregnant women develop a condition characterized by itchy, red bumps and larger patches of a hive-like
rash on their bellies. This is called pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP) or polymorphic eruption of pregnancy." (Wow, that sounds a lot like Pleurisy-ed Up pounds of Painful Poop.) "PUPPP usually begins in the third trimester and is more common among women carrying twins and those having their first baby. The eruptions usually show up first on the abdomen around or in stretch marks (if you have any) and may spread to your thighs, buttocks, and arms. PUPPP is harmless for you and your baby, but it can itch like crazy!"

LG showed me her belly--there was indeed a rash and it didn't look like it would be a lot of fun. (The photo shown here, unabashedly gleaned from medscape.com, is just an example of PUPPPS--it is NOT how LG's belly looked--but, I'm always up for a gross medical photo.) She agreed that the itching was painfully intense. She decided to focus on the birth of the baby next week as a means of "curing" the PUPPPS. I stood there thinking, "Man, this is gonna be one lonnnnnnnnnnng week." I am still amazed that I have never heard of this thing before. I pride myself on knowing all sorts of ridiculous medical nonsense and here is something I have literally never, ever heard of....guess I need to hang around more pregnant people.

I didn't stay long--a few minutes with LG and I was out the door. The wife wasn't far behind, as there were several students from her place of employment (quite to the wife's horror--what the heck where these youngsters doing next door?). Unfortunately, my own PUP (not PUPPP) Lucy was very sick indeed.

Lucy, Bark of Poteidaia, is having some type of gastrointestinal distress--of an unknown variety.
Suffice it to say that her belly is making disgustingly loud noises, she vomited the most disgusting pile of puke I've seen in a long time and she looks absolutely miserable. In fact, she is so miserable she refused her treats last night and this morning. She turned her face up at cottage cheese (one of her favorite things in life) and she didn't come running when I opened the ice cream (which is by far her favorite thing in life). I could barely get her to lick the spoon with ice cream on it--this is very troubling to me--she has never passed up a chance at ice cream. In an effort to keep her close to the front door (and me and the dog out of the doghouse), I slept with her on the couch. I use the word "slept" lightly, as there was little sleeping on my part. I was so afraid she would shoot poop or spew vomit everywhere that I literally couldn't sleep. Instead, I held her and listened to her belly make sad, gurgling sounds. (Side note: I did think about using the time I was awake in the middle of the night as an opportunity to watch three Xena episodes, but I was so worried about Lucy that I actually passed on this activity. That should demonstrate how worried I am.)

This morning, she still looks morose. There isn't anything much more pitiful than a sick dog. We've racked our brains on what she could have gotten into to make her so sick. The only thing we've come up with is that I gave her an "anti-anxiety bone" yesterday (one of those pressed sticks that are supposed to be safe to eat & purportedly lower anxiety--not that Lucy had anxiety but I'm sure she does now). Maybe she didn't chew well. Maybe the bones were old and moldy. Maybe her insides didn't like the anti-anxiety thing. The good news is that she will be getting a McDonald's hamburger in a few minutes, as the wife has gone off to buy Lucy one. The bad news is that it is already after 11 AM, I haven't showered and we are supposed to be leaving at 11:45 AM to watch some football with Master Reiki and Blue Eyes. My job is to make the rice, which I am about to do.....

Here's hoping that rice and McDonald's will cure Lucy. Now, if it were only so simple for the PUPPPS--I hear the only cure for that is giving birth....I don't think eating a McDonald's hamburger will do a thing for LG.....

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Preparing for Battle

As PPPPP (pleurisy pounds prohibit preparation with pushups), I have had to take other drastic means to prepare for the convention. I am running out of time and have to get moving, so...

I thought a little visual demonstration of my efforts my be in order. Apologies to you with dial-up access to the internet, as it will probably take you three days to open all these photos.

Preparation for the convention aka battle:

(1) Get the dogs practicing their warrior moves. (2) Study all these Xena characters I own. Here is Lucy Bark of Poteidaia getting a smack in the nose from Xena's sword. That'll teach Lucy to use her defensive tactics quicker. The dolls are lined up and ready to march for battle. (3) Sharpen Chakram skills.












(3) Bring out the satin Xena coat; surround by more action figures. (4) Study the rock and sand from the New Zealand beach where many a Xena episode was filmed. (Thanks to Argo Warrior Princess for actually bringing me these treasures. I am so jealous she was in New Zealand.) (5) Study all the Xena photos and autographs in the Xena scrapbook. Memorize tidbits of useless trivia about all the actors.



