Thursday, November 29, 2007

Football Hell


Hell hath No fury like a Packer Fan who can't see the game cuz the game's being broadcast on the lame-o-pay- more-money-to-the-cable-company-NFL channel.....

...and, tonight is the big Packer game....on that stinky NFL channel....


(By the way, that's a Packer Bowling Ball. I put it here so my bowling family can take part of the Packer Fun, although I don't see a lot of people in the Chicago suburbs rolling these puppies down the lanes...)
If there is one thing I have learned after all these years of living with a Packer Backer, born and raised in the Cheddarlands of Wisconsin, is that you NEVER, EVER mess with their Packer Games

 It's like messing with a teacher's "Snow Day." Don't do it!

Don't plan dinner during a game.
Don't get in front of the TV during the game.
If the choice is free Packer Tickets or going to church, go to the game--you can always go to church later.
If there is a game, you plan your life around it.
The old joke is that if your wife dies and you have Packer tickets, you go to the game (even if it's during her visitation).
If a Packer game is on a Thursday night, you....

...wait a minute--a Thursday night?

Herein lies the problem. Thursday night games are the invention of cable companies and the NFL. Do I smell money-making racket here or what?

The poor wife.
With tonight's HUGE game--Packers vs. Cowboys--I thought she'd give birth over how disgusted she was about this....we don't get the NFL channel--you have to pay extra for it. What a rip off. She's already paying like seven zillion dollars a month to have cable TV, digital, with internet service, and now she's talking about paying even more money so she can see the game at home.

The wife is not alone in her pain and misery. Packer fans across the town are lamenting this issue. At work (in the Land of Lincoln--there should be some law against this, but there is not--what are cheeseheads doing in our state, anyway?), people have been talking about not being able to see the game and about how it is going to suck to have to go to a smoky bar just to see the game. I hate smoke and I hate how late the game is and I need my beauty sleep and I am just not thrilled about the thought of this but I know the wife MUST see this game...

MJagger, proud subscriber to the NFL Channel, is willing to have her sister over but not the wife, as the wife is all about the Packers and MJagger is all about the Cowboys...and never the twain shall meet. It would be an ugly, ugly thing and I am NOT ready for that scene.


 "Tonight's Packers-Cowboys matchup is one game you don't want to miss. But depending on where you live, you probably will. And that stinks.


 As of now, the overwhelming majority of football fans won't be able to see the game because it's being broadcast on the NFL Network. There will be local over-the-air coverage in the home markets of the teams, which means Milwaukee, Green Bay and Dallas-Fort Worth. But fans in the rest of the country, including most parts of Wisconsin and Texas, will be in the dark unless they have sports bars or friends who get the NFL Network in the immediate vicinity.

Like so many other unfair things in life, this one comes down to money and the pursuit of it. The NFL Network and the big cable TV companies have been scrimmaging for years over the issue. In the losing column are the fans and viewers, the same people who, of course, ultimately help to pay the bills."

The wife had to make a decision--suck it up and pay the extra money to get the "Sports Package" from the cable company (the only way to get the NFL channel), go to a bar or miss the game. There was no way she was gonna choose to miss the game. That would be almost sacreligious....but, spending more money on the TV seemed ridiculous.....

She contacted me at work about it. I'm not stupid. I was all about getting the channel at home. I'm all about the wife being happy. I'm all about the wife watching the game in the peace and quite of her home, far from any Dallas fans.

"I'LL PAY THE EXTRA COST!" I shout out.

This decision and my monetary offering should win me big points plus it means I won't have to leave the house tonight. I can always go to bed while she watches the game. Of course, she'll have to sit in one room, as we only have digital cable on one TV. Another rip-off. Want more than one TV on digital? Pay more. Ugh! They've got us by the balls--the footballs, that is.

We've invited Master Reiki and Blue Eyes to come join the fun for the game. (Who the hell has the NFL channel besides MJagger? No one else I know.) So, if you are looking for someone who has the NFL channel, give us a call.

Just don't call tonight. NEVER mess with a Packer fan while the Packer game is on....

Pray for a green and gold victory!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Turkey Tumbling & Other T-day Giblets

What I am thankful for this year: Is there any question? I am super grateful that I got to meet Lucy Lawless. Shallow but true. Here I am weilding a sword from the Xena show. (That puppy was HEAVY.) Thank you, Universe and Argo Warrior Princess for making that dream come true. Ay-ai-ai-ai-ai!

I'm also gonna say I am grateful that I am "back" to owning a Honda, although I have to say back to "having" a Honda. I didn't own that first car--it was my parents' car but somehow I kidnapped it and it was never seen again. I owe them a car. Really. When I am rich and famous, the first thing I will do is buy them a Cadillac in honor of this theft.

Yesterday, this turkey tumbled right down the stairs as part of the Thanksgiving holiday. (The photo to the left is a turkey trying to fly, not me falling down the stairs, but it gives you the idea that turkeys do not fly very well and neither do I.) Thankfully (it IS Thanksgiving, so we must be thankful), we live in a tri-level, so a turkey tumble is pretty limited in nature. The wife, who was fast asleep on the couch, barely became conscious despite my ruckus. I mean, things were flying--two books went zipping through the air (one of them that YOU book I talked about a blog or two ago), the other a Melissa Good book. My slipper slipped....the wife was probably still exhausted from all that Shopping she did on Friday, so I have to give her a break. I'm hear to tell you that I am ESS-OH-ARE-EEEE. My little turkey wing was not meant to go backwards.

Remember that football injury from September 2006? (If not, you'll have to go back and read it. There is nothing like Jesus reffing a good game of flag football. http://addiwp.blogspot.com/2006/10/slugs-weird-fungi-flag-football-for.html) Well, I re-injured the same ankle when tumbling. No "Dancing with the Stars" for this tumbler. I also almost ripped my right arm out of its socket, as the only thing that wasn't airborne was my right hand which--for good or bad--was clinging on to the banister. I haven't decided if it would have been better had I not given the death grip to the thing but, in a twist on the infamous words of Dennis Green, "it was what we thought it was." (Never mind to you non-football watching fools.) I scared the dogs but otherwise, I don't think I scared the wife. She did offer to get me some ice once she woke up....

Speaking of the day of thanks, the wife's family once again put on quite the spread. Thankfully, the Green Bay Packers were victorious. Had they lost the game, it would have been one morose pile of wifely relations. The food is always stupendous--even this vegetarian has much to choose from on this poultry-laden day. I am all about the green beens and the "Death by Chocolate" brownie dessert. In fact, I snuck some of that home in a used Cool Whip container I found on the counter.

Those of you who know me and/or have been reading the blog know that the wife's family is VERY serious about this thankful thing. Every year, they go around and say what they are thankful for. As this is a large family, that takes time. As they each have a lot to say, it takes a longer time. As everyone is sobbing with joy & gratitude, it takes about a week. There is a lot of praising Jesus as part of the festivities and there is a lot of me avoiding having to take my "turn." I, by the way, am a big shallow chicken who every years mutters something stupid and then "passes." I am very thankful for many things--I'm just not ready to publicly announce my innermost feelings to a bunch of Packer Fans--er, I mean in-laws.

This year, brother Tommy Hilfiger took things to new heights. I'm used to the crying and the praising and the praying and the speeches, but I will never get used to Tommy handing out money, no matter what the occasion. This is the guy who just bought a Cadillac Escalade--cash--and surprised his parents last February with a brand new car. So, he reads his list of thanks (yes, this year he wrote it down) and then hands middle sister an envelope....with a check for $1000. Not for any particular reason, but because he can and because he is truly that generous & humble of a guy. He says a little something and then hands an envelope to his brother--you guessed it--another check for $1000. Tommy then turns to the wife and gives her an envelope. Is this the greatest Thanksgiving or what? I am so excited I am about to excrete urine through my urethra.