(6) Stand around Xena cut out, practicing for those 15 seconds with Lucy Lawless at the convention. (7) Continue to watch Xena episodes via computer. I'm almost done with Season Five. The poor wife....every time she looks at me, I am watching a Xena episode.

Will I make it through Season 6 before the convention? You bet your chakram I will!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Roll out the Barrel (You Fluff head)

In honor of the wife's birthday, Master Reiki, Blue Eyes & yours truly took the wife to a Milwaukee Brewer's game. Being a true Illinois-ian, I find Wisconsin to be a whole 'nother country. For instance, where else can you go to a ball game and (a) get offered a venison burger while tail-gaiting; (b) watch sausages race between innings; (c) sing "Roll out the Barrel" during the seventh inning stretch; and, (d) sit next to a drunken guy from La Crosse screaming "FLUFF HEAD!" while holding up a cardboard sign indicating the same thing????

Lest you think I'm kidding, I shall illustrate these points:


Before the game, there is this thing called tail-gaiting. (You can't tail-gate at a Cubs game because there is no parking lot.) Wisconsin folks take their tail-gaiting VERY seriously. Of course, being that 'flat landers' that we are, we didn't bring tail-gaiting materials (unless you count a bag of rainbow licorice and some pretzels as tail-gaiting items). No matter--the folks in Milwaukee are uber-friendly. The two people to our right of our parked car offered us some burgers--"We have ten burgers and there are only two of us." Master Reiki, sick of eating licorice, took the offer. Much to her surprise, she was now the proud owner of what I shall call a "Bambi Burger;" only in Wisconsin can someone offer you a hamburger and it's really a venison burger. Here she is putting some ketchup on her kill--er, catch of the day. (She said it was good but I noticed she was passing that thing around a lot.)


Here's my newest boyfriend, Mr. Fluff Head. He is from La Crosse, he was really drunk and he was very dedicated to his Fluff Head-ness. He was kind enough to explain that "Fluff Head" is a Phish song that the band hasn't played in over ten years and this is part of his crusade to get the band to once again place this reportedly awesome song. The guy was friggin' hilarious, although I admit I did get a terrific headache from all his screaming. He took time to show me that I was NOT high-fiving correctly and he explained his last name had a "E" not an "O" because he is Norwegian. Fluff head, indeed! (He came in VERY handy, as he scared the people in front of us away--it was much easier to see all the action on the field once they moved. Thanks, Fluff!) The older fans were not as amused by Mr. Fluff Head and even shooshed him a few times. I've never seen anyone shooshed at a sporting event before. No matter--he took it in great stride.



On to the racing sausages. Mr. Fluff Head wanted to bet on the sausages, so he pulled out a dollar bill and yelled, "WHO WANTS IN ON THE SAUSAGE RACE?" How could we pass up an offer like that? As there were five sausages and five of us, it was like the perfect storm. The wife picked the brat--she's the Wisconsin Cheesehead and it is her birthday, so she picked first--while Mr. Fluff Head demanded the Polish sausage. I went with the Italian sausage, leaving the Hot Dog and new Mexican Dog for Master Reiki and Blue Eyes. Interestingly, I learned that games on Sundays are a "relay race" where there are actually TWO sets of sausages. I thought it was rather confusing but everyone else seemed to be fine with the idea. TWO sets of running sausages! I am happy to say the Birthday Girl won the money. Mr. Fluff Head didn't seem too upset--as soon as the sausages were done running, Mr. Fluff went sprinting to the bathroom, not much unlike a running sausage....



Roll out the Barrel! Now, I am used to singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" with Harry Caray, so imagine my surprise when the crowd sang a rousing rendition of "Roll out the Barrel." Those Wisconsin-ites take beer, cheese, sausages and their sporting teams very seriously. I was so entertained that I took a photo of the scoreboard so all my friends in Illinois would actually believe this kind of thing happens just north of the border. Mr. Fluff Head turned to me at one point and asked, "why aren't you singing?" I had no real answer. He put his arm around me and we swayed back and forth like true Cheese Heads. I'm sure my wife was in heaven.

Speaking of the wife, she was walking through the pro shop and she bumped into her brother! (That's Mr. Tommy Hilfiger to those of you who are regular blog readers.) Imagine her surprise to learn her brother, niece, nephew and father were in attendance at the game. We stopped by and said hello to everyone. (Side note: The ushers in Wisconsin are much nicer than those in Chicago--they allowed us to go say "hi." In Chicago, they's bark out, "screw you" and point you away from anything not in your assigned section.) So, imagine her even BIGGER surprise when she ran into her OTHER brother, sister-in-law and nephew while walking back to her seat. It was a family affair. Mr. Fluff Head astutely noted: "Wow! It's not really that surprising that all of them would be at the same game--but it IS amazing that they ran into each other." I had to agree.One other thing I have to mention: where else can you watch fine young people be enlisted into the army while at the ball diamond? I couldn't believe it--but, here is proof that it happened. You can even say the oath along with the new recruits. Trust me--I didn't say the oath along with them. I did refrain myself from screaming "DON'T DO IT!" or other vulgarities toward the government so I consider that a victory of sorts. Mr. Fluff Head was late for the game, so he missed this "opportunity" to voice his MANY loud comments for the new recruits and the Army in general.

The day ended with a Brewer Victory and no problems getting out of the parking lot, so the wife's day was complete. Leaving anything in Chicago never goes smoothly and everyone is full of road rage. In Milwaukee, everyone is polite and considerate and no one is trying to kill each other while leaving the parking lot. The Cubs also won, so that was the only moment that was less than perfect for the wife, as a Cubs win means the Brewers are still a game out of first place. Maybe by the time the wife's "real" birthday gets here, the Brewers will be in first place and Mr. Fluff Head will have succeeded in getting his favorite Phish song broadcast across the nation.

Until then, Go Cubs! :-)

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Xena meets the Pleurisy Pounds
OH...

......MY......

....................GOD!!!!!

I am going to have my photo taken with Lucy Lawless!!!!


Now, to you not of the Xena cult, this may not sound like a big deal. To me, the professional Xena stalker, this as close to an out-of body experience I'm ever going to have.

It's all the fault of Argo Warrior Princess, co-queen of the upcoming Xena convention in Chicago. See, Argo WP aptly determined that the opportunity to meet Lucy in person and have Lucy shake your hand, put her arm around you, smile into a camera while her arm is around you is the way to go--after all, she said, this IS a once in a life time opportunity. I had originally poo-pooed the idea pf spending another pile of money to have a photo op with Lucy Lawless after the sucking of my money via the tie-rod fiasco. Argo decided that I would have to have this experience and thus offered to pay for my photo opportunity.

I wet myself when I got her email indicating this.

She's right, of course. It IS a once in a lifetime thing and we ARE already going to be there and WHEN opportunity knocks, you SHOULD open the damn door.

I decide that I will bite the bullet and pay for my photo, despite this most generous offer. I waited about ten milli-seconds and then hopped on the web, securing us two photos with Lucy.

This is getting to be as costly as those Madonna concerts in June 2006.

My new hesitation is this: a Pile of Pleurisy pounds plus ten pounds added on by the camera equals one damn shame. So, not only do I have to worry about what the heck I am going to wear and what I am going to do with my hair and how I am ever not going to blink or make some stupid face...I have to worry about Lucy meeting my Pleurisy Pounds.

Okay, so it's only 15 seconds of fame (literally--you get to walk up, shake hands, pose, shake hands, walk away), but it's 15 seconds of GLORIOUS fame and thus I must look my best. I don't have time to lose the pleurisy pounds, so I'm going to have to go with fashion camouflage. The company taking the photos suggest not wearing white, as it doesn't photograph well, but they didn't say anything about black. I'm afraid I'll fade into the background if I wear all black (well, you'd be able to see my hair and my face but that's about it) but I look pretty good in black and black is a slimming color and I certainly wouldn't clash with Lucy if wearing black, as how can black clash with anything and if I fade into the background wouldn't that look slimming in a big way?

There is only one answer: I am going to have to go shopping for something new to wear for this momentous occasion.

(Screw Dave Ramsey. I have no time to pay bills when I have photo ops to prepare for. My bills can wait, can't they? Dave, I promise I'll get back on the ball as soon as Lucy leaves town. I can still be debt free by January 31, 2008 if I don't eat through the end of the year...)

You know what's going to happen when it comes my turn to have my photo taken with Lucy, don't you? I am going to be unable to create a coherent sentence, I won't be able to choke out my name, I'll pee on myself, my Pleurisy Pounds will be gawked at by Lucy, I'll have the photo taken and then I'll pass out.