What to do with the money, wonders the wife as we are driving home....me, with my stolen brownie dessert in the backseat, driving the moldy Saturn; the wife in the passenger seat, gleefully fretting about the check. She DID just buy two new sets of tires and the check would cover the cost of that....but, how fun is that? Not very. I'm all for her paying for the tires but I can tell she is mulling over other options. I'll let you know what she decides......

The wife did indeed get up at 4:30 AM and join the masses in the annual day-after Thanksgiving shopping frenzy. Surprise--I stayed in bed. She seems to find great sport in this activity but I find no fun in it, so I stayed home and shopped on line while she fought for parking spaces, carts and actual gifts. She did seem to get some great bargains and got almost all of her shopping done. Me, too--although my gifts are somewhere between here and the Internet.

Finally: Ah, Young Love! Here's a big shout out to Suzuki DiFranco and her new side kick Cheesus Cheezer, young love in action. You go, girls!

We were very fortunate to share some time and dinner with Little Debbie Sneezeclumper & Phlange-a-slam's daughters this weekend, which always makes me very happy. Suzuki's sibling Coloradocello and her boyfriend ChefBronco were also there, which was nice as we had never met him. I think the highlight of the dinner (no offense to Coloradocello or Chefbronco) was meeting Suzuki's new gal pal and watching young love in action. As they currently live in Northampton, MA--the lesbian capitol of the world-- they are not used to not displaying affection in public. Um, let's just say the Thai restaurant patrons may never be the same--this old grandma kept staring at our table and just couldn't figure things out. (They don't know this as they were facing away from the patrons and toward us and the wall. It really was quite cute and humorous. Isn't this the 21st century, people??!!!)

Now, there was absolutely not one thing wrong with what they were doing--it's not like they were spawning or anything....It was actually quite refreshing and wonderful. It made me all warm and fuzzy and smiley. If Thai-going Grandma would have taken one milli-second to think about it, she would have been all warm and fuzzy, too. It's really too bad as there is nothing like young love to make you gag with glee. (That's a good thing.) I mean, What could ever be wrong with two people being totally smitten with each other?????

We had good conversation--about poop and gall bladder cleansing--as well as good food and fun everyday chatter about this and that. We wanted everyone to come over after dinner, but they had made plans to go play Wii with some Republicans, so they couldn't stay. (I'm serious about this--both the Wii part and the Republican part. They are better people than I, agreeing to such an event.) The dinner went way too quickly and I suddenly wished I had a Wii so they could compare Wii-ing with Democrats as opposed to Republicans. I'm sure we would Wii with the best of them.....I love those grrrlz and only wish we could see more of them. Perhaps a trip to the east coast is in order....and, the wife has never been to Colorado, so that could be two good trips to plan....

....hey, doesn't she have a spare $1000 to use for a trip????? :-)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Update on an Update--Gobble Gobble, Dave Ramsey

Attention boys and girls, moms and dads--THIS is my new car.
This is the color and the style--some puky gray brown taupe ish color called Galaxy Gray Metallic--whatever that means--of a Honda Civic Coupe.

Dave Ramsey, eat your heart out.

I have so decided that Dave doesn't appreciate the smell of a new car interior.

This car buying experience was so positive and so fun that I almost cannot believe it. Trust me, I've purchased many a car in my life and none of the experiences was ever good, let alone fun. Doesn't matter the make or dealer--I've had dealer "pleasure" with at least two Chevy trucks, Two Toyotas, One Geo, one Chevy Car and one Mazda. (I"m sure I'm forgetting a few cars in there, but you get the idea.) Anyway, CarLady was delightful (just ask the wife), getting all the information on the Internet--for both the new car and selling my used car--was easy, dealing with CarLady over the internet was super-simple and the actual purchase of the car was fun.

You read that right. I said fun.

If any of you want to buy a new car, call me and I'll introduce you to CarLady....if any of you want to buy a used copy of Dave Ramsey's latest book, call me about that, too....

LOL! Happy Thanksgiving!
Gobble Gobble! It's a Car!