I will CERTAINLY get my money's worth if all that happens.

(I better let Argo WP get her picture taken first. After all, why would she want to stand in my pee and what if Lucy stops having any further photos after said pee has been excreted out of my urethra?)

I am open to suggestions/consultation regarding wardrobe options. No leather, no Xena costumes, no white. Otherwise, I'm game. Of course, I'll need new shoes, too--who can buy new clothes without new shoes? And, if I'm going to pee on myself, I might as well pee on new shoes, right?

Right.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

JOXER THE MIGHTY IS COMING TO TOWN!!Okay, so I've been feeling like shit the past few days. I've got this stupid scratchy throat, my hair hurts, I'm hot and cold and hot and cold, I'm not really sick yet but I feel too sick to be not sick....

....and then, the news came to me via email this evening and I have all but forgotten how shitty I feel....why?
BECAUSE JOXER THE MIGHTY IS COMING TO TOWN!
(thanks to alookatjoxer.com for the awesome photos, lyrics, sound waves. Goddess love ya!)

Okay, okay, I know 98% of you have NO idea who Joxer is let alone how to say his name. (It sounds like Boxer, although I like to throw a little "st" sound in there, like jock-ster. Nonetheless, he IS the Mighty. ) Joxer, aka Ted Raimi, is a major/minor character on Xena. I hate to admit it, but I have a powerful passion for this mess of a man and I've always thought he'd be great to see at a convention. Ted is a comedic genius and there is not much I like better in the world than slapstick comedy in a Xena episode. (He also can play the straight man, but I'll take him blowing up his face or tripping over his own feet...) You may have seen him in the
Spiderman movies--he has some "a bit more than a cameo" parts in those movies and I can't look at him without thinking, "hey! there's Joxer!" If I were going to dress up as a Xena Character (and I won't be doing that for the convention, but if I WERE to), I'd dress up as Joxer. Bet you wouldn't have guessed that.

So, imagine my excitement when Creation Entertainment sent out today's email saying that Joxer would indeed be one of the stars at the October Chicago Convention.....
It was like Lucy took me to her bosom and all was
wonderful in the world!


Joxer has his own little songs on the show. At times, I find myself walking down the halls singing the little diddies, catchy as they are. It's not the same without hearing the melody, but I like him and his songs so much, I am so going to post them below.

(Side note: You can type in http://www.alookatjoxer.com/sounds/song/illusiav.wav and see if it brings up the song, but if it doesn't, call me and I'll sing for you.) or, if you would prefer I didn't sing, enter http://www.alookatjoxer.com/joxdolls.html and make paper dolls of Joxer the Mighty!)Don't you just want to dress Joxer up? I do!

By the way, I think having Ted Raimi come to the convention is the Universe's way of apologizing to me for all those car repair bills. "We're sorry about all those bills. Have Ted with our condolences." Hey, I can take the bills if the Universe is going to give me gifts. (Hey, how bout a monetary Lotto gift to go along with my Ted Raimi siting???!!)

Anyway, here is his song. Trust me, it's funny. Or not. Sing it with me!

He roams through the countryside;
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick
Fighting with her little stick,
Righting wrongs and singing songs,
Being mighty all day long
He's Joxer . . . he's Joxer the Mighty!

Ohhhh . . .
He's Joxer the Mighty,
He's really tidy.
Everybody likes him
Because he has a funny grin.
Joxer the Mighty,
He's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome it's a sin.
If you're in jeopardy
Don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy
(Although he doesn't work for free).
He's every man's trusty,
He's every woman's fantasy,
Plus he's goo-ood company.
He's Joxer...
I'm Joxer the Mighty!

Blood...valour...and victory! Ha-ha!
Joxer the Mighty,
He's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome it's a sin.
When things get grim
He'll take it on the chin.
If you're in jeopardy
Caused by the enemy
Don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy
(Although he doesn't work for free).
He's every man's trusty,
He's every woman's fantasy,
Plus he's goo-ood company.
Look out! He's Joxer...
Joxer the Mighty!

I really AM a great, big nerd!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Sunday Snippets

The dreaded P.P.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I have a dreaded case of "P.P."
What is "P.P.?" you ask.
Why, it's the dreaded Pleurisy Pounds.
(Here I am smiling BEFORE I discovered the dreaded P.P.) Since I've been able to do nothing but eat and sleep while recovering from my Pleurisy, I've managed to pack on a few extra pounds. This does NOT entertain me or my suddenly-tighter pants. Worse, I think the weight is re-distributing itself into my triceps and outer thighs....I thought getting a little more sporty might help but there isn't much I can yet do without fear of re-injuring my dainty pleura...so...

DON'T BUG ME:
.....I thought I'd do a little gardening today, as it's beautiful out, by I am here to tell you that the mosquitoes are out in full force and they are HUNGRY. There are so many of them that they look literally like moving black clouds rising from the the shrubs. And, they are BIG. I swear I saw one pick up Freckles right off the lawn. I gave up after only being outside for 20 minutes. Now that it has finally stopped raining, the bugs are out in full force. Poor Middle Niece is like a mosquito magnet--she gets bit five times for every other humans one time and she puffs up with these awful welts....but.....

FUNGUS AMONG-US:.......I did find the most disgustingly large fungi in the garden during the few minutes I was out there. In fact, it was so large that I made the wife go get the camera. It's not as cool as the stinkworms or or stinkroot or stinkshrooms or stink whatever those were last year, but this was pretty cool. It smelled mushroomy, too so that was kind of interesting. The first one I found looked like a giant gray butt (as illustrated above). Others I found looked like smaller broken rocks (as illustrated below). But even a giant fungus amongus could keep me outside, so I came in and....PRAISE JESUS, HOT-LANTA!
....I decided to go on line and find out a bit of info on where the wife's baby sister has gone on her one-year mission. Really. Baby Sis is hanging out in the ghettos of Hot-lanta as part of a year long mission-ship. I was kind of skeptical about the whole thing, but once I checked out the website, I felt a whole lot better about it. I then "Google-Earthed" her apartment's address, but I can't really see much except that she's not far from the old Olympic Village and she seems to be near a lot of railroad tracks. The wife's mom wanted to know if we could see if Baby Sis had air conditioning. Um, no we can't see THAT much detail. I am going to set a link on this blog so we can keep track of the weather in Hot-lanta, as the wife is always asking me about this. If I put the link on, I won't have to wonder--I'll just point her to the blog. So, if you see info about the weather in Hot-lanta on this blog, that's what it's all about. Jesus and Baby Sis. But, before I get around to doing that, I go on to check out my football picks....

R U READY 4 SOME FOOTBALL?
...but come to find out that I must have been having an out-of-body experience when I made my picks, as I am in last place, losing to even three people in the pool who auto-generated (random) their picks. Alas, I absolutely love football pools, even tho I tend to REALLY suck at them. I even squeaked in to Bony Spur Man's family fantasy football pool (Bony Spur man being my father--let's call him BSM for short) for more humiliation. I have fun making my picks but I don't really know what I'm doing. Ah well, I still like to talk smack and tease others. My goal this year is (1) not to come in last place in my annual pool (I'm the commissioner, for pete's sake--you'd think I'd know something); and, (2) to beat BSM in his fantasy pool (which will most likely not happen but it will give me fodder for family gatherings).....as my scores continue to spin downward, I decide there is only one thing left to do this Sunday evening....

JOXER, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY APPLES:
....and that's to watch two more Xena episodes. I am SO far behind in this department, I should not even bother sleeping before going to the convention the first weekend in October. I will be watching a minimum of two episodes per day. I'd try and sneak in a few at work, but I think the client's might notice if I were peeking at a computer screen when I'm supposed to be listening them in counseling. If I make this Xena-watching sound like a chore, it is because it is--it's like a job. A very serious job. (That comment about the apples is from one of my favorite episodes, "Animal Attraction," Season 5...the episode where we learn Xena is mysteriously pregnant. Trust me, the apples thing was funny in context.) At least I can still watch Xena when I am having pleurisy pounds....

....and thus endeth another weekend. Watch out, BSM, I'm coming to get you!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

5:30 AM in the Addiverse, Part II

Ah, the morning ritual, part II....

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Wednesday in the Addiverse

How do you know it's time to go shopping in the Addiverse?

Um...when the frig looks like this, it's probably time to go shopping...unless you can live on diet coke, red cabbage and pickles....
...it's also a big hint that it's time to go shopping when the dog treat jar is empty.....This is Lucy, eyes wide shut, in honor of the empty treat jar.Why, here's a photo of me looking for my $250.00. What, you don't see it, either?