UPDATE:
Okay, so you regular readers might notice that the "commercial message" blog posting from Tuesday has been removed as I have sold the car!!! Woo Woo!

Actually, MJagger's dad sold the car, so he got the 10%. A happy thanksgiving, indeed! I kiss MJagger's feet for setting me up with her dad. (Wait, that sounds weird--I mean alerting me of her dad's used car salesmanship.) It was almost like cheating--I just detailed the car, gathered up the paperwork and he did the rest. Life is good.

The wife can now stop worrying that I won't be able to sell my car...Ye of little faith!!! Actually, I would have been mighty screwed and might have needed heavy medication to get through it all had I not sold the car by the time I picked up the new one on Monday.... Strangely enough, I didn't feel any panic about the whole thing--in fact, I felt rather confident about selling the car outright. Not cocky--just confident, like the Universe was going to be of assistance as needed. Weird but true. I just knew.

Now, if the Universe will just show me, MJagger and SLS sister that Lotto jackpot and the new jobs of our dreams, we'll be good to go!

(Note to current co-workers: I have yet to identify the job of my dreams, so don't start planning on what you are going to loot from my office just quite yet.)

Some of you know me know my "Ask-the-Universe-three-papers- gotta-do-what- the-paper says" method of making decisions. This is NOT for the faint of heart but rather for those who are willing to completely trust the Universe. You write down three options on paper, fold 'em up, pray a lot and then ask for guidance, all the while assuring the Universe you will honor whatever the paper chosen indicates.....I wrote my options down, I asked, I slept on the three pieces of paper (literally) for the night, got up, prayed, pulled out one of the papers, got my answer and did what it said: "Buy the Honda, sell the Mazda yourself."

I'm not kidding about this.

Some of you are now thinking that we need to increase the level of my anti-psychotic medication.


No worries. It's just the way I've done things and it has yet to fail me that I can remember. It IS nerve-wrecking in some ways as you HAVE to do what the paper says. You can't back out as you just gave the Universe your word.....

....really--no more medication....

So, the Holiday card this year will feature ramblings about new hair, new car and new tattoos. Thankfully, I have stayed with the same wife, same house, same job and same dogs. Some things never change and aren't meant to change, eh?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Tidbits for YOU on a Friday

Yes, that's Julie McCoy from the Love Boat. I dedicate this blog entry to all of you who know why the hell I would put a photo of her in this entry. The rest of you will just have to sit and wonder....

I'm "vacationing" at the 'rents house while the wife attends a P.E. conference down the road. Go figure--a P.E. convention! When I went to pick up the wife yesterday, I had a few minutes to sit in the parking lot. I'm here to tell you that a P.E. convention is a VERY casual ordeal--I've never seen so many sets of warm up pants in my life! You know, I hate to stereotype, but I could tell these people were P.E. kind of people--from the clothes to the hair, from the walk to the gymshoes. I was impressed that this lot of people looked to be in above average shape. Thinking back to my days in high school--my gym teachers (that's what we used to call them--they weren't PE Teachers yet) were not in such good shape. In fact, Miss Semen (I swear to God that was her name, poor thing) was built like a shit brickhouse. She was one big mama...thankfully so, with a name like that.

As I am lounging around, I thought it best to buy a book, so I went to Barnes & Nobles and purchased "YOU Staying Young: The Owner's Manual for Extending Your Warranty" by Dr. Roizen and Dr. Oz--yes, the Dr. Oz of Oprah fame. (I also bought Joel Osteen's new book for the wild mama, but I'll leave that one to her, as she is in God's favor.) I love their books--funny, informative and AWESOME illustrations by Gary Hallgren. If you've never looked in one of the YOU books, you have got to do it--it's worth it for the illustrations, as well as for the great information.