Today featured ANOTHER trip to the car dealer. This time was only $250.00. Let's see--last week, $1000. Today, $250.00. The Universe is making it oh-so-hard to be debt free by January 2008 as planned. So, for all that money, I want to see what I purchased...
...but it all looks rusty and old to me. You'd think there would at least be something shiny and pretty for $1250.00. Do you know how many tattoos, pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate and trips to Xena conventions & Madonna concerts I could purchase for that amount? (Okay, so I could only get one Madonna concert ticket, one Xena convention gold-member admission, an arm sleeve of a tattoo and three bags of Dove dark chocolate, but who's counting??) Well, I suppose I could squeeze in a bag or two of groceries for that amount.....

.....next life I'm not coming back as a lesbian--I'm coming back as an auto mechanic!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Would you like fries with that tie rod?Yes, I'm still whining about my car...but before I whine more, let me tell you about what happened last night on the job.....

For this I went to college, Part 347:
God love the chronically mentally ill......I'm covering for a staff who didn't quite make it to work last night and thus I am watching clients take their medication. (I can't say I'm giving them their medication because I am certainly not doing this and I am not trained to do this and thus my master's degree eyeballs are watching clients take their medications.) In walks "Mr. Terminally-Manic-Anxious-Man" and he's all befuckled because I'm there and his site staff is not. He's rambling and fretting and pacing and I can tell he is really a-thither with me there and he's not very happy about me watching him take meds instead of his "usual" staff doing this job. Mr. TMAM then realizes he has forgotten to bring a cup or mug with him as part of his medication-taking ritual. I don't have any paper cups to offer him and he whines and paces and frets some more about the lack of a cup.....

.....Just as I am about to tell him to go back to his apartment and get a cup, he literally walks over to the staff desk, dumps the pens and pencils out of the mug on the said desk, pours water in the dirty pen/pencil mug, throws the pills in his mouth and chugs down the dirty mug water and pills, all before I could spit out one word.

I absolutely swear this is true.

Then, he puts the mug on the desk, throws the pens and pencils back in the still wet mug and leaves the office, all without missing a beat.

For this I went to college? You betcha!
Back to whining about my car....my 2002 Mazda Tribute...of which I love...of which I hate...

...when does one decide whether or not to put money into repairing a car verses just going out and buying a new damn car? I'm not used to being in this position...I'm used to having new cars before problems begin. So, I'm turning to you, dear blog readers, to help me in my quest to find the meaning of car repair.You know that $1000 I put into repairing my 5 year old car last week? Well, now there is a loud clunking noise coming from the front of the car, right in the area they told me they fixed. This does not make me happy. Add to that the problem with the electric windows & locks (that work when they want to and not when they don't want to--that's really helpful) and I've got a dilemma.....a 50,000 miles hunk of junk or a 50,000 mile investment. How to tell?

On both the positive and negative side, my car has a lot of new parts: the clutch & clutch disk were replaced around 20,000 miles. The Rack and pinion doohickies were replaced at about 13, 000 miles. The accelerator valve has been replaced twice. The battery was replaced at 41, 000 miles. The throttle body plate, engine light sensor, tie rods, bushings, arm control thingies all have been replaced....that's a lot of new parts. Good for me!

I have brand new tires on the car....The wife has always made sure the tires are properly inflated, the oil has always been changed on time, the car has been "tuned up" as requested. The wife has kept that car shiny both inside and out. I've even had one of the seat belts fixed. The car has never been in an accident. The six-changer CD is rockin' and the floor mats look brand new. We've even replaced the wiper blades awhile back. Way good for me!
....On the down side, there is that clunking, there is that "none of the windows will open" problem, I've shoved the wrong key in the ignition four times (see previous blogs for the sad stories about this) and there's all that rust on the underside of the car. The back seat doesn't lock into place (you know, when I put the seats up, the bench seat doesn't fully click into place--I've just ignored it for the past three years). I did spill that entire frappaccino in the car way back when but I don't really see any problems from that.....Not so good for me...

I really, really do NOT want a new car but I certainly don't want to put all my "could have had more tattoos and Xena crap money" into pooh on wheels. I want tattoo and Xena money. I NEED tattoo and Xena money.....

So, I turn it over to you and the Universe. Vote early and vote often for the addiverse car situation....no car knowledge needed--feel free to voice opinions based on a love of a car color, love of new car smell, of whatever "turns your car on...."

I'd whine more but it's time for L.A. Ink, so I'll have to save my whining for later....Kat Von D, save me!