Part of the YOU book scares the piss out of me--that would be the chapter on "Glycosylation." What that big word means is that all that sugar I consume in a day is making my insides a big glob of goo and that it is much worse than I ever anticipated. I admit to my chocolaholic, sugar-filled ways, but I never thought it would lead to major health problems....here I thought I was doing a good job of keeping myself alive: a baby aspirin a day, walking at least a mile, no alcohol, no soda (diet or not), vegetarian, using soy milk, eating all that dark chocolate...but no. As the docs put it, this is dangerous stuff. I feel my blood start to curdle while reading the words on the page.

This gets me thinking--the information presented in YOU is along the exact same lines that Dr. Christian Northrup (another Oprah favorite) talks about in her book, "The Wisdom of Menopause." (Do you see a theme here about these books I'm reading? It's the -jesus-I-don't-want-to-age- gracefully- get-me- a-thyroid-level STAT" theme. Guess how old I am? And, don't say Sporty Five, cuz that saying now gives me hives.) This glycoslylation has the potential to mess with your connective tissue, gobbly-gook up your lungs, raise that blood pressure, lead to diabetes--it's pollution for the organs. Yikes!

So, what do I do?

I put the book down, get my sorry ass off the couch and go get some Hershey Kisses, that's what I do.

I can't stop cold turkey, for pete's sake. One must work her way into non-glue-co-sill-eation.

The recommendations are rather simple, if I am to understand it correctly (and, since I was only skimming the book while eating the Hershey Kisses, I make no guarantees I got this right), I need to consider adding ginsent, cinnamon and green tea to my diet; drink coffee (YEAH! I already do that one); eat sp,e good fats (aka add those Omega-3s to my diet); eat more veggies; cut down on all that sugar consumption; and, eat a chia pet. No, wait--that's eat Chia the whole grain product.

Where the heck does one find Chia?

Don't even get me started on the information on hormone replacement treatment-related things....

Speaking of hormones....the nieces are getting older & thus their hormones are a-raging, as evidenced by the moodiness of Eldest Niece, now a freshman in high school. Ah, youth! Eldest Niece spent much time threatening to slap Youngest Niece: "I'm gonna slap your head so hard....blah blah blah...when we get out of this car." Youngest Niece, not to be outdone, stated that she would not be getting out of the car. The slapfest threats contined throughout the night, quite to both my delight and horror. The wife turns to my mother and asks if my sister and I were like this. Wild mama says "no" but Father Taco Juan reminds her of how my sister and I would argue about "you're touching me!" and other such nonsense in the back seat. (We won't mention how my sister hit me in the head with an alarm clock.)

This evening will be spent once again with the Nieces, with the wife telling tales of her adventures of the P.E. Convention. Hopefully, no one will slap anyone and we will have plenty of Chia for all to eat. On second thought, I'm thinking that Sees candy looks awfully tasty.....

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tonight: Dancing with the Stars. Am I excited or what? I'm guessing this will be Marie Osmond's last week. How can they kick Jenny Garth off when Richard Simmons came to cheer her on & made her cry? Believe in yourself, Jenny! (Well, you'll be going home, but believe in yourself, anyways....)

Speaking of the Osmonds, did you see them on Oprah last Friday? Loved it! I had a tear. (Don't tell anyone.) The wife is way excited that Marie has made a Christmas Album. If you need an Osmond fix, cut and paste: http://www.osmond.com/



Chocolate-Coated Weekend
:
The wife and I were tromping through the local mall last Saturday....we hate the mall but had to go there because they moved the Barnes & Noble to the mall (the rat bastards!). Imagine our surprise when we ran right into a little kiosk filled with SEES CANDY--right in our mall! The wife and I looked at each other and then drooled on the boxes and boxes of chocolate. Molasses heaven!

Most of you Midwesterners are thinking, "what the hell is See's Candy?" It's my mother & father's fault that we love See's, as discovered when the lived in California. Ever since tasting the chocolate of the west, I am hard pressed to say Fannie May is better than See's, and for me to say that means something....after all, I am a Chicago-Fannie-May-raised kind of girl. If I had to pick between a Pixie and a Molasses chip.....I'd have to think long and hard about it.

The teeny bopper who was working the booth seemed pleased to finally have someone actually recognize her product. She gave us lots of free samples--yeah!--and we had plenty of time to discuss the merits of the various boxed sets of chocolate wonder. When I mentioned my parents had lived in California, I thought she's burst an ovary--she ran right over to a row of candies, pointing out that "THESE!" are the favorite in California.

We'll see. We'll ask my father.

AND, FINALLY: I'm trying to get on track with the poop talk; thus, it's time to talk about things that probably should not be mentioned....

....parasites!

MJagger, god love her, is convinced she has parasites--you know--worms in her poop. I have NOT been witness to this, but her description left me nauseous. (I'm not sure she wants it announced to the world that she thinks she has worms, but I can't resist. How can I NOT write about this?) For the record, I do NOT think MJagger has any type of worm, but until I can see what shoots out of her butt, I will not be able to confirm or deny this.

You know what it means when someone says something as unusual as "I think I have worms?" GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH!

The Internet is an amazing thing and Google just makes it that much better. Where else could you type in "intestinal parasites" and instantly see some of the most wonderfully disgusting photos on the planet?

I could provide some photos related to this problem, but I will spare you. Suffice it to say, there are A LOT of gross, disgusting photos out there. I have SOME standards, for pete's sake. I'll just see if MJagger wants to do a colon and parasite cleanse, we'll do it and I'll report the "findings."

Until then, I have to go vote for Jenny.....

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

MRSA, Poop and Puke

I haven't spoken about bodily functions (mine or others') for some time now, so I have to get back on track. I had a lot of time to think about things such as this while sitting in the ER with a client today, so stand back!

Being in a hospital screams one things these days: MRSA! That's mer-sah to you newbies. Don't be spelling it out--say it, Mer-sah. Unless you've been in a coma or out of the country, I know you've heard all the hoopla about this problem. Why, here's a photo of MRSA (or of a close-up of a Dancing with the Stars dress...it's hard to tell which is which). Thanks to newsday or newsweek or news something for the photo.

Anyhoo, I am standing in the ER thinking "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! DON'T PUT YOUR BAG ON THE FLOOR! DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE! FOR GOD'S SAKE--DON'T BREATHE!" Why? Because of MRSA, that's why. That's all the news on TV babbles about. Hard not to think about it in this MRSA-infested hospital hole.

Many of you may not know that MRSA is NOT a new thing. In fact, we have been yipping about it for years and years where I work. I'd almost find all the ridiculous coverage on the TV funny except that MRSA isn't very funny in itself. If only the wife got a nickel for every time I've said, "Geez, they act like this is something new," she'd be rich.

MRSA isn't something to laugh at, but I laugh anyway.

I spit in the face of MRSA.

Actually, the letters M-R-S-A remind me of my mother, as it technically spells Mrs. A, so that's a nice thing. Maybe I should start calling it Mrs. A instead of Mer-sah. That sounds so much more friendly.

I think I escaped the ER without a Mrs. A attack but only time will tell. I am now in the process of trying to figure out what I should sterilize and what I should just spit on.....

Bad news in the Addiverse: the wife and I think Freckles may be bulimic. Now, I've never heard of a bulimic dog, but Freckles Warrior Princess has produced a "food sausage" every night for the past four nights. We haven't seen her put her paw down her throat or anything, so I guess she's not technically truly bulimic. If you are asking what a food sausage is, let me describe it for you: (1) Freckles snarfs down her leftover dinner at 10 PM (don't ask why she's eating at this time at night); (2) Freckles has a long drink of water; (3) foooooooood fooooooood foooooood sausage blurps out. Here is Freckles ignoring me talking about her food sausages (yes, her eyes are closed, as in all photos of her).

A food sausage is exactly what it sounds like--it's food that comes right back out looking like when it went in, only now it's in a long sausage shape. In fact, it looks so much like the food that just went in that I am tempted to just let her eat it again....but, I pick it up with a napkin and throw it away. The good news is that no carpet cleaner is truly needed, as there is no stain or smell (besides the food smell). She's made many a food sausage before but never four nights in a row.

Don't be getting panicked--she eats her first course at 5 PM without incident. Nothing comes back up so it's not like there is some ridiculous medical problem. For some reason, that second batch doesn't want to stay in there. If I remember, I'll take a photo of her next sausage and post it here so you can see what I'm talking about. Lucky you.

As for the poop part of the story....well, you know how mind over matter can really screw you up? Try going to work and have them tell you, "the water will be off in the building from this time to that time." Then, try not to panic while thinking.... what....if....I..... have....to...... POOP?

Of course, the minute you start thinking this way, your bowels start rumbling and you are so screwed. It could be ten years between bouts of ever pooping at work and then you hear this and you suddenly have an urge to poop. You may never have pooped at work before and you will suddenly need to do so. It's just a fact.

Be still, my cramping bowel!

So, I'm sitting at my desk in the wee hours of the morning because I get to work so early and I'm sitting there reading the email that says the water will be off from 7:30 AM-10 AM and I'm thinking, "Oh god, what if I have to poop?"

You think I'm kidding? I am so not.

I'm sitting at my desk and start to make contingency plans....well, I could try to drive to.....well, nothing else is open close by....well, I'll need a little lead time to get to where I am going....well, I could poop in the parking lot.... you get the idea....maybe I should go somewhere and just be safe. Maybe I should go home for the morning. Maybe.....

You'll be happy to know I didn't have to poop in the parking lot or anywhere else, but I sure did think I felt poop a rumbling down there, not because it needed to but just because it could.

Maybe that's why Freckles makes food sausages--not because she needs to but because she can....

Monday, November 05, 2007

Praise the 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus!

The wife and I noticed that our fingernail clippers were missing a few weeks back. How we lost them is beyond us—we’ve kept them in the same drawer for over twelve years. I loved those clippers, but they were nowhere to be found. So, we secured a new pair (not as lovely as the first but able to do the job), put them in the same drawer….guess what? Now THAT pair is gone, too! The wife and I just stared at each other. It’s not like anyone’s been visiting and the dogs can’t reach the drawer. So, I say to the Fingernail clippers muses of the world: “Okay, okay—joke’s over. Very funny. We would like our clippers back.” For those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile, you know I’ve been told (by Moriah the Medium) I have a spirit guide named Grover. (I don’t make this crap up and don’t be telling me I need more anti- psychotic medication. You’ll piss me and Grover off.) So…. “If it’s you Grover, thanks for the laugh, but my nails are looking gnarly, so bring ‘em back.”

To learn more about Grover, copy and paste: http://addiwp.blogspot.com/2006/01/grover-spirit-guide-moriah-medium-if.html

Speaking of spirit guides….sort of….the wife is on a mission to find a church. (The wife’s family is chanting, “Praise Jesus!” in our honor, I’m sure.) Last weekend, it was “Unity;” yesterday, it was “Heartland.” The wife didn’t care much for Unity, as there was too much hugging and not enough anonymity. I didn’t care much for Heartland because it smacked of TV evangelical-lesbos-burn-in-hell” conviction. In Heartland’s defense, the music was awesome, the 5000 people seemed nice, the parking lot traffic was professionally handled, the technology is so good it has to be seen to believe—they’ve turned an old mall into a techno-genius-theatre—and the production is sleek. Too bad they started talking about wanting my money during the first TWO minutes of the show—at least the Catholics wait until the end of Mass to start asking for money.

I’m hoping we can try the Unitarians next outing, as they believe in almost everything and don’t fry the gay people in Hell.

Xena didn’t have to worry about the Pope or Limbo—all she had to worry about Zeus and Hera and the various Gods on Olympus and since her friend Hercules was half man, half mortal, that helped her cause. Having the God of War in love with you never hurts, either. Xena never burned in Hell, but she visited it many a time during the series and Gabby even went on to give birth to the Devil’s child (how can you not love this show??!!), who of course was named “Hope” and went on to kill Xena’s son. My hero also battled many an arc-angel and made many a shamanic journey (quite to my delight—I am SO about the shamans).

I suppose Xena was one of the first disciples to Jesus: she & Gabby hung out with “Eli,” the guy who believed in one God (read: Jesus) and who had the gift of healing….not to mention how Xena’s daughter went on to be the “Messenger of Eli.” (We won’t mention how Xena & Gabby were crucified by the Romans or how many times they both died during the series.) Maybe I can make a case for Xena being Catholic….

….maybe not.

I’ll keep you up-to-date on the “church search.” Suggestions welcomed, as long as I don’t have to dress up and I don’t have to give money to anyone like the “Mrs. Farting Preacher” http://youtube.com/watch?v=DI-7UMzMc5k (Mrs. Farting Preacher) or Farting Preacher Jingle Bells (just in time for the holidays). http://youtube.com/watch?v=pFvPMqxb_rE


All this church talk makes me think of Will Ferrell-Ricky Bobby loving the baby Jesus, http://youtube.com/watch?v=vuAUI_0knfk (shake n bake, 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus!) which makes me think of how I made the wife watch “Blades of Glory” this weekend. Not exactly her kind of movies, but I’ve been waiting to see it for months. If you haven’t seen “Blades,” it’s worth it just for the “North Korean Iron Lotus” scene…..

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Frappaccino Crotch on a Thursday

I have Frappaccino Crotch.

Oh, I suppose it could be worse: I could have Crappaccino crotch rot. Coffee Grounds Butt....

I went to Starbucks this morning. For some reason, I made the detour on the way to work—I heard a Frappaccino calling my name. This doesn’t happen often (that the coffee gods), but this morning, my car made turns on its own and I was suddenly barreling down the road toward the land of caffeine and sugar. When I got there, I had trouble spitting out what I wanted to order. Now, it’s easy to say “a tall Java chip frappaccino, please,” but this morning my non-caffeinated tongue spit out: “medium…soy…no, wait—tall, mocha….um…let me start again.” The guy said, “that’s a medium soy pumpkin latte?”

Not even close.

So, I re-ordered, apologized for my inability to speak and indicated that I would be cured once I drank the thing. He laughed and stated that “most people are like that” when they come to the drive through to order, as none of us have yet to be caffeinated.

He filled that puppy to the brim, whipped cream and chocolate sauce spewing over the top. (Yes, I got whipped cream. It’s that kind of day.) He handed it to me and said, “there’s plenty there for you!”

As I’m driving (as I find it appropriate to multi-task when Frappaccino-ing), I’m getting chocolate and whipped cream all over my hands and steering wheel. Despite this, it’s going well. I’m thinking, “whoa, this is not a good idea with these light-colored dress pants,” but I drove and slurped none-the-less.

I get to work, Frappaccino in hand, go in my office and take the plastic lid off so I can stir the whipped cream into the frozen delight. That’s when it happened….

….chocolate syrup and whipped cream FLEW everywhere. On my paperwork, on my computer, on my pant leg, on my shirt….and, of course, on the crotch area of my pants.

Those of you who know of my “Frappaccino Car Disaster of 2005” are probably disappointed in how boring this story is compared to that, but it is really something to have brown-colored stains in the crotch area of my light-colored pants.

And, as fate would have it, my stain stick is at home. In an effort to save myself from a day-long episode of Frappaccino Crotch, I approached my society work sister (thank god someone else is here in the wee hours) and asked if she had a stain stick. She did—but, when I went to use it, the pen part fell off (yes, into my crotch area) and was no longer usable. She had a Shout wipe, so I went with that. I thought it worked pretty fabulously….

….until the spot dried. Now the chocolate blob was a bigger spot that looked like I had peed in my pants. It was bigger than the size of a silver dollar but smaller than a CD. Gives you a visual, eh?

Well, I’ve decided Frap Crotch it is. Don’t have time to go home. I’m going to a visitation (wake) after work and I doubt anyone will be staring at my crotch while I’m there…as long as no one asks for a drink....